Thoughts on Death.

Be always ready therefore and so live that death will never take you unprepared... perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship for the love of Christ, these will give a man a great expectation of a happy death.

Do not put off care for your soul till later, for men will forget you more quickly than you think. Try to live now in such a manner that at the moment of death, you may be glad rather than fearful. Learn to due to the world now that then you may begin to live with Christ. Gather for yourself the riches of immortality while you have time. Think of nothing but your salvation. Keep yourself a stranger here on earth, a pilgrim whom its affairs do not concern at all.

At 21, I was ready to die. Now that I am closing 30, why is it harder for me to let it go? I remember then that I had accomplished all that I wanted to and as a landmark, I wanted to dye my hair red and jump off a plane for my 21st. Then, I had nothing left to lose. I loved and lived like I had loved, it would have been a happy death.

Now, it seems to get there I need to work a lot harder at other things - "perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship"- is that the answer to living a purpose-filled life?

This is a very important question for me now. I realize some might mistake it for turning the big 30. But that number is completely arbitary to me. I don't feel my life has come to such a different place because of that number. In fact, its because my life hasn't come to such a place that I am wondering if I am ready to move on to my next life stage which seems to require more patience, more endurance, putting aside youthful pleasures and irreverence for authority. It's true - I hate to see myself turning into a 'proper' grown-up but I can't be foresee how I am going to manage to stay myself, keep my dreams and hopes and move on at the same time. Somethings got to give.

This morning on the drive to work, I wondered - what is stopping me. Is it because I'm afraid of what's to come? Maybe a little - but difficulty and pain have never been such hindering factors as to challenge me to step it up.

I saw the trip to UK as the fulcrum. Some people don't want to give up careers, give up spending power. I came here for a reason and that is starting to wane. Meanwhile, I'm not sure I'm ready to put my dream down - the dream to travel, to live in other cultures. As it is, its so dark I can't see the route that we would take to living cross-culturally in another place. I know. It's possible, I just don't know how. Yet.