HE'S GONE. NOW I'M THE LONELIER FOR IT
Eugene's come and gone. It was great having him over for the weekend. His company is just what the doctor ordered. It was a good enough excuse to play the local tourist again. It was always good to talk and bounce ideas of each other to gain more perspective. Was so good that he would be the first to stay over at my new apartment. I'm so glad God arranged it to work out so nicely. But he's gone back and now I'm the lonelier for it.
Anyway one of the things that I got started on thinking was how I should change about the way I think about the things here: how exactly different is what I am doing now, any different to what I was and had been doing in Sydney? In terms of work that is? How is what I am doing now that much more different and why am I finding it so difficult?
My mentality about it, is what it is. Because I am going nowhere and I cannot see the end of it. Because, somewhere in my subconscious, I fear that this is it. This is all that my life will amount to. A mindless but not altogether unpleasant (sometimes) job, in an exclusive niche (which is a nice way of saying: isolated) somewhere in an exotic but not altogether glamourous country with more money than I know what to do with it. I fear that this is literally what my life will amount to: the pay out. And in a way, I still live like I’m on a student budget, putting away the money so I don’t see it, lest I am tempted to let it become the master of me. And so, “I don’t care about this money I can earn here cause its not worth it.” Cause, I don’t realise the actual value of being able to save a month what Eugene is able to earn a month.
That is not such a bad thing. I am wanting nothing that my life depends on. If I could change the way I approached my situation, no matter how painfully difficult it may be - maybe I’ll be able to keep going the same way I kept going in Kathmandu, North Sydney and Worldvision.
Yet, I fear I will too quickly fall into a rut and lose my edge on things, let life get the better of me, suck me into the routine of the vicious work-purchase-debt-work cycle. And what is so bad about that? It frightens me because its a daily grind that is going no where except around the stone mill. Because, I am an incredibly goal driven person, constanly in search of something to accomplish. Hense, constantly moving and shifting. And the last six months here, I haven’t found a goal or figured out a purpose that I can achieve, add to or accomplish and see results.
I was supposed to get started on the novel - I am supposed to do a lot of things but what stops me from trying is a mixture of apathy and the fear of failure. If I attempted something, only to fail, then I would have wasted my time and effort, And as a lazy person, I would rather not have to exert that time and apath. But I guess one of the secrets of living is that things only come to those who try. And 90% of a success is hardwork, 10% is inspiration - which I think is not the thing that is lacking. Point is, I should keep trying, trying for something, trying to make something out of my life.
After some correspondence, my honours supervisors think I ought to set up my new goal in the next few months is to try to get into graduate school. This will be hard work enough; essays to write, GREs to study and take, fundings to look for, etc. etc. It’s not something that will automatically come onto my lap and I will have to overcome my activating energy to get this done. It's something that scares me because I'm putting one of my dreams on the line... But I have to chase it even if its just a rainbow.
Audio:Silence.
Biblio: Kansai Scene
Cerebrio: Now he's gone back and I need something else to keep my mind off it. I thought I'd indulge in the big screens but trying to navigate my way in the movie listings and then trying to find a screening in English and then finding the theatre is really hard work.
Anyway one of the things that I got started on thinking was how I should change about the way I think about the things here: how exactly different is what I am doing now, any different to what I was and had been doing in Sydney? In terms of work that is? How is what I am doing now that much more different and why am I finding it so difficult?
My mentality about it, is what it is. Because I am going nowhere and I cannot see the end of it. Because, somewhere in my subconscious, I fear that this is it. This is all that my life will amount to. A mindless but not altogether unpleasant (sometimes) job, in an exclusive niche (which is a nice way of saying: isolated) somewhere in an exotic but not altogether glamourous country with more money than I know what to do with it. I fear that this is literally what my life will amount to: the pay out. And in a way, I still live like I’m on a student budget, putting away the money so I don’t see it, lest I am tempted to let it become the master of me. And so, “I don’t care about this money I can earn here cause its not worth it.” Cause, I don’t realise the actual value of being able to save a month what Eugene is able to earn a month.
That is not such a bad thing. I am wanting nothing that my life depends on. If I could change the way I approached my situation, no matter how painfully difficult it may be - maybe I’ll be able to keep going the same way I kept going in Kathmandu, North Sydney and Worldvision.
Yet, I fear I will too quickly fall into a rut and lose my edge on things, let life get the better of me, suck me into the routine of the vicious work-purchase-debt-work cycle. And what is so bad about that? It frightens me because its a daily grind that is going no where except around the stone mill. Because, I am an incredibly goal driven person, constanly in search of something to accomplish. Hense, constantly moving and shifting. And the last six months here, I haven’t found a goal or figured out a purpose that I can achieve, add to or accomplish and see results.
I was supposed to get started on the novel - I am supposed to do a lot of things but what stops me from trying is a mixture of apathy and the fear of failure. If I attempted something, only to fail, then I would have wasted my time and effort, And as a lazy person, I would rather not have to exert that time and apath. But I guess one of the secrets of living is that things only come to those who try. And 90% of a success is hardwork, 10% is inspiration - which I think is not the thing that is lacking. Point is, I should keep trying, trying for something, trying to make something out of my life.
After some correspondence, my honours supervisors think I ought to set up my new goal in the next few months is to try to get into graduate school. This will be hard work enough; essays to write, GREs to study and take, fundings to look for, etc. etc. It’s not something that will automatically come onto my lap and I will have to overcome my activating energy to get this done. It's something that scares me because I'm putting one of my dreams on the line... But I have to chase it even if its just a rainbow.
Audio:Silence.
Biblio: Kansai Scene
Cerebrio: Now he's gone back and I need something else to keep my mind off it. I thought I'd indulge in the big screens but trying to navigate my way in the movie listings and then trying to find a screening in English and then finding the theatre is really hard work.
posted by The Chilibuddy @ 12:28 am ::
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