NOW.

After a good sleep, some fresh air and roof space to think, I feel better. After being frustrated at so many things and being unable to deal with them in an appropriate manner I realised what should have been and needed to be done, I know that I had probably let the opportunity slipped. But, now there’s little I can do to about that missed opportunity to convey my care and concern. I’m now too far into and too near leaving to be able to warrant investing in heartfelt bonding (unless my lovely friends forgive me). Now, their concern is solely for my welfare at leaving. Really lovely them. Rather unfortunate and I’m so sorry for it that I’ve let myself become so caught up in going away to neglect my part in christian fellowship. But, if I have to move beyond that and learn one lesson, it is a lesson I’ve already learnt but keep forgetting. That there will always be some event at hand that will demand my attention and keep me away from being selfless toward others and selfish for my own good. If only I could learn this lesson and keep it! I wish I knew this and could have instead said that even while I was going away, I continued to be concerned for the welfare of others and thoughtful of them; a true friend.

Another lesson. In the year past God has been teaching me not to hedge my future on anything else but him. I think at this moment, I know that lesson well enough. I’m not being prideful and conceited, I know better now to hope for a future outcome that I leave it in God’s big hands. Like, where I might end up after Japan, will I continue to teach, will I move back into academic pursuits, will I move countries again? The answers to these questions, I don't know and even though it scares me, I know God will show me the way in the right time. A little harder to exercise faith but just as important, is in hoping for a future partner that God can provide even though I may be moving around.

But the lesson I have to learn now, and the key word is NOW, is to let my past go. I’ve let some of my past go. Pasts that are better forgiven and forgotten, better for me that they do not haunt the same way they used to even though I am still sorry it happened but not sorry that I’ve learnt my lessons from it. But good Pasts that I do not want to let go, the past that I continue to live in rather than accepting the present that God intends for, is the lesson at hand instead. I hedged my future around Joshua once and it was neccessary that that was taken away from me to learn that I should instead hedge my future always in God instead. Now, I have to learn that I need to let go of this so God can take me into the future, that ultimately, there is nothing secure, not future, not past, but being and living as presently as is humanly possible for me as God’s child. That is, being true to the person he meant me to be at the point of time, focusing not on the future that I should not worry because it is in God’s hands, focussing not on the past which God has blessed me with and yet refuse to give up, but focussing on how I can be a christian person now, how my present circumstances are tools with which to show God’s love, to not take friends for granted as my pillar of support in the future ahead of me. Yes. That is the lesson have to learn. Now.