FRUSTRATION MEETS FAITH
Lately, I've been thinking some about the future. I want to say this has nothing to do with the upcoming events cause what I am thinking of seems so much farther than that and the immediate things that are about to happen, I don't know if they will path the way there. I suppose, that is the root of my frustrations. You see, I have a vague idea of where I want to go, where I want to eventually end up but how I am going to do that is ever elusive. Was, is and always will be. Such is the reality we all exist in. I am aware of course, that it is this very ignorance of how that sends me back to seek God's help. There is this point we all want to get to, there are the few hows we know we are to abide in; so you want to be influential in a department, we know you may not kill your boss to get there. We know we are to honour God in whatever it is we are doing, to seek his ways always and trust in the path he has charted for us, but what we don't know if that path will lead us to where we, I, want to get to. "God, I don't know how. I don't know HOW I will ever get to (insert desire), please show me the way."
But, I caught myself one day saying something like this, "God, I don't know how. I don't know how I will ever get to (insert desire), help me trust in your timing, the motions of your will and give me patience to see how things pan out instead of instituting my ways to get there." I always wondered about how people grew in faith and why, how and when I would ever not want my way instead.
I've still been thinking about our worldly nature and our default settings in putting ourselves first and foremost. I see the dark shadow of this problem in dealing with so many personalities at school. How would it be if we could find a way to use that default setting and switch it immediately?
I've found it almost impossible not to put myself first. I think that is the intrinsic flaw in being birthed to the fallen world. I'm not saying God cannot change that worldly nature... its how it might be executed when he does. God does let the bad things happen, the beauty of His system is redemption or retro-demption; taking those bad things in the past and turning them for good into the future. Would it be possible to isolate the very instant of a selfish-thought, acknowledge it and then turn that around? If this is what I want, wouldn't someone else like it to? How could I satisfy the desires of somebody else instead of me?
I tried this out at school as a social experiment with the whole class - including myself. Now that I have been somewhat fred from the binds of teaching solely, I have more time to focus on the character of the kids. If I could locate the moment of a selfish-thought-event, I would try to take the opportunity to put the brakes on that moment and see if we could think through how to put other's first. How could we make our friends happy(ier) in this instance? And by golly, it is difficult to think about someone else, even as a second thought. Even when I did run through the chain of thought in the events in my life, knowingly and wanting to give to another, I found it hard to release my desire and hold over it.
Even when I want to follow the path God has charted out for me, wanting to please him, I struggle constantly in wanting it to turn out my way. It comes down to being my own God and secretly hoping that my plans will be able to over-ride his. I don't think we will ever reach a point so selfless to our every desire. There is no formula to become completely selfless. I may get it sorted for an event or two, but I think this will be a constant struggle that needs working out with God in each instance. Oh God, this you have to change!
Audio: -/-
Biblio: Just finished reading Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller.
Cerebrio: I'm finally writing this cause I haven't had a whole day free in so long. I think my body finally decided to revolt and go under the weather. So today, I finally have the opportunity to cocoon and be all hermit all day. It would be much nicer to do this without being ill and I'm praying this house arrest will give me all the juice I need to get better.
But, I caught myself one day saying something like this, "God, I don't know how. I don't know how I will ever get to (insert desire), help me trust in your timing, the motions of your will and give me patience to see how things pan out instead of instituting my ways to get there." I always wondered about how people grew in faith and why, how and when I would ever not want my way instead.
I've still been thinking about our worldly nature and our default settings in putting ourselves first and foremost. I see the dark shadow of this problem in dealing with so many personalities at school. How would it be if we could find a way to use that default setting and switch it immediately?
I've found it almost impossible not to put myself first. I think that is the intrinsic flaw in being birthed to the fallen world. I'm not saying God cannot change that worldly nature... its how it might be executed when he does. God does let the bad things happen, the beauty of His system is redemption or retro-demption; taking those bad things in the past and turning them for good into the future. Would it be possible to isolate the very instant of a selfish-thought, acknowledge it and then turn that around? If this is what I want, wouldn't someone else like it to? How could I satisfy the desires of somebody else instead of me?
I tried this out at school as a social experiment with the whole class - including myself. Now that I have been somewhat fred from the binds of teaching solely, I have more time to focus on the character of the kids. If I could locate the moment of a selfish-thought-event, I would try to take the opportunity to put the brakes on that moment and see if we could think through how to put other's first. How could we make our friends happy(ier) in this instance? And by golly, it is difficult to think about someone else, even as a second thought. Even when I did run through the chain of thought in the events in my life, knowingly and wanting to give to another, I found it hard to release my desire and hold over it.
Even when I want to follow the path God has charted out for me, wanting to please him, I struggle constantly in wanting it to turn out my way. It comes down to being my own God and secretly hoping that my plans will be able to over-ride his. I don't think we will ever reach a point so selfless to our every desire. There is no formula to become completely selfless. I may get it sorted for an event or two, but I think this will be a constant struggle that needs working out with God in each instance. Oh God, this you have to change!
Audio: -/-
Biblio: Just finished reading Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller.
Cerebrio: I'm finally writing this cause I haven't had a whole day free in so long. I think my body finally decided to revolt and go under the weather. So today, I finally have the opportunity to cocoon and be all hermit all day. It would be much nicer to do this without being ill and I'm praying this house arrest will give me all the juice I need to get better.
posted by The Chilibuddy @ 1:11 pm ::
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home