PEACEMAKER / PEACEKEEPER

Since the last post, life has been pretty huge, lots of highs and lows and then some more, although nothing about the weather is different. It is still indecisive about what it wants to do with itself. It has wanted to be warmer but winter's still got a pretty strong hold of itself. But let me not talk about the weather again. We are just so over it already.

We also, had, a first in our household; a tiff. They say life after a fight, people get tighter if it doesn't tear them apart. I certainly hope so. I really hate blow outs between flatmates, and am especially afraid of getting into bad terms after living with M. When I was living in Queen Street with M, we went from good friends to not talking to each other all in a year and we never once had to raise our voices at each other. I got to thrash this one out with L because, now we've actually worked it out. Not sweep it under the carpet.

What really surprised me was how much hurt I realized I didn't face up to that was just longing to get out. It asked for a fight without actually having to say so itself and surprised me, even as I said it. The long and short of it was that I had been taking on an indifference because I couldn't not take certain casual remarks impersonally - even though I know it wasn't meant to hurt and not necessarily directed at me - because L is so much my family here and how much more personal things got in the family. And that indifference was just a bit to maddening.

I had talked with Lirps about it before and Lirps who works/learns about conflict resolution put it down to a Peacemaker and a Peacekeeper personality. The first rises up to the challenge of making peace in conflict situations, the latter, keeps the peace and doesn't like conflict situation. I belong to the latter which isn't always a good thing since I prefer to maintain a status quo.

Anyway, I'm glad it was forced it out on a rather stunned me, like a deer caught in headlights, but it needed to be done. I don't know when I learnt that people don't like conflict and sought out my preferred way of resolution. Now its like I know again, confronting it doesn't have to end up in tears. Well, that said, I did burst into tears - another surprise to me, on how emotional I have been becoming.

The truth is though, I had been in two minds about it. On one hand I wanted to deal with it. On the other, I was never really sure what sort of outcome it would lead to, whether we would fall out completely and then it would be a very terse situation on the home front for the next three months. The question was, Was it our friendship important enough for it to be dealt with? The heart of my problem is; what sort of friend do I allow for those around me to be?

Man, it's dangerous wearing your heart on your sleeve. It's always vulnerable to be hurt. Now I'm glad we dealt with it and we can build up from there. Because it feels so much better not to take on indifference and wear my heart on my sleeve once again, follow it and take things to heart as they come. But man, does my heart feel like its taken on a beating. It still feels pretty raw.

Audio: How Great Is Our Lord by Chris Tomlin.
Biblio: -/-
Cerebrio: Would I let my guard down and make myself vulnerable to my friends?