On Zeal in Amending our Lives

Be watchful and diligent in God's service and often think of why you left the world and came here. Was it not that you might live for God and become a spiritual man?

When a man reaches a point where he seeks no solace from any creature, then he begins to relish God perfectly. Then also he will be content no matter what may happen to him. He will neither rejoice over great things nor grieve over small ones, but will place himself entirely and confidently in the hands of God.

It is an excellent reminder to remember why I decided to follow Jesus. I can recall the situation, I can recall the sights and smell and retrace the actual route I took physically as I came to that realization. But it is a good exercise to remind myself what it was I had hoped to leave behind in deciding to throw my lot in with Jesus. I chased the pleasures of the world, chased the approval of man and found nothing and then I felt someone telling me that nothing would suffice except a relationship with God.

Where am I now? why does my bosses approval of my work matter so much? Or my approval of her? Or that of my colleagues? I have found some brick walls when trying to bring faith into the scope of work involving departments, processes and institution - even in a Christian school. I am the Queen of my classroom so that is some consolation. I have found that some approval and affirmation from work, translates itself to money. And it is a useful tool (a very personal, tangible result) to temper one's perception of the work one does (if I keep doing this 'right' thing, I will continue to have such 'results') - but I have found that to be utterly illusionary. Then it can become a burden as well (I received good results, I did something well - so why am I having such difficulty now when I was apparently good at what I was doing?)

But this devotion serves as a reminder that the good result, doesn't come from my work - it comes from God's hand in it. And while man rewards us on earth, God's hand is moving in that too. So, I seriously need to work on pleasing my audience of one and not everyone.

And that's the end of The Imitation of Christ. It's back to the Good Book on monday!

On Judgement and the Punishment of Sin

On that day, the poor cottage will be more praised than the gilded palace; simple obedience will be exalted above all worldly cleverness; a good clean conscience will gladden the heart of man far more than the philosophy of the learned; and contempt for riches will be of more weight than every treasure on earth.

And you, miserable and wretched sinner, who fear even the countenance of an angry man, what answer will you make to the God who knows all your sins?
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How true, I fear the angry man against me and the disappointment of others of me - if only I was more aware of how my deeds might do the same to God.

Thoughts on Death.

Be always ready therefore and so live that death will never take you unprepared... perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship for the love of Christ, these will give a man a great expectation of a happy death.

Do not put off care for your soul till later, for men will forget you more quickly than you think. Try to live now in such a manner that at the moment of death, you may be glad rather than fearful. Learn to due to the world now that then you may begin to live with Christ. Gather for yourself the riches of immortality while you have time. Think of nothing but your salvation. Keep yourself a stranger here on earth, a pilgrim whom its affairs do not concern at all.

At 21, I was ready to die. Now that I am closing 30, why is it harder for me to let it go? I remember then that I had accomplished all that I wanted to and as a landmark, I wanted to dye my hair red and jump off a plane for my 21st. Then, I had nothing left to lose. I loved and lived like I had loved, it would have been a happy death.

Now, it seems to get there I need to work a lot harder at other things - "perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial and the endurance of every hardship"- is that the answer to living a purpose-filled life?

This is a very important question for me now. I realize some might mistake it for turning the big 30. But that number is completely arbitary to me. I don't feel my life has come to such a different place because of that number. In fact, its because my life hasn't come to such a place that I am wondering if I am ready to move on to my next life stage which seems to require more patience, more endurance, putting aside youthful pleasures and irreverence for authority. It's true - I hate to see myself turning into a 'proper' grown-up but I can't be foresee how I am going to manage to stay myself, keep my dreams and hopes and move on at the same time. Somethings got to give.

This morning on the drive to work, I wondered - what is stopping me. Is it because I'm afraid of what's to come? Maybe a little - but difficulty and pain have never been such hindering factors as to challenge me to step it up.

I saw the trip to UK as the fulcrum. Some people don't want to give up careers, give up spending power. I came here for a reason and that is starting to wane. Meanwhile, I'm not sure I'm ready to put my dream down - the dream to travel, to live in other cultures. As it is, its so dark I can't see the route that we would take to living cross-culturally in another place. I know. It's possible, I just don't know how. Yet.

Thoughts on the Misery of Man

Is there anyone who has everything as he wishes? No one in the world, be it pope or king, who does not suffer trial and anguish. Surely then it is better for the man who suffers something for God.

The saints of God and all devout friends of Christ did not look to what pleases the body nor to the the things that are popular from time to time. Their whole hope and aim centered on the everlasting good. Their whole desire pointed upward to the lasting and invisible realm, lest hte love of what is visible drag them down to lower things.

How great is the fraility of human nature... today you confess your sins and tomorrow you again commit the sins which you confessed. Humble ourselves therefore and never think anything great of ourselves. Through neglect we may quickly lose that which by Gods grace we have acquired only through long, hard labour.

Restlessness and Voids

The truth is, I know what I should do, but I don't really know what I should do with myself. For awhile now, its been feeling kind of stagnant. It's like now that I'm here, what's next? Like I've run out of options or reasons to be where I am. It's a kinda limbo. Kinda, but not in the same coming-of-age way.

I realize today, that I've also come to live for a couple of things and come to lack in a few others. Ever since I feel this kind of, "what else do I do now" sensation, there is lack of impetus, incentive to turn to God. I live by an exhilarating faith. I believe you have to ask for the impossible and then expect the miraculous. But here - like I've mention so, so long ago when I came back for summer holidays in college - everything can be got from man or money. So what am I really depending on God for? I now know why it is blessed for the poor.

What I mean, is that I want to live in the moment of the impossible and without it, life just seems so colorless... I don't mean to sound like he's some kinda Santa - but what am I asking God for? I'm not stretching my faith for what it is worth.

I also am coming to understand a new dynamics of friends and family. Namely, when your friends start having families. It used to be my whinge, 'when singles start dating', 'when your friends get married', then life changed and left you wherever it is you were while everyone moved along. I had to agree with this since, it was where I had hoped to go and so felt left behind then.

But when friends start having families, I don't necessarily feel like I want to have one too. Bless their hearts, they do want us along for the ride and join in but I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to want or if I want it in the first place. I don't like to feel swayed to a decision. If I want one, its because I want one for good reason, not because everyone else has one. So, as things go along, I begin to wonder how they move along and the necessity for them to create a space for the beginning of the family.

This is all to say, I don't really know where I am right now, or if I have a darn good reason for being here. I was in such a foul mood today when I realized the things I had been looking forward to were removed from the equation.

I started the term ready to throw in my all because we were culminating in a working trip to the UK. Dream destination. Then, by the second or third day, so easily, it was off the radar. Then it turned out that I had a few of my coveted weeknights and weekends (this one particularly) taken up by work and because of that, rain-checked a weekend trip away. And later to find that the rain-check was not even possible so that was a no-go. It is good to have something to look forward to, but having set somethings in place and then having them taken away had made me realize that aside from that, I am quite pointlessly living day-to-day.

I also, without doubt or question, will admit that I have been quite obsessed with GTD and IT recently. Initially I thought it was because I had a lot to do and required my processes streamlined. But I realized that I have plateaued, I get as much as I can done and the rest of it is a waste of processes I don't need. I have been filling the void with it.

So what then do I do with my restlessness and how will I fill my void? So, what do I do with myself? I realize I need a bigger cause to spend my life and energy - aside from friends or work. I think I have one - its been the one I have imagined all this while, but sometimes it does feel like I'm not getting anywhere closer to my goal.

On The Sorrow of Heart

A good man always finds enough over which to mourn and weep; whether he think of himself or of his neighbour...  the closer he examines himself, the more he grieves.

-Written on the fly-

On The Love of Solitude and Silence

Very many great saints avoided the company of men wherever possible and chose to serve God in retirement. "As often as I have been among men, I have returned less a man" said one writer.It is easier to be silent altogether than not to speak too much. To stay at home is easier than to be sufficiently on guard while away.

Never promise yourself security in this life, even though you seem to be a good religious, or a devout hermit. It happens very often that those whom men esteem highly are more seriously endangered by their own excessive confidence. Hence it is better not to be too free from temptation, but often to be tried lest they become too secure, too filled with pride, or even too eager to fall back upon external comforts.

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I agree entirely that, "To stay at home is easier than to be sufficiently on guard while away." However, I disagree that that should be the practice. It is too easy to do that - especially for an introvert - and I wouldn't be growing, stretching or putting my faith in God to carry me through those instances. But, solitude and reflection is definitely good practice. Something even an introvert like myself needs to do more of. Even then, with all the communication devices of the world, I find myself in the 'company' of men and distracted endlessly from 'holy meditation'.

On the Practices of a Good Religious

During Holy seasons, we ought to prepare ourselves carefully to live holier lives and to observe each rule more strictly as though we were soon tp receive from God the rewards of our labour.

Y'know, its sad and true that my devotion and prayer has waned from last semester. Perhaps because we have come to learn tp cope with A's work situation which, by God has become better. And, secondly, I have been consumed with trying to GTD with all the fluxes at work.

This is a good and timely reminder now that Easter and Good Friday are around the corner.

Thoughts from my mobile.

On The Example set to us by the Holy Fathers

They renounced all riches, dignities, honors, friends and associates. They desired nothing of the world. They scarcely allowed themselves the necessities of life, and the service of the body, even when necessary, was irksome to them. They were poor in earthly things but rich in grace and virtue. Outwardly destitute, inwardly they were full of grace and divine consolation. Strangers to the world, they were close and intimate friends of God. ...

They were given as an example for all religious, and their power to stimulate us to perfection ought to be greater than that of the lukewarm to tempt us to laxity.