WHAT'S EATING THE CHILIBUDDY? Parte the Seconde.
Everything is a see-saw. I'm sometimes crazy happy and I really am and then sometimes I'm just in the shits and almost ready to tear. We had a time to share prayer requests in church yesterday and lots of people wanted us to pray for the summer mission trips that people were doing and for the long-term moves that people were making from university. My stomach felt like lead, my throat felt a desert and the floodgates were filling up the dam. I was almost relieved when the line shortened to share requests. And then I saw Lirps walk up. And she did what I was afraid she would do. So, I got put on the prayer list as well for going away to Japan. But this is why I love her for it and that's why she's so special to me.
- A summer to match London's -
The weather hasn't been helpful either. The days I'm free, its stay-in, wet and damp weather. The day we expect nice sunny skies, I have to work over the weekend again. I really, really want a break from work. Yet if I didn't work, I'd be so (- I said "damn" in my head again -) bored. Why can't I just learn to be content?
Working over the weekend, I had sometime to think about it in the mornings when it was quiet. I didn't get a whole lot of free-time, so that train of thought is still flirty. I'm fantasizing things in my head that arn't there cause I want them to be there. But doing that is just indicative of how unreliant I am on God, how little faith I have that he will give me all that I need, about the friends I will have who will love me, about the life he will guide me to live and the ways he will let me know. I had the faint murmuring in my heart that my life hasn't looked like that of a mature christian person of late.
I don't know what it looks like; I don't know if anyone looks at me and see God's testimony, or if they just see this crazy girl flailing her hands around. I'm a dissapointed that I still try to be "cool', something I thought I had gotten over already. Once in a while, I catch my selfish pride show up. The rest of the time, I'm too self-centred to notice.
- Hanging out at UBER lounge bar -
This weekend. Big. There was one social moment where my earthen worldly self, thought it would be appropriate to buy myself some social currency in pointing out family relations to particular institutes and establishments. I tried to gain status by bartering with the secular world - with christian friends. I don't disdain the pleasures of God's created world. I enjoy a good cocktail, a vintage of red wine, the aroma of a cigars and tobacco and I am passionate about food. It's the over-indulgent, no-holds-barred experiential culture of pleasure and then the encouragement, inducement and pride of it that I wish I could do away with. Its hard to maintain a balance.
I'm really quite at a loss about the whole thing even though I have the experience of God moulding me into a mature christian. I hope I'm doing what God wants me to do, but I'm afraid, that "hope" is just that with no action to follow.
"I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, the fact that I think I am following God's will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please Him does in fact please Him." - Thomas Merton
- A summer to match London's -
The weather hasn't been helpful either. The days I'm free, its stay-in, wet and damp weather. The day we expect nice sunny skies, I have to work over the weekend again. I really, really want a break from work. Yet if I didn't work, I'd be so (- I said "damn" in my head again -) bored. Why can't I just learn to be content?
Working over the weekend, I had sometime to think about it in the mornings when it was quiet. I didn't get a whole lot of free-time, so that train of thought is still flirty. I'm fantasizing things in my head that arn't there cause I want them to be there. But doing that is just indicative of how unreliant I am on God, how little faith I have that he will give me all that I need, about the friends I will have who will love me, about the life he will guide me to live and the ways he will let me know. I had the faint murmuring in my heart that my life hasn't looked like that of a mature christian person of late.
I don't know what it looks like; I don't know if anyone looks at me and see God's testimony, or if they just see this crazy girl flailing her hands around. I'm a dissapointed that I still try to be "cool', something I thought I had gotten over already. Once in a while, I catch my selfish pride show up. The rest of the time, I'm too self-centred to notice.
- Hanging out at UBER lounge bar -
This weekend. Big. There was one social moment where my earthen worldly self, thought it would be appropriate to buy myself some social currency in pointing out family relations to particular institutes and establishments. I tried to gain status by bartering with the secular world - with christian friends. I don't disdain the pleasures of God's created world. I enjoy a good cocktail, a vintage of red wine, the aroma of a cigars and tobacco and I am passionate about food. It's the over-indulgent, no-holds-barred experiential culture of pleasure and then the encouragement, inducement and pride of it that I wish I could do away with. Its hard to maintain a balance.
I'm really quite at a loss about the whole thing even though I have the experience of God moulding me into a mature christian. I hope I'm doing what God wants me to do, but I'm afraid, that "hope" is just that with no action to follow.
"I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, the fact that I think I am following God's will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please Him does in fact please Him." - Thomas Merton
posted by The Chilibuddy @ 10:28 am ::
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