I'M BACK. IT BITES
It's been a great 10 days back in Sydney. I'm too scared to say that it might ever be my last that I go back there as the person I am now. (I'm not ever sure that sentence has proper sense or structure but that would be an exact reflection of my mental health.) I'll go back there again, yes. But not the same chapter and maybe not even the same book in my life anymore.
But I want to go back. I'm a childish brat, spoilt silly and now I don't want to grow up. Growing up is hard to do. I did a lot of talking (in English) this week to Apes about both of us growing up and dealing with it. It ain't fun at all. Why on earth didn't I become an adult at sixteen when I knew all there was to know about the world?
Other horrible truths... major disapointment around church that shake my world too; involves mates, good friends, their partners, some trading of their ex's and now husbands and wives. Our conversation topics are so horribly real and grown up, so complex that we pare it down to simple english. No more intellectual idiolect.
The chances of me going back as the person I want to go back as: 15%. That is a completely arbitary calculation according to what I think is the potential of a scholarship coming through. I could fund my own education but that would be a real drag to my non-existent finances. And as it turns out, anything short of a PhD would do me no good for immigration purposes. So heres to the rest of my life...
I know, I should just wise up and get with the program. But its bloody hard! However, should that 10% possibility come through, I'm still looking down the barrel of a different gun from now onwards. A different set of rules altogether. A different set of people. A different set of social structures. Possibly even a different state even. So, what life is showing me is that I'll never get back to before (doh!). Things have changed. My friends are still my lovely friends and we all love each other so dearly but as much as we hate it, we're all being pulled away from our comfort zones.
So, it was good that I went back. It was a reality check. Of sorts. I finally told the Ape the big secret. I hope it goes down well. I'm still afraid that what the Ape and I have will not make it the length. Man, I didn't even get to meet Plummer, who was so intricately involved in my college development years! or Pidgeon my spiritual mentor! Who is to say... Okay, I already know it, I already know it will happen. Godamnit Chilibuddy, snap out of it and don't play nostalgic! But I can't help it. I can't close my eyes, pretend and deny the natural state of affairs of life. Well, I can and I want to but I shouldn't.
Well, the Ape and I are truly scared about the curveballs coming at us. I'm sure this goes as well for the rest of our friends. I'm glad I found a support network at church. Life is just a bit mad. Can't help it that it makes us all go a bit batty.
CurlySu on the other hand is taking ages to make a decision. It eats me up that she can have exactly the thing I want but cannot make the decision herself. Its quite possible I've never been this envious of my sister before... There's only a 5% chance of me whereas she can have it if she wants it. (Notice the percentage numbers are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling...)
The morning of my flight back here, I felt physically ill at the thought of it that I could not hold down my breakfast. And I felt ill some more when I landed. Since I came in at night, I've managed to escape looking on to Japan and have been hiding in my apartment so that I will not have to face up to Japan. On the flight back on a lousy JAL craft, I caught Along Came Polly. B-grade movie except for the saving grace of Aniston. Anyway somewhere in the movie someone said something about life never going the way you want it too, all the dissapoints you can expect to face and all that. And since you already know that, you might as well enjoy it. Okay, that didn't come out right at all.... the point is, enjoy the ride anyway.
I try. Why can't i just see it as another 6 months in Japan? 6 months isn't long at all! I know if for a fact. Here, I imagine that one day, when I'm deluded in another comfortable rut, I'll say ever so nonchalently, "Yeah, I spent a year in Japan..." My last five years just flew by in the bat of an eyelid. The exhileration, the joy, the pain, the crushed hopes, all of it gone so fast. What is 6 months? I tell you what it is, its not a chronological timeframe of a physical presense in foriegn country. It's a paralysing fear - and just thinking about it makes my throat choke - of the unknown. When I think about and if I pretend that I can look forward to becoming a junior academe once more next year, my head goes, "you better enjoy your next six months". But when I snap myself out of that dream, my brain goes into freezeframe. Of all the things I've had and could choose from (or not as it were). It's knowing where you are going to be at 25, then getting there and not knowing what the plan is for the next 25 to come. Or the next 20, or 10 or 5 or even next year.
My thoughts are still convoluted and I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss "so, how was Sydney?" with the people here. "How is Sydney?" is more than just Sydney, its about my life you see, its about the wildest desires of my heart, its about my very treasured hopes, the ones I hold and grip on to so tightly yet with such fatalistic resignation that I don't know where I've let go and where God takes control.
God help me, man.
Audio: Electrolite by R.E.M.
Biblio: Tales from a Broad by Fran Lebowitz.
Cerebrio: My minds a bowl of mixed nuts.
But I want to go back. I'm a childish brat, spoilt silly and now I don't want to grow up. Growing up is hard to do. I did a lot of talking (in English) this week to Apes about both of us growing up and dealing with it. It ain't fun at all. Why on earth didn't I become an adult at sixteen when I knew all there was to know about the world?
Other horrible truths... major disapointment around church that shake my world too; involves mates, good friends, their partners, some trading of their ex's and now husbands and wives. Our conversation topics are so horribly real and grown up, so complex that we pare it down to simple english. No more intellectual idiolect.
The chances of me going back as the person I want to go back as: 15%. That is a completely arbitary calculation according to what I think is the potential of a scholarship coming through. I could fund my own education but that would be a real drag to my non-existent finances. And as it turns out, anything short of a PhD would do me no good for immigration purposes. So heres to the rest of my life...
I know, I should just wise up and get with the program. But its bloody hard! However, should that 10% possibility come through, I'm still looking down the barrel of a different gun from now onwards. A different set of rules altogether. A different set of people. A different set of social structures. Possibly even a different state even. So, what life is showing me is that I'll never get back to before (doh!). Things have changed. My friends are still my lovely friends and we all love each other so dearly but as much as we hate it, we're all being pulled away from our comfort zones.
So, it was good that I went back. It was a reality check. Of sorts. I finally told the Ape the big secret. I hope it goes down well. I'm still afraid that what the Ape and I have will not make it the length. Man, I didn't even get to meet Plummer, who was so intricately involved in my college development years! or Pidgeon my spiritual mentor! Who is to say... Okay, I already know it, I already know it will happen. Godamnit Chilibuddy, snap out of it and don't play nostalgic! But I can't help it. I can't close my eyes, pretend and deny the natural state of affairs of life. Well, I can and I want to but I shouldn't.
Well, the Ape and I are truly scared about the curveballs coming at us. I'm sure this goes as well for the rest of our friends. I'm glad I found a support network at church. Life is just a bit mad. Can't help it that it makes us all go a bit batty.
CurlySu on the other hand is taking ages to make a decision. It eats me up that she can have exactly the thing I want but cannot make the decision herself. Its quite possible I've never been this envious of my sister before... There's only a 5% chance of me whereas she can have it if she wants it. (Notice the percentage numbers are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling...)
The morning of my flight back here, I felt physically ill at the thought of it that I could not hold down my breakfast. And I felt ill some more when I landed. Since I came in at night, I've managed to escape looking on to Japan and have been hiding in my apartment so that I will not have to face up to Japan. On the flight back on a lousy JAL craft, I caught Along Came Polly. B-grade movie except for the saving grace of Aniston. Anyway somewhere in the movie someone said something about life never going the way you want it too, all the dissapoints you can expect to face and all that. And since you already know that, you might as well enjoy it. Okay, that didn't come out right at all.... the point is, enjoy the ride anyway.
I try. Why can't i just see it as another 6 months in Japan? 6 months isn't long at all! I know if for a fact. Here, I imagine that one day, when I'm deluded in another comfortable rut, I'll say ever so nonchalently, "Yeah, I spent a year in Japan..." My last five years just flew by in the bat of an eyelid. The exhileration, the joy, the pain, the crushed hopes, all of it gone so fast. What is 6 months? I tell you what it is, its not a chronological timeframe of a physical presense in foriegn country. It's a paralysing fear - and just thinking about it makes my throat choke - of the unknown. When I think about and if I pretend that I can look forward to becoming a junior academe once more next year, my head goes, "you better enjoy your next six months". But when I snap myself out of that dream, my brain goes into freezeframe. Of all the things I've had and could choose from (or not as it were). It's knowing where you are going to be at 25, then getting there and not knowing what the plan is for the next 25 to come. Or the next 20, or 10 or 5 or even next year.
My thoughts are still convoluted and I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss "so, how was Sydney?" with the people here. "How is Sydney?" is more than just Sydney, its about my life you see, its about the wildest desires of my heart, its about my very treasured hopes, the ones I hold and grip on to so tightly yet with such fatalistic resignation that I don't know where I've let go and where God takes control.
God help me, man.
Audio: Electrolite by R.E.M.
Biblio: Tales from a Broad by Fran Lebowitz.
Cerebrio: My minds a bowl of mixed nuts.
posted by The Chilibuddy @ 1:16 pm ::
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