I WANT TO

wear my heart on the sleeve of my shirt.
I want to follow it, then give it away.

A shrimp I once knew, challenged me recently to do something really brave. A few days ago, I put up a blog entry which lasted all of thirty minutes before I chickened out and left it on my private diaries instead. I had this to say about it - "I put this up on my public blog today and then I decide to take it down. I really don’t know why." While this entry may have nothing to do with Nippon, the truth is, it has everything to do with how I got here and why I am going. So, I've decided to bare a bit of my soul here, cause I've got a little hope in my pocket and I want to share it with you. Just be careful you don't drop it but don't worry if you do.

HOW CAN SOMEONE SO GREAT A BLESSING BE SO BIG A PAIN?
I don't mean "pain" as in "you're a pain in my behind". I mean the pain that pierces right through and breaks your heart in utter dissapointment. Yet a blessing so great that your live changes around a pivot because of it.

I was thinking about it this morning. Who has been the greatest influences in the way my life has been shaped? And I had to admit it was my past loves. I am who I am today because of what those experiences have done to me.

Without Aaron, I would probably not have left my place behind the microscopes and sterile laboratries. I might not have known how to take the beauty of literary culture out of highschool and make real today. I might never have taken to writing and I might never have taken the opportunity to just dive deep between hardcovers and feel so alive that way. We have a special bond because of the trials we've had to share and ghosts that will continue haunt us. One day, I'll dare to share that and God will use that pain to bless others. But that is for another day.

And as much has I would not want to admit the other is Joshua. Yes, I'm sparing no names today. We're being honest here after all. He was a beam of light to bring me back to Christ. His is a path that has since continued to draw me toward Christ through the joy of knowing him and the way I've matured through the pains of betrayal and hurt. He was put in my life, at the right time and the right place, when I needed to have someone there. I would almost have gladly said "yes, I do." But he was taken away from me, when God thought it was appropriate.

If I had to count the hurt that I had to endure, would I do it all over again? Like the Shrimp said, Have their influences been blessings if I had to factor in the pain? Do we know where the pain ends and the real blessing begins?

I don't know if I'm going to make a mistake, but I am going to attempt to reconcile this terribly estranged relationship one day soon. I knew the day would come when the challenge to restore broken relationships would be a real possibility for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Maybe the appropriate time is drawing near.

I guess, I knew from the start that I never wanted to be estranged from him and that I did want to have a decent friendship if not acquaintance with my previous partners. They’ve shared so much of your life with you and you've shared so much of your heart with them that I think it would be foolish not to treasure that bit of it, even if nothing else. The is why Eugene and Aaron will always be special to me. But, I guess, I took certain vindication in knowing that I had been wronged and that I had been terribly hurt. I wanted to resolve - but I had every right not to.

I think I can look at it with a certain amount of hindsight and maturity now. Forgiveness is different from trust, and knowing that helps me to put that broken relationship in place. I can forgive Joshua, but trust is something he has broken. And there is no reason to build it up to the same measure it used to be. I would not be honest and authentic if I didn’t admit that at any earlier point, my forgiving Joshua would have been a ‘point’ up for me to hold it against him. As if I were being the much gracious party and he should feel so ashamed of himself, realise his mistake and want to make ammends.

But truth is, that would have been impossible. I now know why - because trust was something that was lost in his dis-demeanour. And now I know, that it was better for us to have parted ways, at least I have grown in that respect for it. And now, I want even lesser than before to restablish a relationship with him. No doubt that he is something that I’ll always ‘cannot have’. But knowing that it would be something I do not want, putting that aside as a possibility forever, makes it easier for me to think about forgiving him and letting this go.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all. - In Memoriam (XXVII) by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Well, how did I go from there to here? For that fiasco, I had a stand-off with God for the longest time. We were not on talking terms at all. I was mad at him but knowing he was God, I resentfully dragged myself to his feet. I was praying, he was just silent, so I stopped. I was waiting, he wasn't budging, so I went my own way. I was growing increasingly exasperated, he was just waiting for me to be ready to be moulded, so I gave up. And, while I was pacing up and down, wearing the carpet out, his hammer was pounding to give my formlessness a frame and melt my dreams. And this peice of steel was just glowing fire and fury as I was twisted like a vine. After the anvil comes the cooling and I was as cool as ice. So, the winter of my discontent ended, the hurt subdued somehow and the season turned to spring. And now you see my shape before you, this sharpened point. And the question, it still remains, what am I to be? What is my purpose now? With Japan at my feet, his task before me may seem unclear, but I know my dreams and hopes he holds so dear.

By the way, those seminars I've been working on? I delivered the seminar that I had been working on, early this morning. Something I feel quite passionately about, cultural construction through communication, this time it was about "Post-Colonial Cultural Construction in Language and Literature: Hybrid-authorship & Expression". I got through it much easier than I had expected. Thank God!

Audio: Train rumblings. I've been spending some time on the tracks, trigger-happy.
Biblio: Dude, where's my country? by Michael Moore.
Cerebrio: The countdown begins to my secondment to Japan.