Gaijin.Cerebrio: doctrina ergo eruditio

2009-07-03T21:13:00.002+09:00

Use Google Calendar to Plan More Interesting Weekly Menus
How to use Google Calendar to plan for meals you'd like to cook and eat more.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1862947/use_google_calendar_to_plan_more_interesting.html

On Zeal in Amending our Lives

2009-04-11T16:44:00.002+09:00

Be watchful and diligent in God's service and often think of why you left the world and came here. Was it not that you might live for God and become a spiritual man?

When a man reaches a point where he seeks no solace from any creature, then he begins to relish God perfectly. Then also he will be content no matter what may happen to him. He will neither rejoice over great things nor grieve over small ones, but will place himself entirely and confidently in the hands of God.

It is an excellent reminder to remember why I decided to follow Jesus. I can recall the situation, I can recall the sights and smell and retrace the actual route I took physically as I came to that realization. But it is a good exercise to remind myself what it was I had hoped to leave behind in deciding to throw my lot in with Jesus. I chased the pleasures of the world, chased the approval of man and found nothing and then I felt someone telling me that nothing would suffice except a relationship with God.

Where am I now? why does my bosses approval of my work matter so much? Or my approval of her? Or that of my colleagues? I have found some brick walls when trying to bring faith into the scope of work involving departments, processes and institution - even in a Christian school. I am the Queen of my classroom so that is some consolation. I have found that some approval and affirmation from work, translates itself to money. And it is a useful tool (a very personal, tangible result) to temper one's perception of the work one does (if I keep doing this 'right' thing, I will continue to have such 'results') - but I have found that to be utterly illusionary. Then it can become a burden as well (I received good results, I did something well - so why am I having such difficulty now when I was apparently good at what I was doing?)

But this devotion serves as a reminder that the good result, doesn't come from my work - it comes from God's hand in it. And while man rewards us on earth, God's hand is moving in that too. So, I seriously need to work on pleasing my audience of one and not everyone.

And that's the end of The Imitation of Christ. It's back to the Good Book on monday!

On Judgement and the Punishment of Sin

2009-04-09T07:52:00.001+09:00

On that day, the poor cottage will be more praised than the gilded palace; simple obedience will be exalted above all worldly cleverness; a good clean conscience will gladden the heart of man far more than the philosophy of the learned; and contempt for riches will be of more weight than every treasure on earth.

And you, miserable and wretched sinner, who fear even the countenance of an angry man, what answer will you make to the God who knows all your sins?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How true, I fear the angry man against me and the disappointment of others of me - if only I was more aware of how my deeds might do the same to God.

Thoughts on Death.

2009-04-07T11:21:00.002+09:00

Be always ready therefore and so live that death will never take you unprepared... perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship for the love of Christ, these will give a man a great expectation of a happy death.

Do not put off care for your soul till later, for men will forget you more quickly than you think. Try to live now in such a manner that at the moment of death, you may be glad rather than fearful. Learn to due to the world now that then you may begin to live with Christ. Gather for yourself the riches of immortality while you have time. Think of nothing but your salvation. Keep yourself a stranger here on earth, a pilgrim whom its affairs do not concern at all.

At 21, I was ready to die. Now that I am closing 30, why is it harder for me to let it go? I remember then that I had accomplished all that I wanted to and as a landmark, I wanted to dye my hair red and jump off a plane for my 21st. Then, I had nothing left to lose. I loved and lived like I had loved, it would have been a happy death.

Now, it seems to get there I need to work a lot harder at other things - "perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship"- is that the answer to living a purpose-filled life?

This is a very important question for me now. I realize some might mistake it for turning the big 30. But that number is completely arbitary to me. I don't feel my life has come to such a different place because of that number. In fact, its because my life hasn't come to such a place that I am wondering if I am ready to move on to my next life stage which seems to require more patience, more endurance, putting aside youthful pleasures and irreverence for authority. It's true - I hate to see myself turning into a 'proper' grown-up but I can't be foresee how I am going to manage to stay myself, keep my dreams and hopes and move on at the same time. Somethings got to give.

This morning on the drive to work, I wondered - what is stopping me. Is it because I'm afraid of what's to come? Maybe a little - but difficulty and pain have never been such hindering factors as to challenge me to step it up.

I saw the trip to UK as the fulcrum. Some people don't want to give up careers, give up spending power. I came here for a reason and that is starting to wane. Meanwhile, I'm not sure I'm ready to put my dream down - the dream to travel, to live in other cultures. As it is, its so dark I can't see the route that we would take to living cross-culturally in another place. I know. It's possible, I just don't know how. Yet.

Thoughts on the Misery of Man

2009-04-06T08:10:00.001+09:00

Is there anyone who has everything as he wishes? No one in the world, be it pope or king, who does not suffer trial and anguish. Surely then it is better for the man who suffers something for God.

The saints of God and all devout friends of Christ did not look to what pleases the body nor to the the things that are popular from time to time. Their whole hope and aim centered on the everlasting good. Their whole desire pointed upward to the lasting and invisible realm, lest hte love of what is visible drag them down to lower things.

How great is the fraility of human nature... today you confess your sins and tomorrow you again commit the sins which you confessed. Humble ourselves therefore and never think anything great of ourselves. Through neglect we may quickly lose that which by Gods grace we have acquired only through long, hard labour.

Restlessness and Voids

2009-04-04T19:22:00.004+09:00

The truth is, I know what I should do, but I don't really know what I should do with myself. For awhile now, its been feeling kind of stagnant. It's like now that I'm here, what's next? Like I've run out of options or reasons to be where I am. It's a kinda limbo. Kinda, but not in the same coming-of-age way.

I realize today, that I've also come to live for a couple of things and come to lack in a few others. Ever since I feel this kind of, "what else do I do now" sensation, there is lack of impetus, incentive to turn to God. I live by an exhilarating faith. I believe you have to ask for the impossible and then expect the miraculous. But here - like I've mention so, so long ago when I came back for summer holidays in college - everything can be got from man or money. So what am I really depending on God for? I now know why it is blessed for the poor.

What I mean, is that I want to live in the moment of the impossible and without it, life just seems so colorless... I don't mean to sound like he's some kinda Santa - but what am I asking God for? I'm not stretching my faith for what it is worth.

I also am coming to understand a new dynamics of friends and family. Namely, when your friends start having families. It used to be my whinge, 'when singles start dating', 'when your friends get married', then life changed and left you wherever it is you were while everyone moved along. I had to agree with this since, it was where I had hoped to go and so felt left behind then.

But when friends start having families, I don't necessarily feel like I want to have one too. Bless their hearts, they do want us along for the ride and join in but I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to want or if I want it in the first place. I don't like to feel swayed to a decision. If I want one, its because I want one for good reason, not because everyone else has one. So, as things go along, I begin to wonder how they move along and the necessity for them to create a space for the beginning of the family.

This is all to say, I don't really know where I am right now, or if I have a darn good reason for being here. I was in such a foul mood today when I realized the things I had been looking forward to were removed from the equation.

I started the term ready to throw in my all because we were culminating in a working trip to the UK. Dream destination. Then, by the second or third day, so easily, it was off the radar. Then it turned out that I had a few of my coveted weeknights and weekends (this one particularly) taken up by work and because of that, rain-checked a weekend trip away. And later to find that the rain-check was not even possible so that was a no-go. It is good to have something to look forward to, but having set somethings in place and then having them taken away had made me realize that aside from that, I am quite pointlessly living day-to-day.

I also, without doubt or question, will admit that I have been quite obsessed with GTD and IT recently. Initially I thought it was because I had a lot to do and required my processes streamlined. But I realized that I have plateaued, I get as much as I can done and the rest of it is a waste of processes I don't need. I have been filling the void with it.

So what then do I do with my restlessness and how will I fill my void? So, what do I do with myself? I realize I need a bigger cause to spend my life and energy - aside from friends or work. I think I have one - its been the one I have imagined all this while, but sometimes it does feel like I'm not getting anywhere closer to my goal.

On The Sorrow of Heart

2009-04-04T10:45:00.001+09:00

A good man always finds enough over which to mourn and weep; whether he think of himself or of his neighbour... the closer he examines himself, the more he grieves.

-Written on the fly-

On The Love of Solitude and Silence

2009-04-03T11:05:00.001+09:00

Very many great saints avoided the company of men wherever possible and chose to serve God in retirement. "As often as I have been among men, I have returned less a man" said one writer.It is easier to be silent altogether than not to speak too much. To stay at home is easier than to be sufficiently on guard while away.

Never promise yourself security in this life, even though you seem to be a good religious, or a devout hermit. It happens very often that those whom men esteem highly are more seriously endangered by their own excessive confidence. Hence it is better not to be too free from temptation, but often to be tried lest they become too secure, too filled with pride, or even too eager to fall back upon external comforts.

- - - - - - -
I agree entirely that, "To stay at home is easier than to be sufficiently on guard while away." However, I disagree that that should be the practice. It is too easy to do that - especially for an introvert - and I wouldn't be growing, stretching or putting my faith in God to carry me through those instances. But, solitude and reflection is definitely good practice. Something even an introvert like myself needs to do more of. Even then, with all the communication devices of the world, I find myself in the 'company' of men and distracted endlessly from 'holy meditation'.

On the Practices of a Good Religious

2009-04-02T11:58:00.001+09:00

During Holy seasons, we ought to prepare ourselves carefully to live holier lives and to observe each rule more strictly as though we were soon tp receive from God the rewards of our labour.

Y'know, its sad and true that my devotion and prayer has waned from last semester. Perhaps because we have come to learn tp cope with A's work situation which, by God has become better. And, secondly, I have been consumed with trying to GTD with all the fluxes at work.

This is a good and timely reminder now that Easter and Good Friday are around the corner.

Thoughts from my mobile.

On The Example set to us by the Holy Fathers

2009-04-01T08:05:00.002+09:00

They renounced all riches, dignities, honors, friends and associates. They desired nothing of the world. They scarcely allowed themselves the necessities of life, and the service of the body, even when necessary, was irksome to them. They were poor in earthly things but rich in grace and virtue. Outwardly destitute, inwardly they were full of grace and divine consolation. Strangers to the world, they were close and intimate friends of God. ...

They were given as an example for all religious, and their power to stimulate us to perfection ought to be greater than that of the lukewarm to tempt us to laxity.

On Monastic Life

2009-03-31T08:09:00.001+09:00

He who does not try to become the least, the servant of all, cannot remain in peace for long. You have come to serve not to rule... called to suffer and to work, not to idle and gossip away your time. Here men are tried as gold in a furnace. No man can remain unless he desires with all his heart to humble himself before God.

This used to ring true for the monasteries (I believe it still does) but what my take away now is that we are also called to live out the new monasticism.

On Bearing with the Faults of Others

2009-03-30T08:02:00.001+09:00

We want them to be perfect, yet we do no correct our own faults.
We wish them to be serverely corrected, yet we will not correct ourselves.
Their great liberty displeases us, yet we would not be denied what we ask.
We would have them bound by laws, yet we will allows to be restrained by in nothing.
It is clear how seldom we think of others as we do of ourselves.

If we were perfect, what should we have to suffer from others for God's sake? But God has so ordained that we may learn to bear with one another's burdens.

Consier it better perhaps to try your patience and to test you, for without such patience and trial, your merits are of little account.

Definitely applicable after last weeks fiascos. It brings new meaning to 'bear another's burdens'.

On Works Done in Charity

2009-03-27T08:02:00.001+09:00

... Man's own inclination, his own will, his hope of reward and his self-interest are motives seldom absent. He who has true and has perfect charity seeks self in nothing, but searches all things for the glory of God. He envies no man, because he desires no personal pleasure nor does he wish to rejoice in himself; rather he desires the greater glory of God above all things. He ascribes to man nothing that is good but attributes in wholly to God...

On Avoiding Rash Judgement

2009-03-26T07:56:00.002+09:00

... in judging others, a man labours vainly, often makes mistakes and sins easily; whereas in judging and taking stock of himself, he does something that is always profitable.

So true and so necessary for me to read at this time. I came away from my term break refreshed and excited to start the next term but in 3 days walk away with bitterness, anger and disappointment. I still have difficulty coming to terms with man of the decisions made at work but its true, I was putting my hope in a pet project that I had long set my dreams to accomplish. I also thought I had been doing a thorough job at work generally - I had gotten excellent feedback and affirmation for what I had been doing so when issues about the results surfaced I felt incredibly indignant. I still can't justify both, I still think management has issues to resolve but I know I can't go on wretched like this.

On The Value of Adversity

2009-03-24T07:51:00.001+09:00

When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to see God who sees our heart. Therefore, a man ought to root himself so firmly in God that he will not need the consolations of men.

How did Apostle Peter heal the lame man?

2009-03-16T15:10:00.004+09:00

I'm on term break this week so I'm taking a short break from Thomas a Kempis. Instead, I'll take the next four days to read and ponder Manga Metamorphosis: The Acts of the Apostles.

Already I've had something to think about when reading about the healing miracles that Peter the Apostle did, especially of the lame man that Peter and John healed outside the temple gate called "Beautiful".

I've read that passage a few times, but the beauty of manga really shows the visual storyline (like a movie) which for me, helps me to put the story together. When I'm reading, it is always a movie in my head.

When churches nowadays have healing services, I feel uncomfortable that it becomes a spectacle for others to watch, even (especially so) when they call for believers to bring non-believers or those that need healing.

What struck me was from one lame man, Peter asked, "How has this man been healed?" and then drew the connection to the power of Jesus of whom the world has persecuted. Then he tells them that there were prophets who told them Jesus was coming but they didn't believe.

I've been to a few healing services when I was attending Andy's previous church. But, it is not distinct in my memory that that is the message preached - that the world continues to persecute the name and person of Jesus, that we are told and reminded that Jesus will return, but yet the world continues the same way as the people of Israel then; why don't they believe if they have been told? That they should admit they were wrong, that they misunderstand and that they should repent, receive him as Messiah who will cleanse us?

Instead, healings in our urban mega congregations tend to bring on the message that receive Jesus and he will likewise work the same power of healing in you. Jesus, nor the Apostles never said anything of that nature.

On Acquiring Peace and Zeal for Perfection

2009-03-13T11:29:00.002+09:00

If we were to uproot only one vice each year, we should soon become perfect. The contrary, however is often the case - we feel that we were better and purer in the first fervor of our conversion than we are after many years in the practice of our faith. Our fervor and progress ought to increase day by day; yet it is now considered noteworthy if a man can retain even a part of his first fervor.

- - - - - - - -

I was wondering if I had any more or any less of this fervor Thomas a Kempis refers to. I want to say no and yes at the same time. I'm thinking from when I decided that Jesus Christ was it for me and no, it doesn't feel like a huge flaming passion anymore; yes, it feels deeper and stronger. Then again, I accepted Christ when I was six, dawdled and wandered till I was 21. So, it would be almost 9 years now. What about the next 9?

Sometimes I do wonder if my thoughts, passions are straying, being distracted, more so in Singapore than when I had less to my name in Japan. I wonder, when God calls us, when it is time, will we be ready? Are we getting more ready or less and less so as the years go by?

What about you? How does your faith now compare to when you first jumped in the deep end?

There's so much low-hanging fruit

2009-03-12T10:45:00.008+09:00

Over the last couple of months, I've been saying that there was some energy bubbling around inside to 'create' something - I don't mean the creation of another lifebeing here. But the desire to actually make something*. Hopefully something I enjoy, something that I could 'put out' as another source of income so I can stick it to the man and not be forever dependent on the system.

I thought about handicraft but I'm aware my aesthetic and fine motor skills are lacking. It crossed my mind to be author I wanted to be but then the stories I wanted to tell then, arn't the stories I feel for anymore. I thought about cooking and I really enjoying making stuff in the kitchen but I've seen my mom start up shop and it requires way too much of my time to devote away from the work I have to do now. Moving further away from the concept of creation, I thought maybe I should separate the two ideas of money-making with creation... I don't have much creative perseverance lying around.

I don't want to earn money because I want more money - I want to make money so I don't have to spend all my time working so that I can devote that time to more valuable things and relationships.

So here are some mental notes I'm piecing together.
1. Andy lost his job, money has been tight, prices went up. We try to make sure our utility use has been as efficient as possible. A also had some stocks from his previous company. Many a times, the dividends had help tide us through.
2. I was reading an article about 'How to make money as a writer'. The most interesting takeaway was to keep your day job, find time to write like you would any other hobby. Not because one sucked being a writer but because if you can manage, the job provides the benefits your job as a freelancer can never. Like medical. A has a bad tooth but we can't take him to the dentist because he doesn't have dental cover and we're tight enough to have to wait till more comes in.
3. I've been following the articles in the 'Money' section of the Straits Times Saturday papers and the one constant I realize is to invest in yourself by starting and owning your own company.
4. I thought about starting some kind of company, but then I don't know what I would the company would do, and if we did decide what our selling point was, I don't know the intricacies of business. I am even leading 4 teams of students as part of my Research & Dev project to start up a sustainable magazine/website business. So, I was still lost.
5. Yesterday, standing around the printer in the office, I was reading another article on 'How to retire early'. All the usual stuff... except my takeaway this time was 'if you can't start your own company or don't know how to, buy into someone else's company' and if you don't know how to do that, do something about the Index-linked ETFs. I made a mental note to find out what they were.
6. Lastly, on the way to town after work, I read another good article about carbon-footprinting and alternative, renewable, clean energy sources. And the sentence that jumped out on me was
"I don't know anyone who has failed to make money at energy efficiency. There's so much low-hanging fruit, it's falling off the trees and mushing up around our ankles.' I remembered another article I read about how when the Bush administration began, the Nordic countries took to investing into renewable energy. Al Gore lost out because he pushed for that. Bush won and pushed for real estate. More houses were built further and further away, the need for transport went up, they sent troops to the middle east to protect their oil investments that they keep paying the middle east for and now everything is falling apart for them. (This is a extremely simplistic summary from my perspective). Meanwhile, Norway is making profits from their energy investments. I really believe energy efficiency and renewability is the way to go.

So, start a company, go into energy - but I don't even have the money for that. But now I have some ideas and am thinking more in that direction.

*Babies don't count since I'm not really the one responsible for the 'making' - God is.

On Obedience and Subjection

2009-03-11T10:02:00.001+09:00

It is a very great thing to obey, to live under a superior and not to be one's own master, for it is much safer to be subject than it is to command. Many live in obedience more from necessity than from love. Such (that do) become discontented and dejected on the slightest pretext; they will never gain peace of mind unless they subject themselves wholeheartedly for the love of God.

On Shunning Over-Familiarity

2009-03-10T08:17:00.001+09:00

Sometimes it happens that a person enjoys a good reputation amongst those that do not know him... Frequently we think we are pleasing others by our presence and we begin rather to displease them by the faults they find in us.

Do not open your heart to every man, but discuss your affairs with one who is wise and fears God.

On Avoiding False Hope

2009-03-09T07:46:00.002+09:00

Do not think of yourself better than others, lest, perhaps, you be accounted worse before God who knows what is in the hearts of men... For God's judgement differs from those of men and what often pleases men, displeases Him. It does no harm to esteem yourself less than anyone else but it is very harmful to think of yourself better than even one.

On Unbridled Affections

2009-03-05T08:00:00.002+09:00

When a man desires a thing too much, he becomes ill at ease... is quickly tempted and overcome by small, trifle evils. He is sad to forego them; quick to anger if reproved. Yet if he satisfies his desires, remorse of conscience overwhelms him because he followed his passions and they did not lead him to the peace he sought.

True peace of heart then is found in resisting passions, not in satisfying them.

In Reading The Holy Scripture

2009-03-04T08:06:00.002+09:00

... We ought to read simple and devout books as willingly as learned and profound ones... not to be swayed by the authority of the writer whether to be a great literary light or an insignificant person but by the love of truth... God speaks to us in many ways without regard for person.

On Prudence in Action

2009-03-03T07:56:00.002+09:00

Consider all things carefully and patiently in light of God's will... Perfect men do not readily believe every talebearer, because they know that human fraility is prone to evil and likely to appear in speech.

On the doctrine of truth

2009-03-02T07:53:00.000+09:00

What good is much discussion of involved and obscure matters when our ignorance of such matters will not be held against us on the day of Judgment?

On the day of judgment, surely we will not be asked what we have read but what we have done; not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived.

On having a humble opinion of self

2009-02-27T07:59:00.000+09:00

There are many things the knowledge of which does little or no good to the soul, and he who concerns himself about things other than those leading to salvation is very unwise.

To think of oneself as nothing and always to think well and highly of others is the best and most perfect wisdom.

On dispising all vanities on earth

2009-02-26T07:58:00.000+09:00

It is not learning that makes a man holy and just but a virtuous life that makes him pleasing to God.

On The Imitation of Christ

2009-02-26T07:49:00.000+09:00

Im taking a short hiatus on an very long and thorough bible study so that it all has time to settle into the nooks of my mind before I go back to it refreshed. (And once the results come out...)

I'm reading Thomas a Kempis' The Imitation of Christ in the meantime and in bite-sized chunks each day. I feel that's the best way for me not to be overwhelmed by him.

It's a bit different from reading the bible everyday and taking away a verse and I'd like to track my thoughts on the man, so I'm going to use this an a medium to follow my own thoughts while reading.

Creative Kitchen Experiements

2009-01-24T11:24:00.003+09:00

I've still been sitting on the 'creative energy' idea for a little while and I still would like to do something on the side so, a little bit more on what I've been doing with the creative experimentation idea.

Over the last 1 month, I've gotten myself a few appliances necessary to my creative experiments in the kitchen. I've got at least... 3 or 4 new things I'm trying.

I've tried baking bread... my first 2 attempts out of a box were less its claims which spurred me to make my own good breads instead... linseed, olive, meal.... (Thanks to the mixer which comes with a bread kneader)

I've tried biscuits with fairly acceptable end-products so I'm trying cakes now. Today, its Andy's birthday cake to be exact. (Inspiration kudos to Japan.)

I'm also curing my own lemons. I got this idea from a Food Safari programme and I thought it really looked beautiful on the bar. That and also, I love... (Just some lemons and an beautiful airtight jar from Ikea)

I used to love Oporto's Portugese Chicken when I was staying in my loft in Sydney - it wasn't so much the chicken, as it was the chilli. The lemonny garlic chillis were pure seduction. To do that, I got myself a blender from a voucher I had lying around.

I also got 2 wine jars.... to infuse my own blend. :-) (Kudos also to good friends who saw it necessary to teach me this very traditional Japanese culture when I first arrived.) If all goes well, expect some for Christmas!

How bake bread

2009-01-17T20:02:00.002+09:00

This is not a 'How-To' Entry. I just lost count of where I was in the numbered days of Things I Learnt Project. What I did learn today, was how to bake bread.

When I got my mixer, mom passed me one of those 'Add-water-and-pop-in-oven' mixes for bread. Today is the second time I tried it. The first time, Andy and I made breadsticks and I followed the direction to the T. It came out like twigs... Mom said its because those thin sticks don't need the 25 minutes that the recipe on the box called for since they were so small. So today, I decided to make a whole loaf for dinner.

But for the second time, it has come out pretty dense. So, I'm not trusting those Bread-In-A-Box recipes. I went to learn 'how to make bread' the ol'fashion way. I can't wait to try it out in a few weeks time!

# ??: The discipline of creative experimentation

2008-12-31T17:53:00.004+09:00

Its awhile since I noted what I learnt because I've been away but I've tried to be intentional in my learning process this season of rest and vacation.

One of the things that has been on my mind at the start of the season - which knows no real date or time - is what am I to do with this 'energy' that I have. It's not an energy that needs release in finding a sport or the busyness of doing something. It's kinda like a latent energy that wants a release in making and creating something.

I asked Him a couple of times what I was to do with it and earlier on, it found its way in culinary experiments that translated to hospitality ministry in our new home. I managed to find a tie between, inviting people over, an opportunity to make something and learning something about cultures by referring to the Operation World book and cooking the cuisine of the country of mention.

I've also been listening to Patrick Dodson kudos to M.N.M.C. even before Land of the Rising Son Homecoming 2008. Its timely that his most recent podcast was a lecture he gave to the NZ YWAM School of Digital Media on 'Developing Your Creativity'. So that's what I learnt today

My takeaway is to speak life into others' energy and let that be a medium for life to be given into my own energy. I also like what he said that to be intentional in feeding and inspiring your imagination. And then, you have to start doing something - just for doing something, to at least get a momentum going because it won't happen if it remains latent.

Resolution: Be in the discipline of creative experimentation.

#13: If you draw all the threads together, the economic crisis is really the fault of...

2008-12-10T22:23:00.004+09:00

Today I learnt from Tony Campolo that a lot of the responsibility of the current economic crisis lies on the shoulders of the US government. For one, they are the only ones with the real authority to tell Wall Street what to do. Secondly, the country and hence the global economy which is somehow benchmarked against theirs is in such deficit because of the high cost of their ongoing military campaign. This, we have heard little about. Thirdly, the deficit keeps running because they keep buying energy from the Middle East borrowing almost 2 billion and counting from China.

Could all this have been prevented? Totally - Al Gore had already suggested US focus on energy industries instead of the real estate so that they would be energy-independent. The public chose Bush instead and the industry he backed up. Remember what they keep telling us about the economic crisis and how its really all the banks fault with the sub-prime loans? Well, who chose against energy-generating industry for real estate? And where do the sub-prime loans come from? If they were energy-independent, they wouldn't be in such deficit and borrowing and the world probably wouldn't be in such a bad state. And of course, where the WMD? The military is spending US$250,000 a minute so why are they still there when they should be helping Afghanistan rebuild itself?

Thanks for nothing.

#12: Social Entrepreneurship lecture by Patrick Dodson.

2008-12-09T17:50:00.003+09:00

Social Entrepreneur: Society's change agent; pioneer of innovations that benefit society. These are some avenues of social entrepreneurship and they are not exhaustive; poverty, justice, fair trade, environment, health, community and education

The Handbook on Faith, Hope and Love by Saint Augustine took a lot longer to get through than expected - the concepts aren't really hard to get my head around, but the language of the time was pretty convoluted. So, I thought I'd spend today reading up on the next book, God's Gravity: The Upside-down Life of Selfless Faith by Craig Borlase, which is contemporary. But it was so much harder than I thought it would be to start. Why?

Because it begs the question I've been pondering since I came back so long ago - what value am I adding to God's Kingdom doing what I do where I do now? Because, its a lot less easy to see it than when I was in Japan. (Thank God I'm due back for a visit in 4 days.)

I want to be an Ordinary Radical, I don't need more models and inspirations to know that my feet are itching to go somewhere and my hands want to do something that requires bold and selfless faith. The excuse is that I'm tied down by the work that I do that requires my time 12-15 hours a day and me to be here for the next 1.5-2 years. So, reading books like that really frustrates me.

Meanwhile, there is a creative energy in me that has been stewing. Literally. I realized that I can cook well enough to invite folks over to learn together what it means to follow Christ over a simple meal and with a home, I have a safe space for people to come together to meet, talk and do some simple social action like a clothes-swap. And, over the course of the last few months and weeks, I have come to realize the power of the written word - when I write about an issue or cause. I recycle paper even when I'm not supposed to (the copier and printer in the office has a sign that says, 'Do Not Use Recycled Paper' but who cares?), we take shopping bags and turn down plastic carriers, I try not to buy first-hand when possible and try to find a happy home for things I don't need, my power supply is on a timer to save electricity (less about global warming than about stretching our dollar). But all this 'green'-ness and what little I have done is not enough. I'm not doing enough of what I can do. Do I not feel enough for a cause? Any cause?!

I thought maybe I could go back to pursuing the cliched Literature BA graduates' dream of writing. I remember I wanted to write about my unique position as a diaspora (then), preanakan Singaporean seeking an identify for herself. It's really not so unique afterall now that I am back here. It's not the thing I could write about while I'm in this context. Maybe one day I'll get to write for YWAM International Adventures of my adventures in missions instead, but for now I have nothing to add value to.

I suppose I have a gift in the skills of Education, some reading and writing. But, my passion runs dry outside of work because it takes all of me when I'm there. So, once again, I don't have a learning point for today - just more questions to be answered.

#11 Reflective Practices

2008-12-08T19:39:00.003+09:00

This actually sounds alot like one of the core modules they made me do in Teachers' College. I balked at the thought that I had to be thought how to 'reflect' because I thought the last 4 years on this blog would certainly undermine that assumption. There were actually four different models they discussed. I don't remember them very clearly.

I was updating my 30-days of learning and I realize I had nothing to really put my finger down on over the last 3-4 days. I know I've read a lot of about a variety of things and talked a lot with lots of people about stuff but I think this speaks of how unreflective I can be about what information gets input into my head. I know lots go in but unless I'm being absolutely conscious, I think a lot of learning doesn't stay in.

I think this is learning point for myself as a learner and as a teacher.

#7: Customer-centred Service

2008-12-04T17:24:00.002+09:00

I've been doing some trading online - mostly finding happy homes for some of the things I don't have use for anymore. I try to practice the same service to my buyers that I would expect as one. But I realize in a small way today, sometimes merchants are really in a hard place. I bend backward to please one and in doing so, enrage another. The wake of a trail of an angry customer can be destructive.

And that is why, I shall continue my letter-writing as a customer myself and ask ask ask!

#6: Meet The People Session

2008-12-04T17:18:00.002+09:00

I've been emboldened by the positive responses I've had to my recent letter-writing escapades. Ask and you will receive (within reasonable limits of course)! Dad has always been an avid letter-writer and now that I see why, I am going to use letter-writing for social activism.

What I did learn yesterday though, is in MTP-sessions, you just have to go up and ask! Now I geddit!

#5: Apple cobbler

2008-12-02T18:54:00.007+09:00

Today I had a few girls over to do some christmas bakin'! Chrissy is just an excuse - other than cookies, I haven't done real dessert baking. I also love apple pie, apple crumble but not apples. So, today, I learnt how to make apple cobbler. Somewhere in between.

I learnt what makes the sticky stuff in apple pie and how to make it. There's nothing spesh about my apple cobbler, its not going to hit the shelves and then fly right off, but its country-styled, simple to make and most importantly, home-made!

#4: Red-letter Christians: believers who transcend party politics and the Evangelicalism that has been exploited to simple be active-followers of Jesus, from the red letter words in the bible i.e., spoken by Jesus.

#3: "A man of noble birth went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return. So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas.'Put this money to work,' he said, 'until I come back.'. 3 things: Jesus has gone away to become King, 2nd: There will be a time delay before he comes back and the 1st: In the meantime, we are given resources to put to work.

#2: I know what Barrack stands for.

2008-11-29T18:02:00.002+09:00

Today I watched the Saddleback Civil Forum on the Presidency. Church and state shouldn't mix but my faith does determine my worldview which in turn affects how I view politics - in that large collective sense of policies in place. One of my 2009 resolutions is to be the change I want to see and that quite likely includes the political landscape around me. I can't change the party but I can at least try to persuade those who represent me.

How does the new US President affect me? He will set the tone for US and the world. Hopefully, this will not just be economic but at intrinsic zeitgeist for the world we live in. Our world is broken and in deep need to learn to be good stewards of the resources we have.

#1: Of Cooking.

2008-11-28T19:20:00.005+09:00

In an attempt to audit my learning, I'm attempting to notate something that I learn each day for the next 30 days... or at least throughout Middlemas.

#1: Today I went on a wiki-quest to find out more about Hungarian cuisine. We are having mates over for dinner and I'm cooking goulash. I figured out that cooking various cuisines was another awesome way to learn about cultures which I totally love! Gulyas means stock or herdmen which led me to the dutch ovens they used on open fires. The prospect of fire to stove to oven is so appealing.

Sharing to be thankful

2008-11-04T17:58:00.004+09:00

Most of us have been wary of the current economic downturn of late. I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I want to boldly proclaim that it hasn't in fact affected Andy and myself so painfully.

Many have lost the value of their assets and some are afraid of losing jobs. Then, there is also the rise in prices of everything. Amidst all this, the US dollar and the Yen go up. Why the US dollar should go up baffles me. Sure you can tell me all the financial economic reasons but to the layman, why should the US dollar more valuable that my dollar since it is the US that got us spiraling downwards and it is our dollar that help raise their value?

Where does this put Andy and me? Our financial situation has from the start been always tentative. And, if our lifestyles don't proclaim it, then thanks be to God.

Our Work
Andy's job(s) situation has been iffy even before we got married, recession or no recession. At engagement, he had been working miserably in a big sports mnc for a year then went to mission school, after which, he tried his hand at something in Hong Kong but wasn't successful and so was looking for work back here. Since then, he has changed another 2 jobs. Thankfully, mine has been a stablizing factor for us. Right before the spiral, A was offered a contract job that paid more than his previous - even if it was only to be for 2 months. Still he would tide us through.

After that, he got offered a part-time position at an higher-educational institution. Its not much work although renumeration is very reasonable, but its a job in a time when people are losing theirs. It really interests him and utilizes all his experience and its an opportunity for him to learn new skills on-the-job that will hopefully be useful on the mission field. I have to serve 3 years as bond for my post-graduate education scholarship. I'm not saying I got a raw deal - I knew what I was getting into and I have absolute job security during this period, something I began to treasure after I saw how bad jobless can be in a creative-access-country with bad government. Andy is just getting a better deal for himself. So you can't really say we got it bad this way.

Our Apartment
I'm proud to say that despite the turbulent working/financial situation we've had even before the recession, our apartment which we bought in the height of the property market rise, will be paid off at the end of the year. It was amazing to get a place like ours for its price and negotiations were fairly straightforward. After working for 8 or more so years, A had accumulated enough to pay in-full the over-valuation and a good part of the mortgage. Since I had no savings from work, we pay the rest of it out of my CPF (thanks to the kind contributors of my iron ricebowl) and don't worry at all for it. So, with or without A's job, we sleep tight knowing we didn't take a loan that would have us pay from our pockets for the rest of our lifetime. There indeed is a lesson. And a huge blessing. Even the awesome furniture we have in our Bali-nese themed house was a blessing from others. Every single chair in the apartment is a gift, my bookshelves were gifts and those that we paid for were massively discounted.

Missions
Missions is our vision but we really struggle with finding the extra cash to contribute more. So far in Singapore, most people are warmed to the idea of bringing money to the nations but not necessarily in supporting people financially to go. I think most folks believe that if you can't afford it, then its a luxury you just can't have. Those who have the money either can't afford the time or are not ready to get dirty. And unfortunately, we do find certain pride in knowing that we are giving money to the needy and make big of what avenues there are for giving. (Just give already!) A lot of us don't realize that the people who have the time and the enthusiasm for it may not have the financial support for it. This is probably because our lifestyles don't proclaim the need that most folks feel compassion for when they see it.

Miraculously, A has also accumulated enough frequent-flyer miles over the course of his work to fly us both to the states twice over even during the peak period. So, we will finally be making a missions visit to Japan at the end of the year at no cost at all. I'll finally get to get back in touch with the folks on the field there and hopefully bring them some encouragement from here as well as to reignite the flame in us to persevere. Yea so, for those who haven't learnt - this is a missions trip.

Daily Life
I'm also not known for one to scout for bargains - I honestly cannot find in me the energy to trawl the shops for the lowest price of a particular item. I am prepared to pay good money for good stuff and then have the stuff last the longest. I don't have that many clothes really because I don't really appreciate fashion. Clothes serve a purpose for me; to look presentable and cover all my bits. It may or may not be old but as long as it does its job so I don't see the need to change for 'fall season'.

That said, I do love 3 things very much - stories, technology and food. It brings me glee to have all my gadgets work smoothly and efficiently and recently this means wirelessly as well. I also have a sorry vice when it comes to stories. For all my love of technology, I would still never buy a Kindle. I take sad pride in looking at my bookshelf and all the books I own and think that reading them would make me all the more knowledgable. I am reminded of course that 'of making books there is no end'. Second to books are movies and film - stories in image. Whether it is our new theatre system of the sad state of movies on the big screen, our movie-watching has decreased this half of the year.

Flicks
Over the last week, A & I went to the movies to catch one of 'better' films of the season, Burn After Reading. Thanks to movie club and credit club membership, I got a coupon for one free ticket and another for $6.50. So, our tickets came up to $3.25 each. There are not a lot more movies that caught our attention but A has always had an affinity for cartoons. Thanks to good alumnus, next weekend, we will go watch Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa at $3 a pop PLUS a pre-event brekkie! Awesome when I think about how God can make money go further than we imagine.

books
I've been asking for an iPhone for my birthday & chrissy present - something that we are waiting for my service provider to make available. In the meantime, not one to disappoint, A insisted that I get a present in the meantime. I've been wanting The Message Remix Bible for quite awhile. I'm intrigued to hear the bible in street lingo. So, I went online and go myself one. When it arrived, I realized that it was only the new testament. I wrote back to the store and their reply was apologetic along with a full reimbursement including shipping. So, I got the red, full leather, life-time binding guaranteed Message bible for free!

food
With all the time I finally have over the school holidays, I also managed to make a lunch appointment with my old friend HJ. The club had given me a $20 voucher for eateries in the vicinity and it had crossed my mind I wouldn't use it but I'm glad it came in useful in the end. I had an Italian lamb shank and she had a grill chicken lunch sets. The full bill came up to $36++ but after 20% discount and money off, we each paid $3 for our meals. That's way better than food court rates! I was so impressed that I decided I should recommend there again for our department lunch, so I went back to them and we are getting $10 full meals of bread, soup, dessert and main meal.

Its a long post, but if you've lasted this long, this is just a testimony to how God has provided for A & I throughout this difficult season for most of us. Its not in ways that we might imagine or hope for but he has certainly not lose our quality time and relational time with others at the expense of the fiscal gloom. Amen!

A Time and Place for Everything: This Season

2008-10-30T10:19:00.004+09:00

Well, now that time is on my hands - what else is there to do once I already have my home sorted to be mac wireless?? - I have gone back to doing what I love best. Reading :-)

Awhile ago, I had a long list of books on my list to get through, so I stopped buying books for a season. Then after I'd read through them, I kinda stopped reading for a little while as my life got mumble-jumbled by my (then) new job, engagement, wedding, setting up a new home. I think my life is in a good place right now. Not everything is as we would like it to be and that has led me to many prayers but that is probably the best thing to be doing anyway.

I am more or less settled and comfortable at work - FINALLY! After 1.5 years - but I suspect they are going to rock my boat again and not in a good way. There are people moving out and the work still needs to be done so rumours have it that they will 'stretch me to grow' so that I 'can' take on a larger portfolio no matter that I don't really want to.

The home is also more or less settled. Everything is in its rightful place, including the bookshelf which makes me feel more complete and like myself. I can see the books I want to read instead of having to trawl through boxes in the store for what I'm looking for.

It's also coming to our first wedding anniversary. In a way, its a big step. But when I'm realy honest with myself, its only our first year and there are many more we intend to travail so its not such a big thing. Not say like my folks' 25 years of marriage. We agreed at the start that our first year would be sacred, put aside from most obligations to dedicate to building strong foundations. Now that the time is nearing, we are slowly moving into one or two new ministries to serve in.

I'm so thankful for the DG fellowship group that we are part of. In the past year, we have forged some strong and encouraging friendships and we are looking forward to supporting and playing with each other in the years to come. But before we get too comfortable, we're thinking of expanding our circle of blessing, working with others in the church, networking people to one another in and especially out of church.

So, this is to say that I'm so glad I've finally found a 'place' in my life again to read these books as well as all the flicks I've missed, then bought to watch but haven't. More importantly the resource of time to do so during the school holidays.

My booklist this season in some general order of reading preference:

- The Coffeehouse Gospel by Matthew P. Turner
- To Become One by Chris Seay
- Speaking With the Angel edited by Nick Hornby
- Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin
- God's Gravity by Craig Borlase
- Handbook on Faith, Hope and Love by St. Augustine
- The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis
- A Thousand Splendid Suns by Kahlid Hosseini.
- The RELEVANT Nation: 50 Activitists, Artists & Innovators Who Are Changing Their World Through Faith edited by Heather Zydek
- How Movies Helped Save My Soul by Gareth Higgins

The 20/80 rule

2008-10-13T14:02:00.009+09:00

The last time I looked at my blog, I realized I had it going since 2003. That is long! Before that, I actually had a blog that went back all the way to 1995, right after I graduated from school. No 'blogging' then, they were called online journals and I had to write every single code for it.

- - - - - -

I'm home today because I got married one month short of one year ago. As part of policy, I get 3 days off - most people use it if they get married during the school term, but we decided to do in November so I didn't have to execute it. It's only valid for a year so I thought that since my kids are on their own pretty much to their national exams and most teachers are either busy marking, invigilating and reporting (all of which I had already sweated through in the 3rd quarter of the year), I would take the whole lot in one fell swoop before its invalid.

It really is a world of difference teaching the graduating class - I would definitely do it again. You sweat buckets but you reap well... and early. Not meaning to gloat, but over the last 2 weeks I've been scheduling consultations for those that need help (no more classes), reviewing their work with them (no more marking) and hiding away in my little cubicle while I try to clear the administrative work in advance (no meetings). I also don't have to invigilate or mark or write reports because we had to do our 'share' so early in the year.

Sometimes I feel like, just because I'm more free than the next person, I somehow feel guilty or obliged to be doing more work. Although it feels that way, it is completely irrational because I shouldn't be penalized for having finished my work ahead of time. Still, I somehow feel I ought to be 'helping' those out who are 'too busy' because they are doing one thing or another. I also don't like it that because I seem so much more 'carefree' since I have less things to do now that it follows that I should be given more work to do. B*******t!

It's the 20/80 rule. If I keep doing this, then I will be the 20% who do 80% of the work, I will get an increment and they may groom me for 'Leadership'. NO THANK YOU! I don't want a promotion and I certainly don't want more money. Money is no tradeoff for my time, thank you very much. I do however want to do my job damn well and to do it efficiently but I don't want to be penalized for doing just that.

Today there was a presentation that I was asked been involved in, tomorrow there's a meeting that I was asked to help the newbie in analyzing stats and on wednesday, there's a photoshoot that I was asked help because the rest are "busy with checking of scripts, lots of meetings and remarks". I am not trying to skive on my work and I know its hard and painful to do all that because I've done it too, but I should'nt be penalized for having sweated so hard so early! You can't say no except to not be present.

I have already done what was within my capability up to this stage and a lot of this stuff is really the responsibility of a department head, of which we are missing in headcount. I want to do good work that gets rewarded in the accomplishment (and not getting rewarded for work that looks good), I want my life to be simple and I want to have time to spend on my own pursuits. It seems like these three things are in direct contrast to the working ethos of our society.

And year, I also want an iPhone for my birthday.

Some pensive thoughts.

2008-09-30T14:18:00.003+09:00

I've had a good school year - this semester more so than last and its coming quickly to the end. Two more days and my kids will be on their 'own' to take their graduating exams. I'm glad we're here. I don't know much about next year yet but I think its a good time for me to start contemplating so that I can make some guesstimates about what I want to achieve. Right now, I have another one and a half years before my bond-term ends so its a bit like a time line to work on.

It's also quick coming to our first wedding anniversary. At the start of our marriage, Andy brought up the idea of serving. Actually, we'd long been thinking about the options but somehow those doors were closed for me. So, we agreed that we'd start off with a year of 'sabbatical', focusing first on our marriage and then come one year, we'll start serving in a big way.

So, there's kinda where we are. Subconsciously, I'd been thinking about what else to do with myself here in Singapore. My life is remarkably comfortable - this despite Andy's tentative job situation. I'm asking where I'd be most alive for Christ and Andy's charting new territory with young people at church (and MAYBE at work) though that has yet to be set in concrete how.

I've been active in the church discipleship group for a year and I'm so glad I've found a bunch of like-minded friends. Of course, I challenge and doubt if I should get this comfortable. Still, I'm so glad some are really good friends. I can relate to these folk. I've been frustrated when they're frustrated, happy when they've been happy, sad when they've been sad.

Life was sweet a few years ago. I remember telling someone that if I really really thought hard about it, there was seriously nothing I could think of that I wished to change. Life was cruisy, everything in rose-tinted glasses or something like that. But in that same breath, I remember saying that there was a time and season for everything and in time, there would be another season of contriteness. So, this year, while it took us by surprise, it really shouldn't have been that unexpected for me.

I'd like to think that has come and gone but I'm not really sure... This 'iffy-ness' that Andy and I live with now with his work situation, is what I think most probably God would like us to live with, like a thorn in the flesh that reminds us that we are daily dependent on him. Its bittersweet because I love that I am reminded about how he is in charge of everything and ask everything of him but so sad that it takes this to make me kneel. I've never prayed this much for just one person, but that is Him teaching me what I need to do for our marriage. Would I want either of us to have a high-flying job where life is so comfortable? It's so difficult to say no - or yes. How do I thank Him for this 'problem' that he has blessed me with?

So, next year we will serve, we will make physical steps to work toward missions - I want to make next year count, make some changes, take some strides and accomplish new things. I know 'they' want me to do newer and bigger things next year to 'stretch' me at work but I'm going to shirk away from it. I want to do newer and bigger things next year and be stretched in other dimensions and more intangible areas of my life.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to plan as far as my December vacation will take me. Will it be Japan? Hawaii or San Francisco?

Wireless

2008-09-13T22:06:00.002+09:00

I've always wanted an Apple home. My inspiration for it is my uncle - he's in the design industry and its part of the perks or something like that - whenever I head over to visit my godbro, I'm always wow-ed away by what he's got and how he's set it up. Apple is just sexy.

Now that I have my own pad... guess what I did?

This weekend, the Airport Express I ordered came - oh sweetness. I can now play all my music that sits in my computer over the living room speakers completely wirelessly. We invested in an awesome sound system (something I'm obliged to say since what we paid for it is more than my month's salary), so I want to get as much mileage as I can out of it. That, an my 15GB or so music which hasn't been getting enough play. I'd been hooking up my music to the system through the standard headphone jack-in but dedicating my computer to only music wasn't that appealing. Now, it isn't a problem!

So Good To Remember: THE COMING OF AGE TEXTBOOK

2008-08-29T22:36:00.001+09:00

THE COMING OF AGE TEXTBOOK

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy.

We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino.

It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup.

Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap. That's why our life expectancies are so long.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom...

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it...

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today...

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

* DO NOT WORK

THE most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills.

The Japanese have a term 'karoshi', which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill.

But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. Or people who are employed to do something morally distasteful, or even plain criminal.

Such people justify their actions by telling you they are 'making a living'. No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful...

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself...

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. Wake up and know exactly what you want to do and why you want to do it.

If you don't, you are working.

* BE WARY OF THE TRUTH

MOST of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth.

I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things.

The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth.

Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

* BE HATED

IT'S not as easy as it sounds.

Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many.

That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions.

It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role.

There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself.

Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

* FALL IN LOVE

THE other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say 'be loved'. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false.

Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings.

It is far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way...

Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming...

You will find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

I want to be an ordinary radical.

2008-08-12T15:55:00.004+09:00

How late is this. And how sad it is that I have the time to write this precisely because my body decided it was time to go belly up and insist on rest. So, I've been resting over the long weekend and somemore because I am still not well enough to get back to work.

Clearly though, I have my sense of humour and irony back. Thankfully, its not like a truck ran over me or something.

So much has been happening and so much I've been taking in that its no doubt it was going to happen.

My husband is between jobs, the stress must have taken a toll on my body despite having taken all our thoughts about this captive to Jesus. Then, the kids have their Preliminary exams on friday and I've been marking marking marking that I think I ought to change my middle name from Jadyn to Mark. To compensate for that lack of life, I became a weekend warrior and totalled my body by playing tennis hard on saturday and sunday. All that and the late nights.

And now I have this. Huzzah. The good thing is that it has given me time to read the bible a bit more slowly, pray a bit longer, read a bit more and finish my marking (I told you...)

And so, here are my thoughts so far.

At DG we've been reading the book of Romans. At home, Andy and I, we are trying to go through the life of Solomon. Between all that, I've been wondering, what all the use is of the knowledge we get in our time of 'study'. We talk so much about who Paul is writing for, whether it makes a difference if he's writing to Gentile or Jew (It is my opinion that that is not that important. Either way, I still have to do what Paul says. And really, how are people going know about God from whether Paul writes to Jew or Gentile? They are going to see it through the way I live out my life. So, I shall do both.

Sometimes I come away thinking if I've lost some kinda sight for what the bible is supposed to be saying. Sometimes I come away thinking, 'geez, why couldn't I have seen something that obvious?' or I come away feeling like I've really been put in my spot for saying something stupid and that's why I shouldn't lead in some way. Then I feel awful for not having been humble enough because clearly, I didn't see something that I was supposed to learn.

Other times, I wonder why we (general christian populus) focus so much attention on the finites of the bible that we lose the big picture. I don't mean to say that we shouldn't read the bible and know it well, but what is wrong with The Message version if it challenges and convicts us that our lives need to be changed so that we can reflect Jesus better? What is the point of learning the bible so thoroughly if we cannot be good examples for others?

What is the point of figuring out which society Paul really meant when he said, 'do not be conformed to society', when the focus should be on how God change the way we live our lives?

I've always been challenged to 'live out' this Christian life. We talk about how victorious it is, how god is graceful and merciful, how we are now saved but we so easily glaze over or quite conveniently forget that, "if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory"?

I asked a few people about this 'suffering' and 'persecution' here, and the best we could come up with was a few strange looks from our colleagues, maybe they'd avoid us in future thinking we were one of those crazy christian fanatics. I don't know how I'd do it, but I think we are seriously offending those who are truly persecuted for their faith. I don't see many people in my middle-class upbringing (myself included) suffering for His glory.

So, how should I 'suffer' in living out this Christian life here in Singapore? I'm not asking for pain and I guess, people would say we shouldn't go 'look' for it. But the christian life is precisely that counter-intuitive isn't it? I haven't quite figured this part of my thought out yet. But I know that I by no means suffer at all. We may pay for certain choices we make but we by no means 'suffer' in pain. Case in point: I secretly feel that my husband is precisely in this work situation right now because he chooses to put family time first. I think work is important but I also think we place too much importance in it at the expense of our relationships. Should we conform to how we spend our family time because in Rome we do as the Romans do?

I don't suffer. I live in a beautifully furnished 2-3 bedroom apartment, set in greenery, I have cable, broadband, a mobile phone, two Apple macs, more food than I need in my freezer, a hooge telly, a super-awesome cinema worthy sound system to die for, a big bed, pots that I can't finish using, a spare room that sits all the storage and all this for what? Just the both of us? What have I done with the blessing meant to bless others? I still haven't figured it out.

I'm reading this little book called "The Coffeehouse Gospel: Sharing Your Faith In Everyday Conversation" by Matthew Paul Turner from Relevant Media because I have got to do more than this to make my Savior known. It's a small start. So far, I've thought of cookies for my two Indian neighbours. I have to actually start making them first though.

I've read 'Ordinary Radical' and I hated reading it. Probably myself, because I liked the book so much and wanted to live it out the way I was challenged to but couldn't find the strength/time/conviction to do so. I'm going to read it again once I'm done with this.

I want to do something useful with myself, I want to learn about God and Jesus and his Kingdom as he created it, I want to learn about him through living it out usefully instead of hoarding all this great knowledge of Jesus Christ to ourselves. (Which, by the way, is what all good teachers agree on: experiential learning is the learning that stays the longest. On the job, so to speak.) I want to step out of my comfort zone, I want to be able to make new friends, I want to be able to make new non-christian friends whom I can build relationships with, I want to be challenged to live on the edge that requires only the power of God to get me through.

I still haven't figured out how I'm going to do this.

My Kingdom of Comfort

2008-06-18T23:53:00.005+09:00

Kingdom of Comfort is so good it hurts.

My heart is so broken but I keep getting told to wait, that its not time. I want to do something (soon), but I don't know what God wants, what I can, or how. I end up spending most of my time on things that I know I don't really care about. And thing things that I do (at work) that I care about, I'm have so much off that I'm spread too thin.

So, I'm frustrated about this vicious cycle, frustrated when I remember what I should do that its painful.

That's why I don't want to read about it or talk about it. Everytime I do, I feel like banging my head on a wall.

I have, quite literally, 'built myself a happy home In my palace on my own' this time around, I sometimes forget where I came from. I try to make sense of the things I've seen, what I've done before, between the poverty I know and the five star dream that I live.

But what does that mean for me who goes out to buys furniture or a book shelf or a sound system for the house? I'm quite happy with the home maybe that's the problem. Should we have spent what God's given us this way? I almost feel bad that our palace, our retreat from the world is this good.

Paddling to stay afloat

2008-06-13T15:04:00.003+09:00

First week, I was in Nepal for a school mission/service trip - which was good for some and better for others. I would go again. In very different circumstances.

Second week, we were uptown for church camp which was excellent. We got to meet more new faces and get to know those we knew even better. Plus, Andy and I hadn't seen each other for a week so he was quite lovely.

This week. We move. I move today. Our new apartment after a six month wait. Huzzah!

It's fab. We haven't fully furnished it but the reno is done and we're moving in today!

At least there's something to keep my spirits up. Otherwise I'm not looking forward to returning to school next week to prep for the second semester of the year. And the truth is, I'm also worrying for Andy's work which I can't really divulge any further. Everytime I think about it and worry about it, I try to take it captive and submit it to God but then it keeps coming back...

Next week, we're also going to have a six-month review of our marriage so far with our marriage counsellor and we're meeting up with missions people to see how we can work toward our goal.

... so, we keep paddling water to stay afloat.

Opps, I did it AGAIN!

2008-05-24T13:30:00.004+09:00

Yep. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a smug-married here but you'll understand why I have to say I have an awesome husband. And I don't say this because I'm obliged to as his wife. I say this because ... you see, I am a bad example of a wife.

Look at the date. Doesn't look like much to you right? And that is exactly how it looks to me. But that is not what is looks like to Andy. To him, and rightfully so, it looks like and is our 6th month anniversary. It's significant in a small and big way, the half-way mark and marks how far we've come.

But I didn't register that! Face it, I didn't remember. Forgetting important dates (especially so early in a marriage) is inexcusable even for a Husband let alone a Wife!

Nevermind that. So oblivious was I to all this... and to all as usual - which goes to show just how sickeningly self-absorbed I truly am - that I took his word piecemeal when he told me first thing this morning, "I need to get yoghurt from the grocery store. I'm having withdrawl symptoms."

I occured to me that it was a strange thing to say since I'd been lamenting our dearth of grocery shopping but there were other things to distract me.

At breakfast, the telco-media guy in him gets frustrated at me because I don't understand the triple-band concept between Starhub and Singtel and he just wants me to be happy, i.e. with an iPhone. I'm all, I don't care how and I don't care when, I'd like one but WHATever is easiest to do for goodness sakes!

Later when he insists on going to Colds Storage for ONE tub of yoghurt (!?!?), he takes 40 minutes. I grudgingly accept his apology for using 'that' tone on me at breakfast and I am rolling my eyes as I scrub the toilet clean. What is he, lost in the supermarket like a five-year old boy without his mother? Roaming the aisles for health food products? Does he not know that there is laundry to be done, floors to clean, bathrooms to tidy up, books to pack away?

. . . . . .
He is visiting me in Japan. It's the night we decide we're an item. We've had a scrumptious dinner to celebrate in Kobe City and get cozy in a rickety Ferris Wheel in Kobe Mosiac. It's late, it's cold, the bus-ride is long and just as I am thinking, "why didn't he agree to cycle to the train station? Now we have to go around the suburb JUST to get home!", he says, "I need to go to the grocery store. I need to get cereal/milk/lightbulb."

"But the store is closing in 10 minutes. We can get it for you when we get up tomorrow...."
"I must have it now! You go home first, get showered and ready for bed, and I'll go. Besides you only have one bathroom... (or some other lame excuse...)"
"Er. okay..."

As I step out of the shower, Andy comes home. At the doorway he's mumbling to me, "they didnt have lightbulbs... or the cashier was closed... or no more milk... but I got you this!" And of course, he presents to me the biggest bouquet of flowers he could find at the supermarket at 10pm. It wasn't very big, but his gesture was huge and had me by surprise. I wonder to myself, how slow I was to pick up on this. Very soon, I learn that he's very good at diverting my attention.

. . . . . .

He's home, he's knocking on our door as I'm at my desk wondering which part of Wonderland I should attempt to find him. And of course, its the flowers I see first as he steps through the door.

HAPPY 6TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

Tell me, where should I put my face?

The Bible Experience!

2008-05-21T16:49:00.004+09:00

I got it!

When?

2008-05-20T12:08:00.003+09:00

A lot happened over the long weekend. I wasn't able to shake-off the persistent cough I had on thursday and friday and the only reason why I can afford the time to write this, is because I'm on medical leave today and tomorrow. Arrigato.

I can't wait for when our apartment will be our haven. But till then, we are getting a little bit worried about the financing of it. We're getting a little tight because all the bills want to come in on the same time and I'm afraid we'll run into deficit for the next few months.

Of course, I know that this really should be an area of faith - we trust that the Lord will provide. It won't not show up - the question as all questions of faith are is When?

Other When questions...

We spent our saturday at church membership class and while we were there, a friend of ours was accompanying his wife on the course as well. Instead of wasting away time listening to doctrine again, he spent the arvo studying.

Before I left university, I actually thought I'd try my hand at it, but I know finance and numbers in those details are really not my cup of tea. What it got me thinking was whether Andy and myself were taking the opportunity to grow in all areas. Bible School crossed my mind, mission school crossed my mind but those things truly had to wait till I had served my bond.

On the other hand, my language skills have gone to the dogs. I feel like a liar each time I say I can speak Japanese because I haven't spoken much of it over the last two year much less remember it.

I also thought about how fun and challenging it would be for both of us to be swotting for exams. To see Andy in a different light, and show him how crap I am in learning languages. He has been reminding me ever so often about Japanese classes .... and I have been humming and hawwing and I don't even know why except to say I was not interested.

But something about seein our friend study for something beyound his school of study motivated me to remember that I want to continue growing in ways that will be useful in the field.

I'm still thinking if I have what it takes to see it through, but now is about as good a time to start studying the language formally. It's about two more years to go.

Warning: Whinge-fest ahead

2008-05-15T07:57:00.004+09:00

After living here for 2 years, I've finally come to this point.

I'm sick and tired of trying to do what I need to do (work) and be who I need to be (daughter, wife, mate etc.) and be in high spirits and ever enthusiastic. It's just come to a head. There was a time I had the Time to be all that but that is just not here.

One day. Just one day. I decide not to answer calls on my mobile for 4 hours and I get a total blasting for something as minor as not returning calls or text messages.

Since when were text messages so much more important than a pleasant conversation? Since when was that exchange worth a shouting match?

There is nothing more to say other than I am resigned.

YET,

there are things I know that should be done. I wonder - and yet, its no wonder, why I have become more short-tempered. I wondered if it was an occupational hazard, if it was the general vibe of people around me. That part, I really don't like about myself now. I don't know what has happened to time I had to take time for things to come and let que sera be que sera. Now it has to be THIS way or the highway.

With patience, I think also should be more polite and less demanding, less curt toward others - especially my parents. I remember thinking too long ago when I first returned that I noticed the brashness about others and thinking how I had the opportunity that comes with social adjustment, to be more polite to them. But lately, all I seem to be doing is losing my cool and raising my voice.

What's most frustrating is that I don't know how to turn back time or to bring it forward. I'm at a lost of how to find it in myself to take it easy the way I want to.

What happened to the person I became in Japan? Where did she go?

Ooh, a restful weekend.

2008-04-20T00:16:00.003+09:00

I've had a few packed weekends over the last two months. What with the renovations of the new house, work to take home for marking and general errands to run, Andy and I have not had a weekend to do nothing with ourselves for a long time.

Last week we got to get away with two other couples and that was heaps of fun. It was good for Andy and myself to get our minds off some of our worries and thankfully, a lot of the work got cleared over the week.

So, I was finally looking forward to this 'no-plans' weekend. We slept-in, mulled coffee over the weekend papers, took our time about the household chores. Finally, Andy had a 'great' idea - at about 3pm, we left for lunch at the nearby food centre for beef noodles we had not had in a long time, then we popped over to our new apartment and wowwed ourselves with the tap in the guest toilet. It is the first thing that has been installed! I'm looking forward to our next visit, hopefully next weekend. The carpenters are coming in to put in our cabinets, tables and feature walls. The painters are coming in with our earth shades of paint.

Finally, the evening was beckoning. We went for a trail walk about Lower Pierce reservoir which was lovely. Not many people may know this, but I do love walking in nature. I don't even mind trail-running. It's nice to get outdoors for a breath of fresh air! After that, we adventured further to Upper Pierce reservoir and behold, the monkeys!

I had never seen such aggressive and bold monkeys stealing food right of picnickers table! There were quite a family of them in the area that terrorized the kids... there were also the parents who were terrors themselves, ignoring the ranger's warning that feeding the monkeys could cost their pockets a $500 fine.

We just came back from visiting a friend's house. The discipleship group we've joined at church gathered there to play 'Rock Band' on the Playstation. Up to a month ago, I had not seen let alone had any experience playing with such contraptions. The last time I laid my paws on the playstation was in 2000 when we were still playing Bubble Puzzle, Final Fantasy and Wipeout XL. After I left, I never paid much attention to these games anymore. Once in a blue moon, I'd wonder if I had the energy to pick up Sid Meiers Civilization once again. But I learnt today that games nowadays are a different breed.

It took 3 persons each on a 'play' intrument - microphone, guitar and drums - to do what is pretty much music band karaoke. I found it quite fun, it wasn't all about thumbs and special moves or a certain combination of buttons so I could play along. What I really liked about it was that it was quite a group sport! So a lot of cameraderie built up and cheering for your mates!

Anyway, that's what I call a restful weekend. A bit of the park and a bit of play.

When monday comes around, I shall have the examination scripts on my desk. All 7 classes of 40 odd students writing 2 english language compositions. For one teacher to mark.

Hurrah.

You Need Me.

2008-04-19T21:21:00.003+09:00

First thing this morning, lying in bed, Andy looked straight into my eyes and told me, "You need me."

Now, I love him very much and I do in fact need him, but I found it quite audacious and unlike him to say something like that so outright. Thinking I misunderstood his audacity and cheek, I finally figured wanted me to knead him - as in a massage.

Still, unlike him, but ever the subservient wife, I went into action. Now he is particularly ticklish so he broke into a riot when I started and I couldn't tell what on earth was wrong!

"You asked me to knead you!"

"I mean, you need me!"

"I need you?!" I actually found this more amusing than offensive because this was so unlike him.

"Last night! You kneed me! In the stomach! Right here... "

I would have rolled out of bed it if were possible. Maybe its just me who finds this hilarious as a occupational hazard but it has tickled me all day.

Now I'll just go up to him, tell him I need him and then 'knead' him where it tickles!

Finding friends

2008-04-13T21:37:00.005+09:00

Oooh. I better write this before the time and the thought spare me.

After too many weekends spent over work and errands, A and I finally took the time (and, I realize you really have to take it and set it aside quite forcefully!) to say yes to my old friend's invitation to join them up a drive to Maleka. It's our first road trip as a married couple and a couple of other firsts as well.

What I really liked about it was the relationships we got to deepen, to bless and to be blessed! It was good to have another newly married couple to bounce off ideas and share in our struggles and another dating couple to balance it out, share it what was to come and expect.... I think we all had a good time in general getting to know each other better.

I couldn't help but be thankful to God for a prayer answered - a good friend to share in being newly married too! As we were driving back I got to reminiscing almost 5 years ago, Joy & I being prayer-buddies meeting over coffee between classes. I don't think we ever imagined a day we'd find ourselves married friends like this! Thanks Joy!

$400 To-Do List

2008-03-13T17:57:00.006+09:00

Oh dear.

Leave me at home on my own for a day and I spend almost $400 shopping online. Most of that though was on Thank You Photocards for the wedding and some presents... I did get myself some tuneage off iTunes and a couple of funky tees. But I do like how easy it was to check stuff off my 'To-Do' list.

Now I have to do more work.

A Simple but Good Weekend. Long in coming.

2008-03-08T23:41:00.003+09:00

I've had a good weekend. Nothing spesh although it feels like its been awhile in coming.

The husband was back - he managed to cut his trip by a day which made mid-week somewhat more bearable, although our schedule was completely rubbish till the weekend. It's term holidays and no teaching to get anxious over come monday.

I got off school early and headed to town, witnessed a punch-up of our schoolboy right outside the gates - but that is another story altogether - and went shopping. Had a read-in at Borders and bought P.S. I Love You by Cecilia Ahern - both, something that I haven't done at all since coming back. I was convinced to buy the book like I haven't been for a long time from reading this month's compulsory monthly book reviews that all my kids have to do. I also got myself two tops, some bottoms, a new lippy, a pair of earrings and finally a wallet. My old one which was just lovely, practically had money falling out of it. Then I met A after work and he took me to one of my fav japanese restaurants in Paragon. One word with a capital A. Authentic.

Slept in, finally caught up with some quality time with Andy, caught up on the news over brekkie, did some laundry and cleaning then knuckled down to a sermon from Mars Hill (also long time in coming) and read a quarter of my book. Napped while Andy caught up with more work *sigh*, then we headed out to check out a sound system that might set us back about 4K and looked around for a king-sized bed. Yup. You read it right. A king-sized bed in our HDB apartment. Impossible will be nothing.

Even though Andy caught the movie on the flight back, he wanted me to watch it so we also got tickets to Juno. A great flick - simple and straightforward. No expensive sets. They don't make many like them nowadays. I think he not-so-secretly wanted me to 'get' the song Anyone Else But You by The Mouldy Peaches.

Now, we're off to bed. I know, this has been a fairly boring report as blog entries go. But for some reason, the simplicity of the day without work bearing down on me has made it so good.

Him: You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Her:
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Him:
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Her:
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Him:
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Her:
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Impossible is nothing.

2008-03-06T23:12:00.002+09:00

We're making progress with our apartment. As always, Dad's put in a good job as our consultant. The design is up and I am loving it. We worked really hard to incorporate a lot of the themes of our honeymoon into the concept. A good few rows and nights convincing Dad that there was indeed a way to make the impossible possible in a HDB apartment. And, of course, it will be done.

I was half tempted in putting up the 3D coloured sketches but I think I shall keep it under wraps and keep the suspense going.

Now we're working to keep the cost down. Let the dust rise in two weeks!

2008-03-02T15:36:00.004+09:00

Wow, we have been married three months and Andy is off on a sports convention over the week. I had a think about this... In someways, I was looking forward to some solo time to refocus.

Before a lot of things happened in general, I'm the sort of person who had no qualms whatsoever about spending most the weekend with herself. After a whole week of being with kids who demanded every ounce of my attention, I quite enjoyed the silence of being by myself. I also enjoyed that I had a somewhat fixed schedule and a bevy of dependable friends I saw in between. But mostly, I remember my sunday mornings sitting on my balcony in my PJs, piped worship music behind me while I breakfasted with bible on my lap and then a real solo sesh with God and whatever it was I was to learn. That was true worship for me. I can't recall much how I'd spend the arvo - perhaps just taking in sabbath for what it truly is supposed to be - and then maybe Friessen would rock up and we'd watch a flick or make dinner or jump on his foldable bike and head to Indian for dinner with lots of vanilla lassi. That's how I remember my sundays. That was a long time ago.

H once asked me how one would manage to come so far from there. I honestly don't know and I can't say it would have been my initiative to do so. But then Andy came along and very soon we were one and so you can't be one if one half of you is somewhere you're not. And so, I just learnt to adapt and realize that if I could be comfortable enough to be who I was (most of the time) - the way I was alone - when I was with him, then he was it.

I realize after living for three months with a person (well, after being an other half and having an other half), not having that person around feels kinda weird. In many ways, I miss what things used to be but I love how things are now. Sometimes I really struggle with wanting both worlds. At least every other day, I think about how life used to be before I moved here. I suppose it would also be true to say that I used to think how life was in Sydney before I moved to Japan.

Life here, now, has some routine. Some of which I truly look forward to; like playing tennis at least once or twice a week. But, my life now completely revolves around two major things. My work and my husband. And even then, time to for each other is not easy to get. I also love variety so we try to schedule in friends to bless them and be blessed. Recently, I prayed that A and I would find a good married couple to befriend. We love our single friends but we also need to find some married couples to feedback our struggles on - like, who does the cleaning and how often is it done? I think God may have just provided that couple-friend - so many years ago in Sydney, I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and mix-up with a variety of local students. I had a regular biblestudy with the local aussies, a study I led with overseas christian students and a buddy group which met once a week for prayer over lunch with the local aussie chinese. Eventually, one of these lovely girls decided to move to Singapore - about the same time I moved to Japan - and by the time I moved back and got engaged, so did she with a local boy! When A and I settled into church, a old friend of mine invited us to join him and lo and behold! There they were. Their wedding was not too far off from ours and now that the dust is settling, we've found time to reconnect again. We share a love of sashimi and tennis and God has given us those opportunities to fellowship together.

Anyway, this is meaning to say that life is very different now and I am still adapting. Will I ever think back fondly of this period in time? I want to hope that there will be somethings, then at least I know it won't have been so bad. But my longing for something else, a certain uneasiness I have with things around me wants things to move forward and quickly. Yet, just this weekend, in reading I Would Die For You - a story about BJ Higgins, a 16 year old who died after contracting the bubonic plague from a mission trip - God has reminded me that I also need to be very present here, very content here, very ready to give up my dreams for His and ever always to seek His heart first so that I can be fully filled and prepared for what is to come. I am also learning how to balance time for work, time for God and time with A.

In many ways, I have not been as honest as I used to be on this blog. Initially, I wanted to find all ways to be positive about where I was and how I was doing. But what I am most frustrated about is what I am failing in (duh!). I find I have less luxury of time to bask alone with Him, to be alone with Him as I used to be whether on the beach in Sydney or on my balcony in Kobe. But to say that there is no time to spend with God because of how busy Singapore is sounds like a cop out to me.

Yet, I have little choice about how much time I need to spend at work. I do not need so much pay, but I cannot find a job that pays me what I need. Instead, most jobs pay much more than I want and leave me little time that I need. I can choose to work and have no time or have lots of time and no work. There is little chance to meet at the 'half-way'. Yet, I believe this is part of God's will for my life in this season. I am under service bond for another 2 years and the work I do is impactful in His Kingdom. If I chose to leave now, I would lack expertise is something that He has probably decided will be useful for alter, not to mention all the poorer for mission work. He has made this possible and it is not time for me to leave yet. Perhaps he is training me to make living his Kingdom out in my life possible in ALL circumstance.

I am a slow learner... God, help me to re-focus on you. Give me the courage to move beyond the sin of failing to trust you and making independent choices without seeking your will for my life first. Remind me constantly that regardless of my lack of trust, that you are in control of all the outcomes in my life. Help me to give up my life and my dreams, to learn who I am to be for your glory.

Some notes from the past

2008-02-25T17:11:00.003+09:00

Here's something worth sharing from the past; an entry in February almost 2 years to the date.

Monday, February 20, 2006

ONE THING I LIKE ABOUT WORKING

If there is one thing I do like about working, its that when I'm working I don't think about anything else; can't worry about the finances, or how the future will turn out or how people's reaction. It's just me and my work; laughing with the kids at the challenge of teaching them something worthwhile learning. This still holds true. :-)

Audio: -/-
Biblio:
Cerebrio: How is it I can not go shopping and yet spend so much money

Some observations. My entry formats have changed. I think its because I now have less time to listen, to read and to think. A somewhat sad revelation.

Last week turned out to be a 'big' week. I was a completely wasted zombie on saturday. Even the laugh-a-minute Dim Sum Dollies at the Esplanade didn't get my spirits to stay high for long.

Met up with two old friends to get the low-down and major changes in their lives. Lets call them A and B. Two old friends are also engaged (not to each other) which is big news too. I think these turn of events just take a pounding on my insides and I am the sort that needs quiet time to process these thoughts. Not much time for that around here though...

Tomorrow, I'm going to check out this island called Semakau with my kids. I'm pretty stoked. We've got a yacht to take us out to see the sea. Apparently the conservation work that goes on in the island is top-notch. It used to be a dumping ground of sorts but they've done some major work on it!

Of making books, there is no end.

2008-02-18T17:38:00.002+09:00

Since the last time I wrote about not having any more books, I've realised two other things.

I was under the impression that ever since being back, my love and habit for reading had dwindled. This was because a couple of the books I was reading were left unfinished when I moved to Singapore - and worse still, I had no desire to crack into them again, nevermind that they were written by notable authors whose books I thoroughly enjoy traveling the world through previously.

Given this strange state, I also stopped buying books because of my endless list of 'books to read'. But I've come to see I still love reading. Phew! This was a real dilemma as I went through Teachers' College: How could I teach reading and literature if I stopped reading!

I didn't so much stop liking reading as I did find myself in a new phase of life in which there seemed to be no books that related. Then there was a certain denial that I may no longer qualify as 'inter-cultural'. (One of my favourite genres, not only because of the couch-potato travelling but because I finding myself in there and empathizing with the characters.)

Yet, somehow, the books stealthily managed to find their way back into my life. Huzzah! And thank goodness! Despite whatever phase I may find myself in, the intercultural books still resonate deeply with me. I imagine this is because that is where my heart lies.

I've since read two books and also added three books to my bedside table. I visited the bookstore but still found myself incredibly fussy about the type of books I want to read. But, we all must be discerning since of making books, there is no end.

You know you are educated in Singapore when...

2008-02-14T10:03:00.004+09:00

We are dealing with the topic of Education in our Senior English class this month. They *ahem* certainly like the opportunity to share their opinions and suggestions about what being in the system for the last 10-years has been like.

So, we came up with these....

You know you are educated in Singapore when...
1. You think a week without tests is unusual.
2. You think 'Holiday Homework' is meant to be done on your holidays.
3. Half your classmates are spectacle-wearers.
4. You go for 'enrichment' classes even before you can read.
5. You plan for the final national exams (O'levels) in your first year of school.
6.You spend your spare time at tuition.
7. You are willing to pay an arm and a leg for bootlegged test papers from other schools.
8. Your government discourages you from speaking your lingua franca.
9. You don't care how you get it as long as you get the right answers.
10. You are more interested in your friends' results when you get your test scripts back.

Some Pressure, Some Motivation

2008-02-05T10:17:00.000+09:00

Also, as a side note, 2 of my form boys are team players on the school soccer team. The school team were having a bit of a hard time proving themselves on the field despite this season having home ground advantage. Since I was their form teacher and since I am such a strong supporter, I cut a deal with them. For every goal they scored, they were priveleged to do 1 less homework for me (that did not count toward their final grade). For every goal they let the opponent score, they would have to do 1 more piece of work for me. The latter half was actually their idea.

The rationale is this: they work hard on the field, they do the school proud, they do the class proud, they do me proud, they should get some perks. They let the opponent score, they play badly, all the more reason they need to work at school to do well in life ;-)

Yesterday, they beat their opponents 3:1 And both my soccer boys scored a goal each. Hurrah! We are all happy people!

Amazingly, when I met them this morning, they were pleased as peas about their goals - but didn't say anything about wanted to be excused from the long weekend homework...

2 Years Come May

2008-02-05T10:10:00.000+09:00

I recently found out that my Singapore mobile phone contract was coming to its 2-year end. Which means to say, *gasp* I have been here for two years come May.

I can't believe I have survived for that long. I will have to survive for another 2 years. *grits teeth*.

This is only meaning to say that the red bag is probably more like 3 1/2 years old. :-(

Time for a new bag

2008-02-03T00:07:00.000+09:00

Me: My bag broke. Time to go bag shopping this weekend..."
A: Okay. Lets get you a bag - it can be an early valentine's present!
Me: Maybe I think I could get it mended at a cobblers. I really like the bag. I can't bear to let it go so easy.
A: You can have two! One to go with anything red or black and another to match other outfits."
Me: But then I would always want to use the one my husband bought...

After we bought my new Timbuk2 Plum Black Berry Messenger bag...
A: I like that red bag.
Me: Yeah... its a good bag! (It is a good bag...) and it was only US$50! That's like...SGD$90+ And its been with me for so long all around Japan. Ever since I met you. A good two and a half years at least!
A: I carried it for you in Japan. Reminds me of going to school. Hrrrmm, you could carry the new bag - and I can have the red bag to take to work when its mended!

Like everything else. There are things my red messenger bag could do better but it is a great bag. On the other hand, I checked out how much my new bag would've cost and we saved up to $40 from the listed price online. I also wonder what its shelf life should be since it cost so much more than I would've thought it ought to.

Anyway, now I think I know where to put my Aussie & Japan flag patches.

Lost For A Good Book To Read

2008-02-02T17:08:00.000+09:00

I had a whole list of books I had yet to read at the back of my mind. You know, the condition of the bibliophile who buys all the books she wants to read but hasn't got the time?

I realized I had this problem - so I stopped myself from buying books since moving to Singapore. Instead, I figured, I would buy DVDs - they were quicker to get through - till I had got through my stack of books. I figured this would take awhile.

I can't remember when exactly those thoughts passed through my head. But I remembered I had a stack to get through and I would aim to plod through it slowly so I could savour each story.

Today, we went to get tickets for our long weekend away next week, so I went to my bookshelf to get that book I would read by the pool and lo(w) and behold! I went through all of the books and I couldn't find one book from that 'stack'!

So, slowly and surely, I have finished reading the stack. Despite a million things to do from going back to school, a new job, getting married and setting up a new home, I have somehow managed to carve out more time than I imagined to read. I am 15 pages to the end of the book I'm currently reading, Imprisoned In Iran: Love's Victory Over Fear by Dan Baumann from YWAM.

Never in my mind have I ever been at a lost for a book in hand to read. Afterall, "of making many books there is no end"! There are many good books out there but I have not seen (or been looking for) a book to add to the bookshelf.

The books I want to read, are the books that make my heart ache to be somewhere else doing something else, far from the reality I lead here. So, I try not to read those books although they are the ones I enjoy the most. The rest of the books seem like a waste of time compared to the former. So here I am. A lost for a good book to read. Unbelievable.

Those IR laser pointy things

2008-01-16T23:20:00.000+09:00

I finally bought one of those IR presenters to use in class. I've been stalling on them for the longest prices, discouraged at how much they would set me back by.

Control the lesson from the back of the class for $150? Other alternatives I came up with could have been more effective but far more expensive too. Like the wireless blackboard system that I can tote around and write all over in digital ink.

Last week, I finally decided I was going to make some changes in my teaching style to make life generally more managable. So I bought those IR presenters with a laser pointer.

What I'm stoked about is that it only cost me US$11.95 before international shipping. Even with first class express postage my total cost comes up to less than half of what I would pay in Singapore.

This serves to support my preference for online shopping!

Sending some up

2008-01-14T20:18:00.000+09:00

Dear God,

Thank you for the beautiful sunset on the way home. The silouette of the cross against the blazing sky was a reminder that you are sovereign over all things.

I cannot control what others think of me, I have no power to influence what they say of me. I know that no matter what they think or what they say that you love me all the same. And what matters most is the heart of the matter.

Help me to show the heart of the matter in all things I do. I pray that I will reflect the heart of the matter in everything I do.

Thank you for a great day and for holding me up despite the long hours. And despite my complaints, thank you for a job I love, a job worth doing, one that has rewards even though I may not see them everyday.

Thank you for work that holds up your love to all. It is a great opportunity to be working in such an environment where I know and believe I can speak my mind about who you are.

Thank you for colleagues that show love to me, that are kind and thoughtful and encouraging. Thank you for understanding mentors who guide me. Help me to always see them and think of them in humility so that I may learn from them and become what you need me to be. I pray that for some of these great people that they will one day come to know your great love.

Help me remain steadfast in my principles, in my vision even though Satan bares his ugly teeth at me. Help me to always see your face, your vision and your business in all that I do.

Lastly, help me be a beacon for love and change.

My kids are in your hands. My work is in your hands. My peers are in your hands as is our future.

Sending some up to you.

Principles for School

2008-01-12T14:30:00.000+09:00

I finally tweaked my iTunes account from Japan so now that I can have a billing address Stateside, I can have my iTunes in Singapore! Fwah Ha!

At US$9.99 an album, it makes so much more financial sense to buy albums at SGD$15 after tax, off iTunes this way. And I don't have to buy whole albums and live with the duds.

First up - tobyMac's Portable Sounds and DCB's Remedy.

First week of school was much better than I anticipated. I have more of a grip on things, the kids know me better and I of them, I take mostly graduating classes so I get to work them real hard and most of them likewise want to make the rest of the year count. My freshmen scholars are so far wide-eyed and eager to please. Suspect they also want to live up to their 'scholar' class status. Works well enough for me.

Even the ASD boy in the class is pretty bright. Not exceptionally communicative but he shows signs of savant intelligence. He's lovely - he doesn't have much expression. I have only seen two: wariness and being pleased himself when he knows he's done well following instructions and completing his work. When I see that smile across I have to try to spy from the side cause if he sees me looking at him, the smile melts and he has the wary look as if I was expecting something from him.

I inherited some new classes this year because one of the teachers who is responsible for the graduating batches will be leaving mid-year. I've been getting feedback from her that the current students in my 2nd Literature class who from her class previously have lamented, "Why arn't you teaching us! please come back! Mrs. Chilibuddy is so fierce! She makes us work SO hard!"

This class is also my form class of 30 under-acheivers. They made similar comments to me last year "why can't you just give us the answers on the board over-head. Our previous teacher did that. Now we have to think and work so much harder." I was laughing all the way back to my office.

On the other side of the door however, I got a nice affirmation from an experienced teacher. First, she asked me how old I was while we were in-between classes. I told her later when we were out of the ear-shot vicinity of my students and asked why she made such an effort to find out. She said, "Oh. It just seems that you really seem to know what you are doing and handling the kids."

The next day in the lounge we were discussing table setups in the classroom. She said again, "I think you are a very hip teacher!" I didn't quite know how to respond to that so I said thanks and shrugged my shoulders and she explained, "I see how the kids are with you and I think the kids really look up to you. You're interesting enough that they want to know you, old enough that they know they can't mess around too much with you (and you are strict and have very high expectations of them). But, you're young enough that they can relate to you."

No peer has said that of me so far in my teaching career here. It's nice to know that despite how I feel - frustrations with being myself, being a good educator, being a good older mentor and being a good employee (add to that, wife) - that some of it does come through even though I can't imagine or see how.

Lately, the other thing I've been thinking about are the expectations on children and children's expectations. My kids regularly ask me to play ball with them, I have never said yes although I am beginning to be warmed to the idea. Andy said he would jump at the chance if he were me - of course, my husband (there, I said it) is all sport. He asked, would I play easy so that they would feel small successes over their teacher. Actually, I think the kids would play extra hard against their teacher at ball.

This is because, I believe the kids want to measure themselves against the adults and to see where they stand. It would be too patrionizing to let them win easy. They do enjoy a challenge even if they don't know it.

This is why it is in teenagers genetics to misbehave and push the envelope. It works two ways. It keeps us adults on our toes and reminds us of what it means to be creative. Secondly, they are trying to see how far they can go: how far they can push and how far they can soar.

This translates to having high expectations for them so that they have a worthy challenge to work toward. It is still my innate reaction to take the back seat at an unworthy challenge, one that doesn't require that much of me, one that I know that if I put in just a little bit of effort that I will succeed. I already know I will succeed so I won't even try. Wierd isn't it?

On the other hand, if its something immensely challenging in an area that intrests me than it is in my interest that I sweat for it no matter how difficult it is. Japan is a great example. There was the possibility I would cower and head back to Sydney but then, I remember thinking to myself, success only came with perserverance. So with much prayer and God's help I think I made it a success for myself.

So, back to the kids, if you have high expectations for them - one that is just beyond their reach, that requires them to work and sweat for it for success - then I think they will want to step up to the plate and bat. This is also where discipline plays a big part.

I have a system in the class which I have found works very well. I tell them that nothing comes for free - if you want to be in my class, then you have to work for it. Technically, they don't have a choice but this is how it works: If there is homework due, you do not get to enter my class until I see that you have completed it. This works in my favour because, I have an a/c'd classroom on the first floor, which is also the same floor that the Principal likes to go walkabout. My under-acheivers have 'met' him twice this year and school has only been one and a half weeks.

When you are in my class, I don't give out answers until I see that you have tried them out yourself. I tell my kids, I am not interested in correct answers because they are easy to get. Crib sheets. I tell them I am interested in their thinking of it and to do that they have to produce it, verbalize it, explain it etc. It's a good exercise to help them be cognitively aware of their thinking processes and find the flaws in their logic when they discuss with their friends, before they get a red mark on their sheets.

I am also less interested in how well they do than how they do it. I think this is a biblical principle. God's not interested in who you are, how well you do but how you do it and with what heart. Of course, discipline, patience, perserverance and hard work are all the same keys to success in life as it is in success in education. This is why children must go to school. Not just to do well, but to learn those life lessons.

I also give them as much opportunities as I can afford to help them succeed: I will explain, I will guide, I will chide but they have to complete your class work before you leave for recess. This is time set aside for them to learn and I cannot control what affects them after class, so this is the best I can do for them.

While I have very high expectations for them, there is also one thing I will not tolerate in my classroom: rudeness and discouragement. That is the best I can do to give them a conducive environment.

This year, I endeavour to give a lot to them and to expect a lot from them. I know they will let me down sometimes but I also have faith that come next year this time, they would have done me so proud.

The Love Tank

2008-01-04T22:45:00.000+09:00

In his endeavours to be a good spouse, Andy took to reading one of those how-to-make-your-marriage-work books. I won't say what it is though...

Since it was targetted for men, the author wrote about how men had the biblical responsibility to please their wives and one way of doing this was to make sure the 'love tank' was filled up.

Readers may be familiar with the analogy of the Love tank from the series of books on Langauages of Love. In this case, the author spun off from there to say that women were a lot like automobiles. (It's a men's book afterall and there must be a car in the book somewhere in there apparently to keep them reading).

It's easy to take offence at the women = automobiles analogy. I had many good reactions when I shared this with my colleagues. WHAT?! A machine?!

Despite my initial disdain for the authors snap analogy, Andy did an excellent job of redeeming it. He explained that a car can only go so far on an empty gas tank and likewise a woman's love tank needs to be filled for her to be happy etc. There are some cars who are guzzlers and then there are some women who are very fuel efficient. Right.

"So, what sort of automobile does that make me?" I attempted to stump him.
"Hrrrrm. You'd be a volkswagon beetle"
"What?!"
"When you see a Beetle, the car is all curves!"

I almost hit my head falling off the bed laughing.

"It's pretty and its powerful at the same time!".

"It's a fun car and its got a colourful personality and its german technology!"

The boy was on a roll for the rest of it. I never thought of how far the analogy could go but I suddenly realized, there were a lot of different types of car for all the different types of women out there.

And this, is how men think.

* * *

When I told him I was writing this, he made sure to remind me, "did you mention the location of the engine? You're uniquely different, everyone would think the engine is in front, but yours is at the back!"

At first I thought he was referring about my milkshake - which is such a male thing - so I had to get him to explain so I wouldn't get it wrong: "You are different. Most guys would think, "Oh I have this figured, I know where the engine is, in front!" And most car engines are in front, but you're not so easy to figure and you are definitely not like the rest!"

Oh bless his heart.

Coping with some special kids

2008-01-01T20:15:00.000+09:00

I knew this year will be challenging. Not in the way that there are hurdles and goals to attain or big changes and transitions but in the slow ache of settling into phases that have changed.

The good news is that I have some special kids I'll teach; a Scholar's class at Sec 1 that I will take for English. What is daunting is that I'll have a student with ASD - Austism Spectrum Disorder. He'll be slow in verbal and communication skills but he must be pretty good at his work for him to have made the cut to the class.

As usual, this will call for lots of prayers.

It's a wrap!

2007-12-31T14:13:00.000+09:00

JANUARY: Hanging with my MNMC posse in Japan. We pray for dinner in real-time webconferencing! The Delirious Mission Bell Concert with AXH & HT.

FEBUARY: Andy's "What-every-girl-wants-present" Valentine's Day goes horribly wrong! I don't want it! Start training at Ghetto Secondary School. Andy goes to Krabi. Alone. WTH. My parents buy a cleaning robot!

MARCH: Pre-honeymoon to Bintan, Indonesia. Bliss! Andy goes to Ministry School. We're engaged at the end of the month!

APRIL: We attend Kairos: World Missions Course. Start the planning. We pick a date.

MAY: It's official where I'll be teaching and serving my scholarship bond. Too many things to do...

JUNE: I embrace the teaching profession. I pick a gown. The housing system in Singapore baffles us while the property prises go against us.

JULY: I graduate with my Post-graduate Educational Diploma and start teaching!

AUGUST: Found an apartment!

SEPTEMBER: Teachers' Day. I'm in school uniform!

OCTOBER: I buy my Palm TX to manage life here. I'm getting married in SIX weeks! Plan. Plan. Plan. Mark exam papers. Plan somemore.

NOVEMBER: It's the year end vacation, finally. And, We're married!

DECEMBER: Our 1st honeymoon to Bali, Indonesia. Living it up in the lap of luxury! Plan our next getaway!

What a year... a lot of it was about the wedding and adjusting to work. I know I have let a lot of things slip by carelessly. Next year, will be about the marriage and adjusting to work again. I hope I'll be able to account for my time and energy better. I'd like to think I'll use my time here wisely to prep. There's less of a end-goal, but I suspect it will be filled with quite a bit to look back on again next time this year.

2006 + 2005 + 2004

Goals for 2008

2007-12-31T13:46:00.000+09:00

In no particular order...

1. Run some, yet to be discussed distance in the 2008 The Singapore Marathon with Andy.
2. Spend time more productively away from work over the computer and internet.
3. Grow a relationship with 3 new persons/couples.
4. Setup home complete with furnishings!
5. Have people spend time in our home!
6. Serve with Andy on a small ministry that will help us grow together but not take too much solo time from us since we want time to build us-ness.
7. Survive at work.
8. Take formal Japanese language classes with Andy.
9. Read more.
10. Spend more time with God.

And I already think that is one too many things for us to do!

TAKING STOCK OF 2007

2007-12-31T13:37:00.001+09:00

What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Engaged and married!

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2007?
I think so, but what were they in the first place?

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Now the parents want company for her.

Did anyone close to you die?
No.

What countries did you visit?
Vietnam and Indonesia. Gah. Too busy working!

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
iPhone. No, I'd like a Kingdom Purpose - not that I lacked one, but 2007 had its own reasons.

What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 24th - our wedding date.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Technically, a wedding shouldn't count. Especially since I had a party planner.

What was your biggest failure?
Nothing felt like a big failure :-)

Did you suffer from illness or injury?
Not as much as last year! I slept lots and looked after my body well!

What was the best thing you bought?
My Palm TX, I need it to manage life here.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Andy, still. He is a really great guy to have married. I don't know who else would put up... no, I mean love my nonsense.

Where did most of your money go?
We recouped the wedding and I suppose the honeymoon falls under his budget so most of it went to ministries.

What did you get really excited about?
Getting married. (This is a phase hazard, I'm not usually this smug about it.)

Which song will always remind you of 2006?
"If I Kissed You" by Corrinne May since it was one of our wedding songs. Although, the truth behind that song is that I kissed him first. ;-)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder
Thinner or fatter? Thinner!
Richer or poorer? Richer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading the bible, doing biblestudy, spending time with God. You get the drift.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinate - but that is entirely not true. I don't wish to do less of it. I want to do more!

How did you spend Christmas?
Had a great kids' christmas service at our new church ARPC, lunched with my parents over Penang Fare, showed Andy around my run-route, presented ourselves as a unit at the Tan Family Christmas Dinner and then promptly fell sick with a ear & nose infection.

Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Andy when he was working in HK.

Did you fall in love in 2007?
I guess so...

What was your favorite TV program?
I still do not watch TV.

What was your favourite movie?
I watched more movies at the cinema this year than the last 3. The few memorable ones were.... ...

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No....

What was the best book you read?
The Irresistable Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane claiborne

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Third Day's Chronology. I could listen to it over and over again. It is MY cd in the car.

What did you want and get?
Someone to share my dreams and visions with and play with me in the meantime.

What did you want and not get?
I got my way most of the time. Or maybe for once I figured out what God wanted me to do. :-)

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Planned for the wedding, yumz japanese dinner, turned 28.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Could I possibly ask for more?!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Whatever worked.

What kept you sane?
.... hrrrrmm. oh dear.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Whoddat?

Who did you miss?
The Monday Night Mini-church Crew.

Who was the best new person you met?
I reconnected with a lot of old friends and got to meet ones from out of state so I think that counts for more.

A valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
It is a struggle to keep perspective.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
...

On Christmas, Marriage, Work and life Beyond.

2007-12-24T12:07:00.000+09:00

Perhaps because this is the year-end that one gets sort of reminiscent and reflective. And even though I think its good practice, I didn't think I was going to succumb to it earlier than Christmas.

Well, this is my second Christmas since I've been back in Singapore and it doesn't look like its going to be happy and hearty as the last. This, despite that I am a 1-month newly-wed and in our 'honeymoon phase'. That must mean something right?

That festive joy seems to take an awful long time to creep in. It's Christmas eve and I'm waiting to be hit with that warm happy fuzzy feeling. Which leaves me to think that its less something that hits you and more something that starts with you.

Here is one thing that I know is keeping me from my expectant joy: I know two close and dear families who are having trouble with their marriage. These people are the folks we grow up looking toward for authority and example. I know both are struggling to keep things together, to work at loving each other still despite failures in responsibilities, loyalties and hopes. This means so much more now that I am married. I have never understood how marriages could work without God. While I love Andy very much at this point of time, what's to say that in 10 or 20 or even 5 years that we won't be struggling really hard, when the only thing that is keeping our relationship together is God? I cannot imagine any other reason for perservering if God is not my reason. And yet, even when God is the reason for working to keep marriages and families together as I am seeing in those two marriages and families, I can see, in one of them, that some may have little staying power. Hard lessons to keep in your heart so early in a marriage.

Another thing that walls the festive spirit is the fear of sickness and health. I am not sick and neither are my closest and dearest, yet. But there is the fear that time will prove me wrong. No, I do not think that anyone is ill, I just am really afraid that one day those I love will battle the fate our flesh. What brings this? Some older friends of mine have not been doing well. They are only 3-5 years older than me. One just went under the knife to remove a cancerous kidney, another's father passed away this weekend. I imagine in due time, these will be the things I'll struggle with.

Then of course there is work. I tire even of this subject since we all struggle with this thing called work. This is one area I try stay positive and not complain about because everyone already complains about it and secondly because I believe I have a lot to be thankful for. I suppose if I spent my time being thankful I would complain less; I do have a good paying job and one that I will not lose for awhile. This allows me to stay in a safe country of generally low (relative and yet rising) living costs where water is clean, medical facilities are readily available and be able to spend time and place with those I love.

But it comes at a cost that slowly drains and saps me from my dreams and hopes. One of the most hopeful things I heard at our wedding was Andy telling me that our mission would be mission. A year and a half since coming back, it is like a reality that slowly slips away, a life so far away from where I am right now. Can it be that one and a half years is all it takes to change me to fit the mold here? That instead of my life's hope to live my life to the fullest for God, that I am living my life to help other, individuals and organizationally, reach their worldly goals? Yes, this is something I find to be true even in the christian environment of our school - and only because this is the country and government under which we live.

I've said for the longest time since moving back that the transition has been smoother than expected. That doesn't mean easy or smooth but that i expected it worse. What is worse? A quick rip of the band-aid or a slow aching pain that creeps over time?

Now, looking back a lot of that pain was eased largely because I had two good reasons to be here, to school and Andy. Now that I am done with Teacher's College and Andy and I are a unit, my spirit starts to become restless and question what it is I am supposed to be doing with myself, ourselves now or till we are to move again.

Let me be honest; there are immense difficulties in me being here. The intuitions of society slowly but surely put pressure on me to conform. It's sick. If I put family and life first, I am pressured to be more committed to work. And somehow, in the rhetoric, I am told that that is what a good teacher should be. That is to make me feel I ought to put in more time and energy into all the other responsibilities above and beyond the classroom, like spending this vacation actually doing work like writing proposals. This is why Singaporeans are all overachievers, you are supposed to do more than you signed up for. And if you don't follow suit then well, you will get the the short end of the stick. Of course, I don't think I am lazy, I just think I have a very different priority in life.

With the new year fast approaching - technically speaking, this is the last day of my vacation - I dread 2008. It is such a strange thing to say since I have always lived hopefully expectant. There is some anxiousness with the new year; I know I will get more responsibilities at work that I am not keen at all to take up but there is little choice in that. I wonder how I will manage that and work on cementing our new marriage and setting up home. At the same time, we are thinking about juggling serving God and working toward missions. I think they are all possible, if work didn't seem to creep in, demanding more and more of our time and energy. I sometimes envy the lower paid industries - I could earn my keep and what I need and spend the rest of my heart tending to Kingdom business.

And that is the thing, Kingdom Business. I think that is what I was created for because that is when I really really feel most alive and living. Even being in its midst is not good enough for me, I want to be part of it. There is the talk that comes with marriages and weddings that 'now you can have a kid' or that it should be the next thing to work toward. I have not yet said to most that while it is something that we want, it isn't something that we want now. It can if it happens I suppose, but what our hearts really want is Kingdom Business. We would like to go to YWAM DTS in a few years and we should probably work toward paying off our living and tuition fees for that. It's a good thing by then, the apartment would be paid off because if I have my way, I would love to open and share the house to missionaries in Singapore, when we are away. This makes terrible planning for the financial advisor who would like to tell us that we should build our wealth for the future of our children since we would have no income. But it would be so exciting for me to live it out and see how God would provide for us then. Otherwise, life can get boring if you could plan for what is to happen. It's completely anti-intuitive, but having enough to do what I want is simply not enough to let God do what he is really good at.

Anyway, this Christmas, while it may not hold as much revelry and mayhem as I'd like, is by no means an unimportant one. I feel I am standing on a precipice and when I look back at this particular Christmas in the future, it will probably be weighted with deep meaning of lessons learnt from this point forward. In the meanwhile, I shall take comfort in this:

"Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering... Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." Romans 12:1-2

CRITICAL

2007-12-23T23:22:00.000+09:00

I think dinner turned out to be an utter flop. Sigh.

As festive dinners go, it didn't live up to the anticipation I had to having a great dinner with the family. It was supposed to be quaint but it turned out to be too quiet. The food was acceptable but left me little desire to return. You'd hardly think there was any revelry going on. Would it be too strange to wonder if Russian's celebrated Christmas? Some part of our table conversation proved a dampener too.

This is coming from someone who got reprimanded from someone very dear about how I was too critical and how I ought to be more magnanimous. A parallel was given of a very critical lady at work who was detested by most and how dreadful it would be if I turned out that way. I'm sure it was done with the best of intention but I feel somewhat misunderstood.

Yet, I can't reason out of it other than that I considered myself (and almost took pride in thinking that I was) less critical than most. Money came into the discussion briefly that I should not make an issue over an incident when I was over charged $1 or if I should seek compensation for a late service. Of course, it is my benefit to justify myself in those cases but I really don't really want to do that.

What I really want to know is if I am critical - and by that, I am not interested in couching that in positive terms on how that makes me a great thinker or anything. Do me a favour and let me know if I am and when I was. I make a biased judgement of myself and this is great sort of self-reflection.

The Smug Married

2007-12-18T17:02:00.000+09:00

I better write this while its still fresh and counts for something. But before I get started ranting I better say something about writing about Husbandry 101. I actually thought I might either rewrite the site or set up a new one and call it that - to journal this life-course of course.

But then, I have issues with writing about acquiring a husband and being married. I have little words to describe how I feel when I read another blog on a gal's husband or her fair skin bub. They are like a glazy, distant world to me, something I have found hard to relate to and perhaps so will the single reader. What makes these people write about their newly married life and why I would want to read it? After two or three blogs, they all have the same subliminal message: life is good.

The bad bits I suppose are the ones that can categorized under 'Private' and the rest of the world, has one less useful lesson we can learn from someone elses' mistake. These issues are sensitive ones, they're private pains (or joys) and hence not for public consumption. So, who can fault them?

Since a blog is generally about on-goings of one's life and not much else, there is not much else but to write about being a newly married person. I cringe when I think that is what I will write about. Maybe because I don't like the idea that it has now become all of my life. And yet, it has to be my life. Like God's presence in my life, it cannot just be 1/3 of my life pie chart, it has to be the centre from which all else stems from.

My second issue about writing Husbandry101 is that I'll end up sounding like life is good. I know married life is not all good, we've all been told that but we hardly see it. We always end up seeing the glamourous bits of it. And psychology has taught us that we are visual learners first.

I must say, much of what the observations has been Andy's while I have just been thinking them. He's noticed the difference in how we are treated now that we are married. Let's start with the married folk. I can't tolerate smug marrieds. The whole notion that life's solution lay in getting married just bugged me to the bones. I'm sure it was great for them but you don't have to get into everyone's face and tell them how good life is now that they are married. Or for that matter say to A, "How's married life? Good, eh??" Like, life was not good before for him? As Andy recalls, life was pretty good before marriage; a girl, a job, a hobby... what else could life want for more? If anything, marriage brings on more....

Married life isn't bad, but it isn't all that great either - its just a different phase of life and while we're new at it, its exciting but all things adventurous and exciting always have had that aspect of adrenalin and fear, just like rock-climbing for example. And you don't get the good high till you're actually done climbing.

So, A's been noticing how we are being 'initiated' into the flock. Oh shudder, when they find out I'll be dragged in kicking and screaming. Smug marrieds are smiling and nice to everyone - who is married.

Mrs Bright Smile, "You guys have a great week, okay? See ya next weekend!"
Poor Tired & Sweaty Single, "Seeya next week. Hmpf."

Somehow Poor Tired & Sweaty Single seems to have a better grasp of reality - what good week? We have to go back to work monday and its the festive season!

Oh yea, and the sick joke from the married men, "You look tired. Wife been keeping you up?" You didn't notice that he was tired before and worse still you didn't notice till he was married.

Also interesting is the household stereotype which this festive season give opportunity to. Last year, it was "why don't you bring drinks?". This year "You and Andy can bring some roast meats. I have a knife carver and I'm good with it". How do I even begin to deconstruct the implied?

I am incapable of cooking until married... which is utter bullocks. I actually like to cook, I think I do quite well and cook for a home party every week in Japan.

Now that you're married, you can bring the main dishes that count. "Wow, your roast lamb was great! It must have been such hard work." Ever heard someone say, "Wow, the coke you brought was a killer! How did you do it?!" Why do the singles always get delegated the drinks? I think this year, I will bring drinks.

Only married men are practiced in carving meat because now they have a 'family' to hunt and gather for. Who cared about the poor single men who didn't have to work and just sat around all day. They didn't have to hunt and gather, what would they know about hacking ham?

I don't know why it is, but it is. I had great fun last year taking the piss out of the Smug Marrieds at Christmas. They didn't know quite what to do with me, "yes, I haven't had a 'real' job' so far... mostly fun things...little do they know...", "I'm still in school - i don't work", "This years bonus? Oh, I gave that away - I don't have the pleasure the excuse to save for my kids or anything".

One of the things that riled me last year was a get-together that a newly married organized for all the peeps that helped at the wedding. Everyone was married except me and another gal. Everyone was busy admiring the house, but we didn't know what to do about it. Maybe cause my dad's in the profession so I don't give a hoot or perhaps more likely, i just don't give a hoot where they bought their white Grohe sanitary finishings. Sorry, I can't help you there, I only know where to buy awesome-designed-white-macs.

My single friend and I laughed so hard when we shared that our christmas wish list last year wasn't the latest swanky electrolux washing machine and she was only interested in buying heels not a home. Well, despite having to set up a new home next year, this years wish list is for an iPhone (which I know I can't get for Christmas, but I will accept belated gifts when they do arrive in 2008). I will give up a dishwasher for that anytime. Our house will get done, and I'm sure it'll be the kind of place I wanna hang out in, but don't expect me to rattle off things about my new home when it comes. I'm only interested how much I'll get to share it with others - not lock it up so it doesn't get dirty.

Honeymoon = Andy's honey over the moon?

2007-12-14T15:55:00.001+09:00

I shall admit, this is an attempt to procrastinate from work that I should be doing at home.

Well, we're back from the honeymoon. And it was really good. A bit like R&R chill-outs at some beach resort that A & I love to spend our holidays but this time, spread out between the beaches and our villas. We only really spent 1 day sightseeing and another checking out the art and handicraft galleries. After that, I decided that wasn't the way I was interested in spending my vacation, let alone our honeymoon.

We had a total of three villas with privy pools, breakfast cooks, butlers, flower petal strewn baths, tropical outdoor showers, candlelight dinners, 4 Balinese spa treatments and buggy to boot.

It is quite easy to laze away the time so you see how difficult it is for me to get any work done at home now that I am back. Poor him who has to be at work.

I don't want to give a tiresome run down of what ensued - it was a chilled-out honeymoon after all. But, its been awhile since I've put up images so here are some random pictures from the 200+ we harvested...

More [here].

I got married!

2007-11-29T15:16:00.000+09:00

It is only fitting that I make the announcement: I got married last weekend!

Preludes to the wedding were somewhat busy, but I assume I had it very easy since
1. my aunt was the wedding planner.
2. my mom settled the food (I didn't even know what was served)
3. my dad was in his element with designs
4. my family is non-trad so we skipped all the ceremonial bits except the church and did away with the asian tradition of a dinner banquet and just had the extended family dinner instead. This was great to catch up with all the out-of-town folk.
5. we decided to work on our house after the wedding so we wouldn't have a million and another one things to work on. I just went to the apartment yesterday with Dad to have a look-see again at what needs to be done. We are aiming to be ready for people by mid-feb.

Other notables...
The morning of the wedding was quite fun! I had no problem sleeping the night before as with most nights. (Or days for that matter). I was up early and well-rested. Had my regular brekkie over the newspaper. People started to stream into the house and it was like a party. My mom loved that there were so many boys in the food ransacking her fridge. She said, 'This is what you have a house for'. I caught up with cousins, family friends and friends who had flown straight in from the airport as my make-up was being done. It was so good that we dawdled for time and even thought to swing by the drive-in to get more food but the Rev. actually called to make sure the bridal party was on its way. You bet the party was on its way!

As I was walking down the aisle, my only thought was, "This is easier than I thought!" The ceremony was quite quick and once the vows were said, I thought, "you mean we waited this long and this is it?!" It was a bit of an anti-climax so it makes one wonder what exactly is the darn big deal that most people get their knickers knotted up over.

If there was one thing I was anxious over - it was only that Andy would tip me back to far and I would topple over during the 'kiss the bride' bit. We figured, since most people made the sacrifice of sleep or time to be here, we'd make sure that they at least had something good to take away so we went for the Hollywood kiss... I've had various comments from, "why not lower!" to "I thought that was pretty low!"

Yes, yes. I am now a pretty Low.

Pictures will be up in awhile in some FlickR Pro account. I'm excited to see the pics but I'm not in such a big rush either so I'm aiming to release the url when Andy and I get back from our honeymoon. That, should be great.

Meanwhile, here's the growing up vid we showed at the ceremony, now made available for all to enjoy!

100% Present

2007-11-19T17:23:00.000+09:00

I had plans today to meet a good friend I've known for almost ten years. The idea was to check-in with each other before I cross over to the other side. I think it would've been good if it happened but that's be rainchecked.

As was the last time we tried to make plans with each other. I'm fully aware that people lead very busy lives in Singapore but I would have to agree with my mom on this, "only dead people have no time!" I for one find myself squeezing for time too but I am a firm believer that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Time is a scarcity to all in Singapore, and how we spend our time shows our priority - if you spend more time earning big bucks or climbing up the ladder, it tells of your treasure and where your heart is.

Another principle I am a firm believer and advocate for is that when I do something, I want to do it with all of me. Not halfway and not multi-tasking my priorities. This I find a very hard balance to walk as a Christian - how do I balance giving my all to my pay-master (who is always demanding more) and giving my all to the other priorities in my life, like God, friends or ministry. Even as I write these words, I see the plank in my eye, I do invest more heart into work nowadays than I do into ministry. And excuses are easy to find.

I bring up these two principles because of late, I find myself wondering why it is that meeting up with said friend is that difficult and when we do, she is also doing something else? Either it is meeting up with her while going shopping for an important article of clothing, or going for a run with her and then have her friend join us because its been a long time since they caught up, or as in the case today, suggesting I meet her while she goes shopping in town for a new phone for her mom instead of our plan to just have coffee in the quiet suburbs - and that was already a 1 hour slot-in before dinner.

I was selfish. I was tired of being slotted in-between, tired of being part of a multi-task. I want to be 100% present and I need her to be 100% present too - we are all taking time out of our busy schedules to do this, so lets jolly well do this completely. In the end, I realized I wasn't going to make a rushed trip down to town to see her if it wasn't going to be an opportunity to catch-up with her fully while she went to pick up her phone. And, especially since I know she was going to rush off for her dinner appointment.

To me, it just speaks of where her priorities are not. I believe she would consider me important. But, making someone a 'multi-task' to do is rude and it says of where that person's importance is. I am of more value than a new phone!

It's a pity. I'll still try to see if we can meet up but maybe this is already an indication of how dynamics are starting to divide. Learning points for me are that I really must be 100% present when making appointments with my friends and I must make the time to make them important in my life.

The length of things to come.

2007-11-16T21:32:00.001+09:00

I just thought I should mention that I am giving up my beloved mouse after eight years of use. Nowadays, its hard to find electronic gadgets that [1] can last you that long and [2] don't get out-dated.

I traded it in for a very similar one but I didn't realize the scroll button was going to be bright blue lit. I decided to trade it in after I started using the mouse assigned at work. It seemed to have a better feel and sensitivity. I wonder how long I'll get to keep it.

Oh yeah, and I get married in a week.

Randomness is good!

2007-11-07T19:01:00.000+09:00

As much as I'm looking forward to being married, there is something frustrating about couple-dom. I wrote about it in the last blog - and I'm writing about it again. Last time it was about Ice Creamery, and bless her heart, H has invited us for dessert there next week with lots of time in advance to plan for it.

Today, its about karaoke. Now, I'm not really a big fan of the K-box. It's really not my thang but, I do enjoy it once in a while ever since inculcating the appreciation of the fellowship in Japan. D, who invited me/us has mentioned about plans for it albeit a few failed attempts but it looks like it will happen today because tomorrow is a public holiday. *Insert happy dance here.*

But, I may yet have to turn this fun, random and impromptu invitation down precisely because it was not planned for. Last week we couldn't make bible study because we had a late night at the wedding rehearsal and just had no more juice. Yesterday we had another late night so A may have no more juice again to stay up late although I am half tempted to persevere in building relationships with new people.

That said, when I think about "building relationships with new people" and then consider how those relationships I talked about in the last post that I so consciously spent investing in may not have much to show, I begin to wonder if it is really worth investing in. And to add to that, my opinion of relationships in Singapore is that most of them really try but then they are so closed and they fail in depth so is it really worth wiping out for new relationships? Of course, for the old ones, I would do it in a heartbeat.

That is of course, if it were just me and I was 23 all over again. Life was so wonderfully random then.

The Questions that I'm asking 3 weeks to the wedding

2007-11-04T02:37:00.000+09:00

The lack of blog entries has to do with maintaining some semblance of privacy as my life becomes shared with those I teach, it has to do with busy-ness which is a terrible excuse and has quite little to do with how much I am reflecting.

Well, here we are, if this entry was a part of regular intervals, the next time I write I would become Mrs. Low.

I initially started blogging in 1995 - I can't remember why. It eventually tapered to a purposeless natural death even through moving countries. Then it resurrected before I left Sydney to Japan because I thought it was time for those 'in-between' years where the most life change occurs, to be put down for posterity.

I've been wondering how fast things change; how Andy and I got to the place where we are now about to be married; how I got to the place where lifestyle choices I made are but memories in this new place I live in; how I always remember those habits so freshly that I want to do them again but one year into moving here I still haven't. And, in all honesty, if I haven't made decisions to do them so far, I probably won't fine the opportunity to do them pretty soon. And if this keeps happening those memories will fade so fast.... It seems Sydney was like 2 or 3 lifetimes ago.

I was also thinking about friendships and relationships. I've always been a goal oriented person. Sometime ago, I realized how goal oriented it was and how it didn't always help in building relationships which was a more associative thing to do. So, I decided I would pursue associative endeavors, invest in building deeper relationships. I'd say I've been doing this for at least 5 years now. I got to the place where I realized pursuits of tangible goals left little tangible reward at the end of the day and I was convinced the place to invest time (and money) was into relationships which were intangible and made intangible differences.

I'm beginning to think if this is an incorrect assumption because, I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Of the friendships and relationships I've taken the time to build, only 2-3 of them will be represented to witness our wedding. In an invite list of 350+, my friends number 50 and even less of those will be present. And only a few of those that are represent the friendships and relationships I've intentionally put in effort to develop and deepen. I'm not sure what it the conclusion I should now assume.

I believe that there are three general categories of friends. The acquaintances of which you meet to bless or be blessed that come and go. The immediate friends of which you have a symbiotic relationship of need and those on the long-haul who have been there forever and ever. All of them require similar investment into.

Another way to categorize friends are the upflow and downflow of need and blessing. A category of friends whom you go to especially when you're in need and those whom you make yourself available to bless when they are in need. We need both. Over the years, my upflow friends have moved on in their chapters of life. Moved from needing one another to perhaps just needing their other halves. Moved from giving to you to giving to additions in their family. So that you find yourself in this middle place, now with a certain responsibility to be helping others the same way they once helped you.

I wonder what will change the other side of marriage - will I join the up-flow friends who 'moved on' into another phase of life? Do I have to leave behind some down-flow friends and let them be challenged to grow on their own the same way I've had to? Do I consider the friendships as symbiotic or take them with me beyond marriage into long-haul? Will the relationships I have invested in really carry through the other side of the 24th of November? Or should it be my prerogative to build this incredibly new and significant relationship I gain? Will the other side of courtship give us the opportunity to exercise the lifestyle choices we once made? Will we finally get some peace from planning the wedding and building our new home? Or, when that finally happens, will we find our current memories a distant past just like Sydney and Japan?

Spending Pt. II

2007-10-12T07:26:00.000+09:00

When I wrote yesterday that I was making unnecessary purchases, I was not referring to the Palm TX I bought two weekends ago - that was one decision that took a year for me to make. I wrote about using it in a city like Singapore some months or so. I never did buy it then because it required more think-time. Big dollar purchases are not major issues - you take the time to think about the purchase and if it is necessary to spend that kind of money.

What I was referring to were the smaller incidental purchases which at the point of purchase didn't seem such a bad idea because "it is only a couple of dollars. It's not going to blow a hole in my wallet."

That is the kind of thinking I was referring to. That, is only the surfacial problem of such spending. When you spend a few bucks here and there, it adds up by years end. Secondly, when we think, "its only a couple of dollars", we don't spare a thought for those whom those couple of dollar could really matter... not just the poor and the needy in village projects but those also in our society. This unwarranted incidental spending is of course different when that money could be used easily and productively to be building relationships. Any cost to building relationships is an investment. It's those purchases that you don't really need and by that I mean, really, you don't need. You won't die without it.

The other thing that crossed my mind was how I could spend more wisely - perhaps in lieu of such spending (and that not of my own but of my Father's even!) I thought it would be an exercise in discipline if for unwarranted purchase I make, I make a similar warranted purchase on gfa.org for someone who could really use that money or its value. So every time I want to go buy myself some thing for $30, maybe I'll go online and buy a cow, or an elementary education or some medicine for that same value - for someone who really needs it. Maybe that will help me spend wisely.

Of course, then I realized another problem. It becomes all to easy to just give money away... "offerings and sacrifices are not what you want. The way to please you is to feel deep sorrow in our hearts. This is the kind of sacrifice you won't refuse" Ps. 51:16.

No breakfast, no coffee

2007-10-11T07:36:00.000+09:00

No breakfast at home.

No coffee in school.

No fuel until 745am.

That's another 1 hour or so plus.

I try to keep calm.

I've also been thinking about my spending these days.

In the last year, my spending has been gradually increasing in value and quantity on purchases I'm not sure is absolutely necessary. And something I am not proud of. This is something I must keep in check. I shall siphon all my money into my secret Swiss account where the investment rate is incredible.

The Last Miss Chilibuddy

2007-10-09T11:30:00.000+09:00

As Euge pointed out, yesterday was the last time I would celebrate my birthday as Miss Chilibuddy. At least I had a big german pork knuckle and a good stein of Oktoberfest bier at Paulaner Brauhaus to celebrate it. My birthday, that is.

And scarily enough, in six weeks time I will be a wife and I will have a husband. Still a bizarre phenomenon to me.

SIX WEEKS!

I can break you.

2007-09-22T09:12:00.001+09:00

Okay, I am surviving. Got a little bit more organized but truth is, the work load hasn't hit. I'm not quite sure how or when it will... I suppose after the exam fervor has died down and everyone starts doing the stuff that they were supposed to do.

The other highlight of the week is that I completed trashed my tennis racket. I had the amazing ability to break it, on the head, while playing tennis, hitting the ball. Everyone on court heard it go. I suppose that might be what it sounds like if you bone breaks into two.

I was sore about it. I really liked that racket. It went for $400 when I got it 7 years ago but I only paid $80 (at cost price!) so you can imagine what sort of racket it was. Went straight to get a replacement yesterday for $230. Went from an ultralite Prince to a Wilson N-gage Savage for women. Oh well. I think its a pretty good racket too though.

Work measured - but who knows how?

2007-09-14T18:41:00.001+09:00

Usually, I don't have that much time to blog during the work week - I'm blogging today not because its friday and the weekend is here. In fact, it doesn't feel like it should be a friday evening because I left work today thinking, "OMG, the load just got bigger."

Like a horse on a race-track, I have been trying my hardest to keep my blinders on so I can just keep on my race. My race that is the one I decide I will pursue, the end-point results I will get and the speed at which I get there. So, I kinda knew this was coming for me sometime... but that sometime is always sooner than we want.

Not that I haven't been on course with most of the responsibilities at work, perhaps my problem is that I have been? The point is, this week revealed the extent of responsibilities I had to assume.

I use the word assume carefully because that is exactly what I am doing. I am not 'assuming' a title and its responsibilities. The System, is making me assume what I think I have to do. And that System is some metamorphosed expression of 'fear'. Well, it certainly ain't one of love and that is definitely what it is not.

You see there is this Work Review form, all nine pages long in its empty glory. It's made up of templates of forms and tables for which I am to fill up. Lets start with the first major one, "Job Description". No brainer right? I am a subject teacher and a co-form teacher. My responsibility is to draw up lessons, deliver the lessons, measure and ensure learning, provide a metre of discipline etc etc.

"No! You're supposed to write down every single meticuluous piece of work that you do. Including the taking of attendance." The what?! You're supposed to because its official document that you are doing your work.

Okay, so they need to know I'm doing my work - so what work is it that I am supposed to do? Where is this job description and role responsibility that I am supposed to follow? No where to be found... I am supposed to make it out myself.

The best part about this, is that there are no models to follow. There is a verbal explanation of categories, but no one is supposed to show what their's looks like. I cannot take a copy/model so that I may know what it is and how it is I am supposed to do.

So, I am to fill up a review form that measures my grading as a teacher. But I have no models from which to follow and no idea of how they will grade me against a job description/role responsibility rubric. So, I have no real idea how I am doing.

Nobody's really told me what I am supposed to do. Just to "do it". So who knows if I have to do it or not? But see, the System won't tell you because if you don't know that you don't have to do it, then they can give it to you to do.

So now I have a hazy impression of how I am supposed to complete this form and with it, a hazy impression of my job description. This hazy idea of a job description that encompassess everything I don't know that I don't have to do means that I have to do everything. And that is an overwhelming task.

Days like these really stretch my patience in this country and its system.

Days like these I have to really wonder how it is I am going to cope, how it is I am going to find time to build a loving marriage, how it is I will find time to build a ministry, how it is I will find time to grow in the direction of missions, how it is I will find time to build deeper and stronger relationships with others who need people.

How.

This is OKAY

2007-09-04T15:44:00.000+09:00

As I write this, there is a stack of grade 9 comprehensions waiting to be marked. But that is okay, because this week is OKAY.

And I am okay. Because this week is term break. Hallelujah! It's nice to have term break. As much as I relish every second of it, it wasn't like my last term break... where it was a seven day hiatus from ghetto school. So, school must be okay.

Heck, I'm doing better than okay. I think I'm actually enjoying what I have got to do now. Yes, the hours are incredibly long, but the kids are incredibly rewarding - at least two-thirds of them. :-)

I've decided to spend two days being productive - and procrastinating on marking - and the next three days of the work week, not working! (At least I hope so!)

The last ten weeks of school have been crazy, its another 3-4 more before the exams and then the countdown to my wedding begins. We've finally finished our Curious Incident of the Dog at Night Time and our poetry module and I'm am enjoying teaching Midsummers Night Dream. I think the kids like it too!

Best of all, last friday I got a note from one of my literature students... the note confessed his love for Literature and to show what he'd learnt over the poetry module, he proceeded to write an ode to Literature. I'll put it up later when I see it at home. I wanted my kids to love literature, but with the whole 'holistic child' learning mandate, I've kinda put it on my backburner for awhile. I guess when you love something enough, it shows enough for others to want that enthusiasm too.

COUNTDOWN TO WIPEOUT

2007-08-17T01:46:00.000+09:00

2 weeks ago I started sniffing a bit. When that happens I know that my body is working too hard. This week I started taking the cab to school cause my resilience started giving way and also because I started needed to 'find' pockets of time to do my work ever since my afternoons were spent examining O'level oral candidates.

Week 8. Yesterday I spiraled to wipeout. Exhausted, I ploughed on through 11 candidates, made my facial appointment where I was mostly dazed and had dinner with Andy. I knew by then I was not going to make it to work the next day so attempted to swing by school at 8pm to see if I could pick up work to do at home. Nada, the guards had locked it all up.

Came home, popped a clarinase and jumped into bed at 930pm - which is when I've been sleeping for the last week to avoid major sleep debt. But I tossed and turned despite being so tired and stuffy. So, I'm up now trying to shake of this insomnia...

I'm surprised I've lasted this long without succumbing earlier - totally God's grace - but having succumbed now makes me think that I've pushed myself too hard again. Aside from starting work and wedding planning on the side I have been trying to keep busyness on the low profile. Teaching consumes me, the work is much, the hours can be long but I do find myself naturally inclined to think of what is best for my wards constantly. It is good work to do. And half my kids show very worthwhile returns.

This is a poem one of the 15-year old students in my literature class came up with after a lesson on personification:

Listen To The Sea
The night dreams of a brand new start
The moon guides me to the Ocean’s heart.
The sky remembers the day,
That the stars danced my sorrows away.
The sea listens to my cries,
And the stone looks at me in surprise.
Dawn brings the brand new day
As morning shows me a new way.
- S. L.

They really seem to enjoy literature class as much as I've enjoyed teaching them. We've rapped poems to hip hop beats for rhythm work, recited and created poetry. I even had one kid come up to me with his fist thumping his heart saying, "Emo, man. Emo." as if to show their engagement with the material. I have been surprised that took to creating poetry so keenly.

What worries me is that this is just the beginning. How long can I keep up such "well-loved" lessons? I have been given grace and haven't yet taken up all the full responsibilities so I worry for when that happens, how I will balance personal life and how I can include ministry life which is just not happening at the moment.

Tomorrow, I stay in my jammies and mark scripts to turn in for this terms report. At least they are mostly scripts worth reading.

TEN

2007-08-10T10:08:00.000+09:00

I'm surprised I got tagged but hey...

Each player of this game starts off with TEN weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own TEN weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose SIX people to be tagged and list their names. NO TAG BACKS.

1. Despite failing poorly in my 2nd language, I did a short student exchange in Beijing while in highschool. And I still failed poorly.

2. In elementary school, my mother had my sister and I involved in child modeling - my sister relished the camera, I hated every moment of it. The poofy skirts, the make-up, the patent shoes, the long boring hours... urgh.

3. When I was four, I asked if I could have drum lessons. My mother said no. My second choice was for a stringed instrument - violin, also no. So I had to settle for piano. I didn't make it past grade one and I still think if I had the chance, I would be an okay drummer.

4. I like to write with 3B lead in my pencil cause its real dark.

5. After studying the bible for oh-so-many-years, I cannot recite verses to reference numbers except something about God loving the world and giving his only Son. I am much better at remembering biblical concepts and precepts.

6. I have two places of utmost importance in a house - the bathroom because showers make such a world of difference to me. I shower every time I come home even if I showered just before leaving the house, drove down to get dinner and back up again. The other place is my bed.

7. I need at least 7 hours of sleep to be human, 8 to be nice and 9 to be bubbly.

8. I like green drinks - avocado juice, wheatgrass juice - I don't think its a weird colour to drink at all but I hate orange-coloured food or drinks with a vengeance.

9. But, I hate green beans. I also hate red beans and that thing called 'tau suan'.

10. I thought for so long to write 10 wierd things about myself, I realize I am not really that wierd after all, just perhaps misunderstood most of the time :-)

THE LONG WEEKEND CLEARING WORK

2007-08-10T10:00:00.000+09:00

It's so good to have a long weekend after working for about 2 months. 2 months feels like a long time when you are a teacher so a 4 day weekend is just bliss. But I was too busy to see that it was coming and plan for a getaway.

Instead, I'm using the time to clear out some marking and plan the examination papers before I have to spend the next two chaotic weeks shuttling between campus and O'level oral examinations. I want to use the weekend to spend quality time with Andy since I've been so busy at work and then come home pooped. Yet, I feel that I should put in a bit of work for each day before I spend the rest of it playing -or I just have all this work to do!

A few days ago, while planning the wedding in a little finer detail I also realized that term break is coming up in about three weeks! Whoopdeedo! I plan to use that time to sort out more wedding preparation stuff and put it out of the way.

If there's anything I'm thinking, its that this vocation is such a busy one... and if working in Singapore is generally is hectic and that I'm really trying to figure out how to keep my priorities .

GREEN LIGHTS AHEAD

2007-07-31T15:18:00.000+09:00

I saw a colleague on his blogger and it reminded me to update mine. Since the last time I wrote, Andy and I signed to buy our first home. As most first homes, it is far from where we want to be but it is affordable. In fact, nothing makes me more proud about the house than the fact that we are taking such a minimal loan, almost unheard of in Singapore.

You see, we will own our apartment in less than three years. To own any property in Singapore is a hard-sought affair. But thanks to Andy’s hard work and patience… we will be debt-free and mission-ready by the time my tenure at this school is over. Hallelujah!

We are a 5 -10 minute stroll to romantic walks after dinner at the park and reservoir and 15 minutes to the expressway into the city. The previous owners did a great job of upkeep so we have minimal renovations to do. And I do love the layout with full-length living windows looking out to tree-top levels.

We got it at a good price really…. And it will be ours right after the wedding. Speaking of which, I got my leave approved and its all green lights for Andy to go ahead to book our honeymoon to a surprise destination!

Bingo! Lecture Bingo!

2007-07-20T22:56:00.000+09:00

One of the things I want to see this blog grow into is a journal and sharing space as a teacher of things that have worked for me. The education industry calls it all sorts of names, most familiarily, "Teaching/Learning Strategies".

Now, a really good thing about the school that I teach in, is that it is experimental and very willing to allow teacher-level action research in trying 'new' teaching strategies in the classroom. 'New' because for some in this little island, they may never have had the privilege or opportunity to try them. But they may not be all that new globally. In that respect, the things I have learnt on campus in the last year have been of some good to me.

Week 4 and I have been able to try at least one strategy a week, if not across levels, in all the classes I teach. To be honest, I'm still not sure how much 'teaching' I've done that has been 'learnt'. I think I have been doing a lot of learning-based activities, but I can't be guaranteed how much learning went in.

I mean to say in this post that Lecture Bingo was one of my successes this week. Unlike most of the other lessons (activity-based), I had to teach my class of middle-of-the-road 9th-graders a variety of persuasive devices for use in expository texts. I couldn't trust them to review the notes on their own like I did for a high-ability class, so I had to present it to them.

This was going to prove difficult because they are a chatty and not-highly-motivated lot. The incentive, I had hoped, is that this term's teaching and learning assessments will be equally distributed through a comprehension test (BO-ring!), a written expository piece (BOR-ing!) and through intra & inter-class debates across the level (A-HA!) So, it would be good for them to be familiar with oratory skills.

So off we go, I prepared my slides, then I prepared a vareity of grid sheets with different permutations of keyword placements, all carefully deviced so that only ONE sheet would get four-in-a-row. I can't believe how into it the kids got! Their attention was on the screen and at least reading as I spoke, crossing out the keywords that I highlighted to them during the course of the lesson. You could hear how eager they were, "I only need one more! and I've got three chances! Shhhush! Let's go on!"

I'm still on sure if or how they internalized learning but it works to keep their attention on the presentation!

ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER

2007-07-12T20:03:00.000+09:00

As I sat in the auditorium this morning, waiting for the roll t o call my name so I could walk up to get my scroll, I deliberated a little longer on a brief thought that crossed my mind.

"Oh my goodness, I have yet another piece of paper". I found myself gloating on how much I had achieved and with what ease it had come to me. I looked through the roll call and realized that a few names in my class were spread through the different types of recognition given and then I caught myself thinking, "it came so easy, I should've put in more effort so I might be higher up the honour list". I thought about all I had achieved in the last year, if the effort was worth it and what I did with the rest of my life in the past year (but only so briefly).

I'm not sure that I have very much to show for the remaining energies that I had spent last year. I have a few friends more - at least made one new friend a month so I think I am not so stagnant - but I don't have tangible results. I cannot say how I have been a positive influence on those lives that i have had an opportunity to cross with.

And then I heaved a sigh because I once again caught myself thinking in such worldly terms. In one of those brief moments, I actually thought I ought to pursue an even higher degree. I was considering what I have done in comparison with others as opposed to recognizing and reminding myself why I did it in the first place.

There was an article in the papers a few days ago, reporting how even in the first world countries, many people were over-qualified. How can I be overqualified if my peers and superiors keep talking about this incessant paper chase? I guess, if this comfortable society is all that I will live for then perhaps I may still reserve potential for even further qualifications.

I felt in Japan, Thailand, Myanmar, Indonesia, that I had little to offer them from my years of studies and what I could and what was most useful had little to do with what I had spent years pursuing. Even now, teaching, when I encounter a recalcitrant child, I still find myself at a loss for the words to tell about the things that really matter, about the values that are most important to us in life and about loving and hurting others. I know these, but I lack the words for them and sometimes, even the actions to accompany them. I remember having breakfast in Living Waters Mission and looking out to see the men mixing cement so that they could get to work to building new houses for the children and thinking to myself, "even if I had the strength, nothing I know would enable me to mix cement". I can get myself a Masters in Curriculum Planning but that would make little difference to what I could offer if I went now with what I knew and simply offered them my willingness.

I don't need higher qualifications, I really need to know people better, how I can get to a place to understand their worldview. I was sharing with a friend over lunch how I have learnt so much, I can go into the classroom with facts and knowledge - some of them the kids already know and then my role is simply to direct their energies - but have little to teach.

WEEK 3

2007-07-11T22:27:00.000+09:00

It's already week 3 of the school term and an update is due on how school has been good and the youth that I work with are teachable. Some are real privilege to be teaching.

Today however, I came down really hard and stern on my seventh-graders (13-year olds). I kept half of them out of class for half the english period (while I was going through boring admin stuff) for not bringing their English folders to class. I didn't want to do that yet but after three weeks, I thought it would be a good idea to follow through on my expectations. So, I had to go through with the discipline.

We did tableax in class and I got them to rejoin the rest of their classmates. The kids got a little rowdy with one particular boy who kept constantly yabbering at the back. He already had got into a spat with his group members on who should be the group leader and so I was short on my leash with him and told him to leave the room. At which point, at least five to six other students showed their enthusiasm for his punishment - I've figured they don't like him much - so I sent one of the gang leaders out with him. We went on with class and I dismissed them both sternly after I let the class out.

Now I regret doing that since I was unable to really address the issue - one kid was disrespectful of my class and the other disrespectful of his classmate. I got an apology from both of them but I can't help but think all they learnt from that was not to be talking in class and not to be caught jeering others, which is totally missing the point that jeering is not a loving way to treat others.

I shall have to talk to them about it on friday, but if there's one thing I've realized, is that I have problems talking out things to young people. I may be okay at teaching them tangible knowledge stuff but don't know how to put across ideas and social-emotional thoughts to them. "You shouldn't do it because it is wrong and unloving" doesn't seem to be all there is to getting the message across.

I also have a boisterous 9th-grade class. They are by far angels compared to Ghetto school but I am challenged in getting them to do work. They are low in motivation and high in apathy and ennui, slow to do work, late to submit. The class can be chatty amongst themselves on their own topics (boys or soccer) and lack some appropriate respect and classroom behavior (not talking while instructions are given). This is to the point that one boy, has begun to shout loudly at the top of his voice "SHUT UP CLASS!!!!" in order to get the class to quieten down so I can talk. While this is useful, it does nothing for my classroom authority. Mental note to speak to him after school on monday.

There's another boy who has exhibited good behavior but regularly comes to me to ask for silly requests like if he can be allowed to have candy in class and if the group can change names. These are things I don't really mind or care about as long as the students are on task, however it could also spiral out into a problem. After persistent questions from him today, I said, "No, I said no. Go away." I even did the hand-motion to go with it. I wish I hadn't been so abrupt with him especially since this was the second time.

All that said, the kids I have are really a joy. They are a bundle but a bundle of joy. I have got it good this semester. I think I appreciate them more after what I saw at Ghetto, but apparently, if you saw my behavior toward them, you might not think the same way.

ARGH.

EMBRACING THE TEACHING PROFESSION

2007-06-15T11:12:00.000+09:00

Well, here we are, the last weekend - for the next three years at least - that will not be at the mercy of teaching proper.

The last couple of mornings this week have been spent perusing for materials online that I hope to add to my teaching resources. Anything to relieve the stress I expect to face in the near future. My efforts so far have been bleak. Oh well. I'll start on lesson plans later.

It dawned on me as I was reading a teacher's blog on teaching Hyperbole in class, that I will be a teacher soon. In the fullest sense of the word, that it will soon be a label that I wear as a second-skin. There will be no "student-" attached as a prefix to the label, as in student-teacher. Just, Teacher. I don't think I have quite comprehensively embraced that I identity yet. Worn like clothing but not quite skin. Not for long though.

I look back at my posts related to teaching - I don't really say much about teaching, just some about the kids and people I meet. And there is a reason for that - because I am not just a teacher, there is more to be than that job. But perhaps I wonder if it is time for me to identify myself the profession and the responsibilities and stories that come with the turf. It won't be the only piece of clothing to become my skin, it will probably morph with the other identities I have become like christian worker, tentmaker.

And just as I take great pride in reflecting on the work I used to do in Japan as a christian worker, church-planter, so I think I should similarly take pride in the work I do as a teacher and not try to shrug it off so "I won't be identified with (stereotypical) teachers".

My gripe with the teaching community here? Teachers as a community seem to be a whiny lot, both to the insiders and to the outsiders. There is never a dearth of complaints to be heard, we are always hearing how they are overworked, underpaid and under-recognized. All true. :-)

But I also hail from the scientific community. And if the real reason be known, I was completely put-off that scientist are over-worked and pressured in an industry where there is similarly little recognition and reward for the toilsome labours of the little people. It is not unheard of for them to return to their lonesome laboratries at three in the morning to continue with their experiments which have to show results yesterday so that they can make journal publishing before the next other competitive lab across beats them to it. You could easily spend a year or two in research and then have nothing to show for your hardwork if somebody make public their findings before you. I decided then I could not bring myself to sweat over something I may never have anything to show for. And mind you, if you have nothing to show for it, you have no funding, no moolah.

I don't think teachers are in a worse position than this. It's really not that bad if we stopped comparing ourselves. My only anxiousness is that the demands will consume my time away from the things I want as important; friends, relationships, God and Kingdom-building.

So here we are, at a new threshold. Hi World, I am a middle-school Language Arts Teacher in Singapore. :-) I teach 12-13 year olds, English and to the 15-16 year olds, Literature.

LIVING WITH PARENTS

2007-06-15T10:54:00.000+09:00

I feel seven years old all over again. Caz seems elated that her mom flew down to be with her. Mom has been on leave the last few days of the week. Its good. The first day I went shopping in town with her - I didn't really intend to go spend money but felt compelled that I should shop since she really want to paint the town red. So I got stuff for work; shoes, dress and a blouse. After that, I really couldn't bear any more shopping so I got Andy to pick me up. Mom got Dad to come by after work to continue. Heh.

Yesterday she spent all of daylight in the East, hanging and shopping with her mates and today she is home gardening.

I walked down ten minutes ago to clock a few miles while the sky was grey and the sun was not going to bake me and she said, "you are not going running. It's raining!" (It's drizzling. Perfect running weather!) So here I sulk at not being allowed to go running. No, I'm not really that upset - I can see her point fully - I don't want to be charred by lightning and miss tonight Planetshakers' concert that Euge scalped tickets for! I'm more bemused that this is how things are.

It must be because for a long long time, I haven't lived with my parents - and definitely not with having my mom not being at work. I don't think that has happened for almost ten years. And I've been back a year now, it hasn't been painful to live with my parents againt to say the least. It's a nice break from having to make mental note of when to pay what bills and be fully responsible for the upkeep and cleaning of the house. But, hopefully, I'll get my own place soon by the end of the year or the start of next year. It will be nice to have my own kitchen and to cook lots of japanese and korean cuisines and to know exactly how my pantry will be organized!

A WARNING FOR PRODUCTIVE SINGLES - Pt.1

2007-06-06T07:46:00.001+09:00

** Read at risk, you may not want to become a couple after reading if you are a highly driven productive single. **

It just occured to me why couples seem so busy.

As I stepped out of the loo, too early in the morning, I was half-thinking in my sleep that coupling should be a productive affair. You have two persons doing a solo act. One job, two persons, half the time right? But in reality it wasn't. In the last year, I always seem to find that time flies by whenever I'm with my boyfriend. That's probably largely attributed to that we really like each other and spending time with each other so we don't notice how and when it passes. But it also seems that even though we spend time together doing stuff, there seems to be more things we don't get done than get done.

Then the reality of the equation hit me.

Singles are really the more productive of the two types of the persons. As a single, you are one person with twenty-four hours to do one person's job. You hook up with someone nice and then you spend a significant amount of time with that person. Say you are not irresponsible and waste away that time completely by looking into each others' eyes, so you two do stuff together. (If you don't that then it simply gets exponentially harder to get stuff done!). When 'two become one', you have one unit with twenty-four hours to get two persons' business done.

Technically, should be able to save time. If both persons need to do X in Y minutes (X = Y mins), and one person does X+X, then the equation should become 2X = Y. If its the same task that both people need to do, and one person does both it should save half the time.

However that equation doesn't always work. With that twenty-four hours, the one unit made up of two persons with only one unit's time has to do two persons' business. The One person of man and wife, has only the same amount of time to do two persons' business. So, when we hook up, we are really removing one productive person from the equation. And that explains why marrieds are so busy and yet don't neccessarily get the job done. Instead of my taking 15 minutes to wash my dinner's dirty dishes (say 2 pcs), the one unit will take 25 minutes to wash dinner's dirty dishes, now 4 pieces, only one can be washing and if the other part of the unit is nice, they will be talking/listening.

Of course, the one unit can behave like two persons and both do two different jobs at the same time, but then what would be the point of coupling if you did diffferent things, at different times and at different places and not to be together?

Stories & Spirituality

2007-06-03T13:59:00.000+09:00

Of course, of course. We go to the church, we listen to a man on the podium that tells us from this story there are five bullet points on how to 'live a christian life'. We say that the five little stones that David threw mean five things like faith, trust, love, etc., etc.

God never said anything like that. He just gave us a bunch of stories in the OT about His pursuit of man and then there is the the NT which is Jesus' expression on that in human form. So, why do we need to break down 'Christianity' into bullet points?

If your life was a story, was is the chief conflict? Who is would be the protagonist in your life story? What shape or form would the plot direction take? Would it be a tragedy? A comedy? Would there be a twist? an anti-climax? Or, if it were a movie, would it be a blockbuster? a Hollywood spin-off just like every other movie and every other person? An reflective art-house? How would it change or elucidate to viewers things about our christian life like love and god and stuff? Would it be a classic that would get told down the line because of its impact?

Because what we learn from the good book is because all these take place in the stories we got handed down in the bible. We know of God through stories we are told, so how about knowing and telling about God now through our stories we can share?

Don Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, Searching For God Knows What, Through Painted Deserts and To Own A Dragon, speaks here at Imago Dei of his insights into these things while editing and working through McKee's stuff (of the movie Adaptation).

Stories by Don Miller.