Restlessness and Voids

The truth is, I know what I should do, but I don't really know what I should do with myself. For awhile now, its been feeling kind of stagnant. It's like now that I'm here, what's next? Like I've run out of options or reasons to be where I am. It's a kinda limbo. Kinda, but not in the same coming-of-age way.

I realize today, that I've also come to live for a couple of things and come to lack in a few others. Ever since I feel this kind of, "what else do I do now" sensation, there is lack of impetus, incentive to turn to God. I live by an exhilarating faith. I believe you have to ask for the impossible and then expect the miraculous. But here - like I've mention so, so long ago when I came back for summer holidays in college - everything can be got from man or money. So what am I really depending on God for? I now know why it is blessed for the poor.

What I mean, is that I want to live in the moment of the impossible and without it, life just seems so colorless... I don't mean to sound like he's some kinda Santa - but what am I asking God for? I'm not stretching my faith for what it is worth.

I also am coming to understand a new dynamics of friends and family. Namely, when your friends start having families. It used to be my whinge, 'when singles start dating', 'when your friends get married', then life changed and left you wherever it is you were while everyone moved along. I had to agree with this since, it was where I had hoped to go and so felt left behind then.

But when friends start having families, I don't necessarily feel like I want to have one too. Bless their hearts, they do want us along for the ride and join in but I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to want or if I want it in the first place. I don't like to feel swayed to a decision. If I want one, its because I want one for good reason, not because everyone else has one. So, as things go along, I begin to wonder how they move along and the necessity for them to create a space for the beginning of the family.

This is all to say, I don't really know where I am right now, or if I have a darn good reason for being here. I was in such a foul mood today when I realized the things I had been looking forward to were removed from the equation.

I started the term ready to throw in my all because we were culminating in a working trip to the UK. Dream destination. Then, by the second or third day, so easily, it was off the radar. Then it turned out that I had a few of my coveted weeknights and weekends (this one particularly) taken up by work and because of that, rain-checked a weekend trip away. And later to find that the rain-check was not even possible so that was a no-go. It is good to have something to look forward to, but having set somethings in place and then having them taken away had made me realize that aside from that, I am quite pointlessly living day-to-day.

I also, without doubt or question, will admit that I have been quite obsessed with GTD and IT recently. Initially I thought it was because I had a lot to do and required my processes streamlined. But I realized that I have plateaued, I get as much as I can done and the rest of it is a waste of processes I don't need. I have been filling the void with it.

So what then do I do with my restlessness and how will I fill my void? So, what do I do with myself? I realize I need a bigger cause to spend my life and energy - aside from friends or work. I think I have one - its been the one I have imagined all this while, but sometimes it does feel like I'm not getting anywhere closer to my goal.