THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
I have now been out of Japan for two months and in Singapore for just a little less. I was talking to a friend and he said, "that would explain what you are feeling..."
To be completely honest, I have been feeling unsatisfied, discontented and generally frustrated at myself for feeling this way. I think I've adjusted and settled into something that most resembles a lifestyle routine here as can be found with my current modular program. But I still come away with a nagging sense of 'there's got to be more'. And all the avenues I've tried looking through here have only left me even more unsatisfied and frustrated.
I know this desire for more completeness, more fulfillment, more, more, more points to the fact that I wasn't made for a life on earth. Earth will never fill up the desires that God has put into us humans - so that we can't wait to get to Heaven.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Some would say, Death really is a gift. Till then.
Meanwhile, being discontented is a vicious cycle I've already caught myself at; nothing will satisfy and everything feels like its going wrong or that you're losing it. And then the fear of that loss starts to grip you and very soon what you had you will lose cause you're so transfixed on the fear itself. But when you're contented, you want to share what you've got and keep getting more for it. Oh, the deep irony of it.
I was explaining to said friend who made the above comment that half the reason why i've spent so long overseas is because of the challenges it allows me to take and those challenges give me the illusion of filling upward this desire for more. Eventually I realized that and that's when I decided that moving to Singapore was as much a challenge as it was an option. What did I get myself into.
When I think about it, everything i have had, I have and will have has been nothing short of a miracle. So this ought to be inexplicable and uncalled for. I don't know where I'm going to look for the next fill, what I'm going to do to get away from this. It's ridiculously manic and it's not worth the agony.
Audio: The new MercyMe album Coming Up To Breathe.
Biblio: The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: More, more, more.
To be completely honest, I have been feeling unsatisfied, discontented and generally frustrated at myself for feeling this way. I think I've adjusted and settled into something that most resembles a lifestyle routine here as can be found with my current modular program. But I still come away with a nagging sense of 'there's got to be more'. And all the avenues I've tried looking through here have only left me even more unsatisfied and frustrated.
I know this desire for more completeness, more fulfillment, more, more, more points to the fact that I wasn't made for a life on earth. Earth will never fill up the desires that God has put into us humans - so that we can't wait to get to Heaven.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Some would say, Death really is a gift. Till then.
Meanwhile, being discontented is a vicious cycle I've already caught myself at; nothing will satisfy and everything feels like its going wrong or that you're losing it. And then the fear of that loss starts to grip you and very soon what you had you will lose cause you're so transfixed on the fear itself. But when you're contented, you want to share what you've got and keep getting more for it. Oh, the deep irony of it.
I was explaining to said friend who made the above comment that half the reason why i've spent so long overseas is because of the challenges it allows me to take and those challenges give me the illusion of filling upward this desire for more. Eventually I realized that and that's when I decided that moving to Singapore was as much a challenge as it was an option. What did I get myself into.
When I think about it, everything i have had, I have and will have has been nothing short of a miracle. So this ought to be inexplicable and uncalled for. I don't know where I'm going to look for the next fill, what I'm going to do to get away from this. It's ridiculously manic and it's not worth the agony.
Audio: The new MercyMe album Coming Up To Breathe.
Biblio: The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: More, more, more.
posted by The Chilibuddy @ 4:31 pm ::
1 Comments:
yeah the great divorce! what did you get out of it this time? you sound like you are writing ecclesiasties for a bit there...i think life is a gift, but we blew it, BUT then He rewrote the story so that (1). we would not be stuck in life as we know it forever and (2).He promises to maximize every moment of it that we give to Him for a learning and growing opportunity to prepare us to better enjoy and experience the future (here and there)
that being said, i am SO not home yet either, but that is the hope we have, that we will be someday...we have the passports already, just not the tickets...those that have no hope are displaced without a home to go to, ever...
have you read the bit in mere christianity about the upward pull / displacement thing recently? do it.
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