REPOSE

I am a buffoon for just not knowing well enough when enough is enough for my body to take. Another lesson learnt here in Japan; that I try to do a lot on my own strength - literally. And I'm proven month after month that strength is something I don't have as much here. I'm not sure why but that's not the point of this entry. I just don't have as much strength as I used to have for powering through things as I used to. I think God's trying to teach me to rely on him physically too.

You can imagine, It frustrates my pride to think that my body can't manage a certain amount of exertion anymore. I used to be able to gym for hours trice a week, go hard on the tennis grass twice a week and hit the climbing walls or kickbox at least once a week. Once upon a time, I was as fit as a bull and hard to keep up. Not any more. Two services on sunday is already trying and I should've known better than to go so hard on painting the new church sanctuary. Perhaps it is being high-risk around children, perhaps its the running around after them that take out the energy from me anyway that leads to exhaustion. And everytime I get exhausted, my body's alarm signals are on high alert. Blurgh.

Audio:
Biblio: The Horse And His Boy by C. S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: It's a pride thang...

TWO TINS AND FIVE WALLS

Oh my god! I've been painting at the new church sanctuary all day, my shoulders are so sore from the up and down motion of the rollerbrushes. We puttied out the cracks and finished the basecoat this evening with egg-shell paint. It's the story of the two fish and five loaves; I wasn't sure if the paint I bought would be enough for the base coat but I think it will do just fine! I'm even aiming to put down the second coat by next weekend and do the window sills.

Audio: -
Biblio: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: I'm leaning toward doing Thailand with the church missions now. Jeff's putting in a lot of effort to help me do well there...

TWO ARE JUST AS GOOD

Am being tossed like a ship at sea. Mom's keen on the idea to go with church as a missionary. Dad, being all manly and practical wants me to put considerable thought and prayer to the position at Christian Care For Children with Disabilities.

Going as a missionary means being partially supported by the church which means I can do more with my resources. Working in CCD means, doing something much closer to my ambitions, completely at my expense but with the likelihood that it could turn into something more permanent in the future.

I like both options as much and both are just as good.

Audio: The Diary of anne Frank on video.
Biblio: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: It's going to be busy session - Laura and I just enrolled in our TEFL certification this evening. It's time to hit the books! Again!

SURPRISE!

God is a master with some high expectations. He's keeping me on my toes alright. My "plans" for China and various parts of Indochina have been mutating into a very exciting form.

I mailed Jeff last week to tell him my future plans post-Japan and to fill him up on how things were going with me generally. I completely forget his (and hence the Church, since he's the one that gives direction) burden and desire for Thailand. Y'see, the plan - to go to China for up to six weeks and then spend four to six months in Thailand - completely belittles how desperate I was for a plan. China turned up on the map when I was ready to leave Japan, six months ago. Hey, if I could handle Japan with no language skills, then surely I would be more useful in China.

But the word for Thailand came quite suddenly at the end of last year. And so far, of all the doors I've looked at and knocked on, China has been optimistic but the dates haven't been helpful, while those facing Thailand have been giving me the green light. And, on sunday, I got the very green light and a reassurance of desire meeting confirmation.

After sounding out my plans to Jeff, he told me, "the church would like to support you and send you there if you would like to be a missionary to Thailand." You can imagine, my eyes almost rolled across the tarmac.

You can tell from various parts of identity-releases that I consider myself a tentmaker here. But being a "missionary" was in my five to ten year plan. Not the next five months. So its all a little surprising to say the least. I will go to Thailand, I can assure that much, but deciding to be a missionary will need a lot more time and prayer than this off-handed entry. The second half of the year will be an experience to put the missions view into perspective. What would it be like to be a missionary for real?

So, there is a response to this after all. Suddenly life seems to be moving forward and moving fast. And there are so many possibilities in the air! Orphanages. Teaching (again.) in Bangkok. Teaching in Bible College across the Burmese border. Yes, lets just add rebel to resume. ;-) I've been in two minds about being financially supported by the church in a situation where I was prepared to front the funds anyway but I've been told that I'm not to shirk away from a blessings. Meanwhile, I don't want to put cart before the horse. I just want to thank God that my desire meets consistency.

Audio: Boys Don't Cry by The Cure.
Biblio: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: Quite beside myself at the swift mutation of plans.

MY HIRO

A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

The good news is that we have all the documents necessary and I should be a legal alien by tomorrow. I can hear echos of my own allusions to MIB from emails I sent a year ago upon arriving here. The bad news, is that I don't get to go to Seoul on the company expense. Bugger.

On saturday, we're going to have a swanky celebration dinner on occasion of Laura being accepted into Teacher's College and my having come to some concrete decisions about work and Japan and the acheivement of my being here for one year.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
- a time to be born and a time to die,
- a time to plant and a time to uproot,
- a time to kill and a time to heal,
- a time to tear down and a time to build,
- a time to weep and a time to laugh,
- a time to mourn and a time to dance,
- a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
- a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
- a time to search and a time to give up,
- a time to keep and a time to throw away,
- a time to tear and a time to mend,
- a time to be silent and a time to speak,
- a time to love and a time to hate,
- a time for war and a time for peace.

I still don't know what the future has in store for me. I don't even know what this season is even as I see the end of this chapter close. But, I have come to peace with God about it - or at least somewhat closer to a peace about it.

Audio: 1000 Fragen from Silbermond's Mach's Dir Selbst album.
Biblio: The Magician's Nephew from C.S. Lewis' Narnian Chronicles.
Cerebrio: It seems Time might be this years focus. But when is it never on my mind?

YOU WAKE UP AND TOMORROW IS TODAY

Laura's back in town already and its been good to have her back. Although "back" is not so much physical as is just presence since she is now on her third day of getting over jetlagged. That's her k.o.'ed on the couch since 7:30pm this evening. I predict she'll be up by 4 in the morning pottering about breakfast.

We are really happy. Today has been a day of decisions and confirmations. She gave a little yelp early this morning which about startled my coffee out of the pot. She got into Teacher's College. So, just like that, God unveils the next two years of her life. Wow. Just like that it happens.

Today, I walked into the office with purpose. I was going to sign the contract today. No other better day to make some firm decisions about what will happen next. Nothing like telling someone what you plan to do and realizing that, that's it. It's going to happen. That, that's the decision. I'm going to have to cross the Jordan river and put plan into action. I can't believe when all this is over, I would have spent a year and half in Japan. It seems so fast and yet I remember when a day seemed so long. It's not too short a time for a lot to have happened even if it doesn't quite look like it did.

That said, with any luck, I won't be deported out of the country this week. There was a lot more paperwork necessary than expected with regards to extending my visa. Hopefully it'll all be cleared by friday. Otherwise, I might just have to spend the weekend in Seoul so I can come back a valid alien. (I just spent 2 minutes trying to spell "Seoul".)

Audio: Talk in Tongues from Natalie Imbruglia's White Lilies Island.
Biblio: -
Cerebrio: Now that the talking's been done, I can feel that it is time to mobilize the troops, gather some weaponery and power through.

THIS IS THIS YEAR'S PLAN

February: Hokkaido, Snow Festival.
May: Korea
July - August: China/Vietnam (6 weeks)
August - November: Thailand & Indochina (4 months).
December: Australia (Brisbane, Sydney)
January 2006: Hello again Singapore!

My, it looks like its going to be a busy year for me! And plenty to look forward to!



Audio: Stand By Me by Oasis.
Biblio: -
Cerebrio: Sore throat. Dry cough. Shites. Not again!

MY LIFE, STILL IN THE PLANNING STAGES

I've been walking around the dark caverns of my mind with a torch. I'm looking for that elusive "long term" goal that I referred to a few days ago.

These were my plans at age 22... I provide you specifics so you can laugh at me.

23: Honours in English

24: Return to Singapore. Find a job in the government service; Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Mindef... Find a church, settle in, join discipleship group. (Re)Become ‘Singaporean’.

25: Settle into work; kick into gear. Start serving in church, becoming part of the church family. Look into possibility of adult education in 2005.

26: Planning/Preparation continual adult education. Look for lifetime partner....

27: Reassess current job status; transfer to pivate/corporate work sector between 2007 - 2009 to reap the moolah.

28: Get Married!
.
.
.
34: Focus on family. Move into ministry work.


The problem with this plan though, was that I drew it up afraid of the plans I had lost when my last relationship broke up. It was my sort of safety net and I'm glad to say, in retrospect I learnt that those plans were ideal but fantastical for me to acheive. I am now 25, no where near settling on a career much less kicking any gears and still in the planning stages of going back to Singapore. According to that plan, I'm two years behind. And I might just have had started back to front. Yeah, I long threw that plan away.

I think I have my head screwed better now and have decided to leave Japan by the end of the school year because I know now is the time for me to focus on the long term plan. The plan now - and I have no plan yet; "faffing" around in Japan while waiting for inspiration to hit - is for me to really think hard about how to balance between what I want to do, a career which could keep me out of Singapore and from settling down, and what I want, a home. ie, "establishing social roots" deemed necessary for marriage.

Audio: A Little Respect by Wheatus.
Biblio: -
Cerebrio: Still thinking...

THE GAIJIN VISIO

If I'm going to do a photo a day, untouched or altered, experimental project as a visual practice, then I figured I would be better off having a dedicated photoblog. The way I like it, Atom fed on PHP.

Audio: Meant To Live from Switchfoot's The Beautiful Letdown.
Biblio: The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.
Cerebrio: my-eye.my-expressions.com

Winter morning light.

My windows need a good clean.

1/93s, f/3.5, ISO 64, 61mm equiv.

Snowcloud over Osaka.

1/1024s, f/4.8, ISO 64, 38mm equiv.

2005 Goals & Resolutions

GOALS
- Finish Japanese For Busy People Vol.1 before July 2005.
- Take final exams for ED031 Understanding Students. (15Feb05)
- Enrol in(05Mar05) Complete Moody Bible Institute Biblical Studies Curriculum Biblical Basis of Missions 001(07APR05), Teaching with Results and Soul-winning.
- Cert. TEFL. (18APR05).
- 2 week mission trip to China. Japanese christian retreat in Kyushu Islands in April.
- 3 month 6 month volunteer missions in Thailand.
- One photo a day. Untouched or altered. Experimental project as a visual practice.
- Move to Singapore by 2006.

RESOLUTIONS
In bed by 11:30pm. Out of bed by 7:30am on weekdays.
Eat more fruit.
Eat more veges. Complain less about its orange varieties.
Run for at least 10 mins, 4x a week.
Not out-do and out-tire myself. One service per sunday.
Focus on long term goals. Ah, but first I have to...
Set some long term goals.

Audio: All I Want Is You by U2.
Biblio: -/-
Cerebrio: You can tell I plan to keep my resolutions within easy reach....

2004 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

1. Read the bible, Genesis to Revelations, over the year. Failed miserably.
2. Learn nihongo. (enrol in a Japanese language learning school?)
3. Let my creativity run. See if the book inside me can be written. Photography, paint-by-numbers, jewellry making, craft, learn how to play a japanese instrument, take up japanese dance or something like that. Hrrmm...
4. Open up and meet more people. I could have done more about this though.

BACKYARD SOCCER

Player No. 7.

CHOOSING A FUTURE.

Can I be a volunteer zookeeper, mom?

As is proper, I shared my year's plan with my folks this week. I'll make it known in a while when I have more to tell, but you can gather just as much about it from this. As much as we applaud others for serving and volunteering, I don't suppose anyone attempting to give up their money, their time and (others) dreams for free will be met with grand approval from their family. Perhaps, this is the very reason we applaud them, because they do it against the voices that try to drown their's out. Settle down. Get a real job. Don't be so idealistic. What can you do there? This, after a long discussion on the relief efforts taking place in the Tsunami aftermath. They just want someone else to go. Me, I can't read about it and not want to go.

Ironically enough, my mates all thought it was a great idea and a step toward the career direction I wanted to take. I have the rest of my life to choose life, choose a job, choose a starter home, choose dental insurance, leisure wear and matching luggage. So why can't I just do something different for six months out of my entire lifetime? I have nothing to lose now but will have so much to give up later. I don't want to give up my dreams yet - especially without a fight.

My parent's "wern't thrilled". Their language for, "Alright we know you've already decided and we can't stop you anyway. But we don't like it." I know they want me to spend time with them back home. I'm just trying to relish the last dredges of wanderlust left it me. I particularly wasn't thrilled when they started using the God's will argument against me. If God wants you to go, he'll send you even if you come back to Singapore. See, he sent the whale to Jonah. Yeah. I don't want to be chased by the whale. I just want to go when the Holy Spirit prompts.

Audio: Pretender God My Heart by Alisha's Attic.
Biblio: -
Cerebrio: Never let your friends (and family) tie you to the tracks. Seriously though, can anyone out there tell me if volunteering for humanitarian aid is usually met with disaproval? Especially in asian families? And why?

A NEW YEAR, A NEW LOOK

Alright, so maybe its not so new but I wanted a fresh start without having too much of a hassle. Done most of the housekeeping on the website, on my computer and archived under the carpet three years of photologs to give you... the pictures on the top in random order and the most recent one's on the right. Vwaahlah! This is in anticipation of the IPA-worthy photos I will take with my new Nikon E5200. Lindsey, of the last entry's reference, help me sort it all out yesterday evening after food and drinks. Nothing else to comment about that.

A week's vacation all to myself at home wasn't enough. I still haven't mended all my clothes, I've left a left pocket dangling in the wind and some laundry on the side. Nothing to say of how I took the opportunity of time to do no studying at all for the correspondence course I've enrolled in Moody Bible Institute that starts properly now. But I haven't done nothing; I did take all the christmas decorations down finally, springcleaned and (re)organized stuff in the back closet of my head and set new goals and made some firm and some not so firm decisions about the direction I'll take this year.

Back to school tomorrow! It's the first time I'll lead the class. Opportunity while M is away on holiday till monday. Maybe its better if she just sticked to leading the class... Pray that the kids will take to the transition and everything will move smoothly. Spent the longest time catching up with my Ape this evening after stocking up on Aussie-ness from Bootmen. Time to catch some early Zzz's. Schalfgut!

Audio: Taps.
Biblio: Mammon Inc. by Hwee Hwee Tan.
Cerebrio: Two-day work week and two more days over the weekend and then 2005 has to finally hit.

NOT MY FUR COAT

I spent the better part of my morning day mending the pocket linings of my furry coat (barring the temptation to use "fur coat" instead) jackets. I'm so domesticated, it kills me!

Gonna visit Yuuki's grandparents (with the family of course) tomorrow for lunch. Yuuki's one of my kids I teach. I've turned down invites from Hiroki's family but Yuuki and his sister and mom are such precious things, I want to spend time with them even when I don't have to! Here in Japan, they celebrate the New Year the same way the Chinese celebrate the Lunar New Year, with big visits and feasting among family and friends.

The Japanese don't really open their houses much to people. Following the stereotype that housing in Japan is always tight - Myth. though sometimes true. The one about expensive housing is also another myth; just look at what I pay for and where. But that's what stereotypes are. That it applies to most people but not all.) - they've always got a nagging doubt that their places arn't good or big enough to show (also not true). But its not about the place is it? It's about opening up hospitality to others and sharing your life - public and private - with them. So tomorrow will be another peep into their culture.

Tomorrow evening, may prove to be interesting. But shush for now, I don't even know.

Audio: Our Love is Loud by David Crowder Band.
Biblio: Mammon Inc. by Hwee Hwee Tan.
Cerebrio: Future plans, my dear reader.

ON THE THRESHOLD: Summing up 2004

JANUARY: Finish my tour de force of the Australia Desert. Touch base with family in Singapore. Mild panic at the thought of moving to a foreign country I have never been too.

FEBUARY: Move to Japan. Posted to a school in Goido, Kashiba; border town of 50,000 between Osaka and Nara. Realise I am the only foreigner in this town. Even worse, realise I am always mistaken for a local. Oh dear.

MARCH: Begin to wonder if I made the right decision in coming to Japan. Seek ayslum from being a cog in yen-churning capitalist machine, by touring during the weekends. Will shoot next person who tries to speak to me in Nihongo. Make, Hope Chapel Osaka my home church here and, friends; Debbie and Laura.

APRIL: [25th] I have been here 100 days. I continue to walk into lamp-posts and have hair-eating hairdryers incidents. Easter comes and goes uncelebrated. Boo. My friendship with Debbie and Laura proves to shed reason and respite to my insanity.

MAY: After doing Tokyo and Mount Fuji I've seen everything worth seeing here. Where else is there to go? Why am I here anymore? Stop reading Inazo Nitobe's Bushido: The Soul of Japan because am very disillusioned by the the whole Japanese experience. Crusader comes. He is a God-send.

JUNE: I begin to send out my thesis to the research community in hope that someone will be interested in getting me out of Japan and back into the faculty. I go back to Sydney for two weeks to release my valve of pent up angst at the world. Dye my hair red in revolt. Feel ill at the thought of going back to Japan.

JULY: Officially reach that stage in expatriate disenchantedment and ennui where nothing is as surprising to me as it used to be. Laura sows the seeds of hope in a soil of utter detachment bordering of fatalistic resignation. Apply for another teaching position in another school. Offered the job. Hand in my resignation, finally. Janine's visit keeps my spirits up and bolsters me to keep running the race.

AUGUST: Tay visits to keep me afloat while I wait out my one month notice. [16th] Move to Kobe, start teaching in Ashiya International School. Christian Mission. Life looks up.

SEPTEMBER: An earthquake in Kansai, magnitude 7-8, worthy of international coverages, sends me and Laura running out of our apartment in our PJs. This is followed by a battering from Typhoon Songda, which also makes international news. The good news is that my dissertation proved worthy to be published in a newsjournal. :-)

OCTOBER: Turned 25. Celebration plans foiled by Japan's worst typhoon in 10 years. Begin leading biblestudy in homegroup and women's fellowship.

NOVEMBER: Ten months since moving here, I quote Haruki Murakami, the Gatekeepr of Japan from Hard-boiled Wonderland and The End of The World; "We do it that way and that is how it is. The same as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. Nobody but you cares. You just got here, though. You get used to living here, and things fall into place. You lose interest in them. Everybody does."

DECEMBER: SURPRISE! Contrary to expectation, I decide to extend my stay in Japan at least till June 2006. CurlySu comes and visit and we indulge to celebrate the year! We are shocked and saddened by the earthquake affecting our region, counting the many blessings that it left our family, friends and country unscarred.

IN SUMMARY?
Once we were people,
Who used to dream about the future.
Once we were people,
With stars in our eyes.
Where did it all go?

And when did we stop taking pictures?
And when did you lose all your fight?
And when did you sigh, give up and resign?
I will never give up on you.


Audio: One Day In June from Heather Nova's Storm album.
Biblio: Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey.
Cerebrio: I'd never imagine there'd be a day I would thoroughly enjoy a hot granola fruit stew for a winter brekkie. My mind says, "TOO HEALTHY!" But I did!

ONE FOOT BEHIND ME: TAKING STOCK OF 2004

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Move to Japan. Who would have thought?!?!

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
All in all, I did not keep my resolutions except the one’s related directly to being in Japan. I find myself already making new resolutions...

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. Phew.

Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Thank God.

What countries did you visit?
SG, AUS, JPN.

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A firm career direction.

What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 16th. I switched schools and found a reason to stay in Japan.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving my first year in Japan, despite the language and culture.

What was your biggest failure?
Not committing to a social life with the Japanese. Sometimes, its too much effort with the language and cultural barrier.

Did you suffer from illness or injury?
Severe Bronchitis kudos to the Japanese pollution.

What was the best thing you bought?
The iPod has been the most useful purchase thus far.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
All the girlfriends I had praying for me. Faithfulness in prayer is great gift to have. How can I list all of them? Without prayer I wouldn't have stayed sane.

Where did most of your money go?
Travel and comfort foods.

What did you get really excited about?
Having my thesis published on a newsjournal. Experiencing a couple of earthquakes. This counts as anxious rather than excited.

Which song will always remind you of 2004?
A Camp's Frequent Flyer, Bic Runga's Listening For The Weather, Leslie Feist's Secret Heart and A Girl Called Eddy's Somebody Hurt You. Probably John Mayer, Coldplay and Keane too. Music was a big thing for me this year; a respite from all the babelling.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder.
Thinner or fatter? Thinner!
Richer or poorer? Richer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Save.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eat less chocolate.

How did you be spend Christmas?
Taking my sister to more temples and shrines Nara.

Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Mom and Dad.

Did you fall in love in 2004?
No.

How many one-night stands?
NONE.

What was your favorite TV program?
We don’t watch TV in Japan.

What was your favourite movie?
:-/ Last Samurai?

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I am at peace with the world.

What was the best book you read?
The Girl with The Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
It’s a tie between A Camp, Bic Runga and Leslie Feist.

What did you want and get?
An opportunity to be a tentmaker and do God’s work for real work.

What did you want and not get?
Career stability. Someone special to make a life with.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25, celebrated by having sashimi with Laura, stayed in as a result of Japan’s worst typhoon and watched rental video reruns.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Making solid friends in Japan; that would make me want to make a home out of this place.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Classic becomes slightly bohemic. I finally became a red-head; though I haven’t been able to maintain it here.

What kept you sane?
Prayer and with that hope; hanging out for the moment I would be of some good use in Japan.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I remain loyal to Tom Cruise.

Who did you miss?
My mates in Australia and Singapore. We knew something would happen, we didn't know what and how. England, Scotland, India, Mongolia; now they're all over the world and we can't get them back!

Who was the best new person you met?
Laura Godfrey! Churchmate, housemate, workmate, sister, family!

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Prayer is the bedrock of everything.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Once we were people,
Who used to dream about the future.
Once we were people,
With stars in our eyes.
Where did it all go?

And when did we stop taking pictures?
And when did you lose all your fight?
And when did you sigh, give up and resign?
I will never give up on you.

Audio: Monsoon Wedding OST.
Biblio: Mammon Inc. by Hwee Hwee Tan.
Cerebrio: Detox fasting is over. Maybe I should eat all the chocolate and junk in the house for my own good, so I won't have any more junk lying around the house!