AH, WHO CARES?

- Kansai area -


- Nara prefecture -

So there is Nara and its general whereabouts. It's not as well known as Osaka or Kyoto and my consolation is that its about an hour from my friends in Osaka and Kyoto.

Farewell dinner and drinks on monday; a couple of things have gone generally wrong. As usual, more people intend to come than have rsvp'd. What's wrong with you guys? Have some consideration for the organiser! It's another hassle to organise for you own farewells when you're already busy moving. Secondly, UCHI doesn't take reservations at all. So, I have inacurate numbers to work with and no tables I can book for places.

Maybe I won't do anything about UCHI on monday. I'll grab the girls and we'll just go on the other hand its just not me to be so half-arsed. Look folks, if you gonna come, TELL ME!

NARA-KEN IS PART OF THE "KINKY" REGION

Nara prefecture (Nara-ken) is part of the Kinki region on Honshu island, Japan. It is also known as Yamato-no-kuni. Nara is known for its natural beauty, historical significance, and peaceful yet convenient location in the middle of the Kansai region and is a center for the production of instruments used in conducting traditional Japanese art forms, including calligraphy and tea ceremony.

"We would like to place you at the Kashiba school in Nara prefecture. This is approximately 1 hour from Osaka and 45 minutes from Kyoto. We would need you to be in Japan by mid January 2004."

Audio: Come Away With Me by Norah Jones of the CD of the same name.
Biblio: -/-
Cerebrio: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bullet Train of Life will be leaving this station in 11 days.

THE THIN GREY LINE

I have to admit, since Rick Warren, I haven’t been reading God’s word regularly. I meditate on it but I haven’t kept as close to God's word as I probably should have. And that does have consequences.

I’m glad I haven’t gone so far as to commit a fault, but that by no means means that I have not sinned in my heart. It is hard to perservere and study his word when we get tired. We work hard, excuse ourselves and then before long, its hard to get back into the routine again. I’m going to work on reading and digesting the Sermon on the Mount even though I don’t forsee a regular daily schedule that would allow it for the next few months. But I still have to try my best to anyway. Its a lousy excuse not to be doing my devotions.

A few weeks ago, Lirps and I were debating the “why not” of flirting and having non-committed relationships for fun if it did not bother those involved, especially if they already knew and had the same intention to have fun anyway. Christian people and christian relationships were to be taken seriously, but why couldn’t we get away with the non-christians if they didn't have those priorities? We really were blinded by the devil and were stumped - not that we didn’t know already but I’m afraid to admit, the right answer didn’t come to us immediately but took two weeks to surface. Because, Matthew say, “are not the tax collectors doing that? what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”

We were trying measuring up against what we could get away with and not what we could do to shine as lights of the world. We were treading dangerously close to the grey line. We didn’t commit any fault, but I can’t believe how blinded we were from the truth that we already knew. I’m dissapointed and ashamed. If I were suddenly taken to face God, I don’t think he would have been proud of me. Yes, I was a christian, but was I being the salt of the earth? Could a non-christian have identified any saltiness? The right hand is the hand of social actions and if my right hand started sinning, I should cut it off and throw it away, better to lose one part of the body than for the whole body to go to hell. Lirp’s conviction to get right with God-priorities is encouraging. I am being convicted to pursue this with her too.

When shadows fall and block my eyes, I am lost and know that I must hide. Its a long long journey till I find my way home to you... I know I will falter, I know I will cry, I know you'll be standing by my side... Sometimes it feels like no one understands, I don't even know why I do the things I do. When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul, will you break down these walls and pull me through? When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes, it feel like everything is out to make me lose control. It's a long long journey and I need to be close to you

Audio: Journey by Corrinne May
Biblio: Lord, I'm Torn Between Two Masters: Genuine Faith from the Sermon on the Mount by Kay Arthur.
Cerebrio: I thank God for loving me and working through everything in my life.

SO, IT WILL BE.

Found: Parcel postpack box Joshua used to send me goodies.

Cusoms Declaration: and those that he missed.
Double yoked mooncakes, kacang puteh, chocolates, Nike tennis gear, music cd's, Sony Clie and Palm PDAs, love letters, cards, engraved pens, couple's devotionals and boxes full of love.

Also found, Sender's name, address and contact details. Looks like I can contact him. So it will be.

WHAT'S EATING THE CHILIBUDDY? Parte the Seconde.

Everything is a see-saw. I'm sometimes crazy happy and I really am and then sometimes I'm just in the shits and almost ready to tear. We had a time to share prayer requests in church yesterday and lots of people wanted us to pray for the summer mission trips that people were doing and for the long-term moves that people were making from university. My stomach felt like lead, my throat felt a desert and the floodgates were filling up the dam. I was almost relieved when the line shortened to share requests. And then I saw Lirps walk up. And she did what I was afraid she would do. So, I got put on the prayer list as well for going away to Japan. But this is why I love her for it and that's why she's so special to me.


- A summer to match London's -

The weather hasn't been helpful either. The days I'm free, its stay-in, wet and damp weather. The day we expect nice sunny skies, I have to work over the weekend again. I really, really want a break from work. Yet if I didn't work, I'd be so (- I said "damn" in my head again -) bored. Why can't I just learn to be content?

Working over the weekend, I had sometime to think about it in the mornings when it was quiet. I didn't get a whole lot of free-time, so that train of thought is still flirty. I'm fantasizing things in my head that arn't there cause I want them to be there. But doing that is just indicative of how unreliant I am on God, how little faith I have that he will give me all that I need, about the friends I will have who will love me, about the life he will guide me to live and the ways he will let me know. I had the faint murmuring in my heart that my life hasn't looked like that of a mature christian person of late.

I don't know what it looks like; I don't know if anyone looks at me and see God's testimony, or if they just see this crazy girl flailing her hands around. I'm a dissapointed that I still try to be "cool', something I thought I had gotten over already. Once in a while, I catch my selfish pride show up. The rest of the time, I'm too self-centred to notice.


- Hanging out at UBER lounge bar -

This weekend. Big. There was one social moment where my earthen worldly self, thought it would be appropriate to buy myself some social currency in pointing out family relations to particular institutes and establishments. I tried to gain status by bartering with the secular world - with christian friends. I don't disdain the pleasures of God's created world. I enjoy a good cocktail, a vintage of red wine, the aroma of a cigars and tobacco and I am passionate about food. It's the over-indulgent, no-holds-barred experiential culture of pleasure and then the encouragement, inducement and pride of it that I wish I could do away with. Its hard to maintain a balance.

I'm really quite at a loss about the whole thing even though I have the experience of God moulding me into a mature christian. I hope I'm doing what God wants me to do, but I'm afraid, that "hope" is just that with no action to follow.

"I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, the fact that I think I am following God's will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please Him does in fact please Him." - Thomas Merton

EATING THE CHILIBUDDY

Fourteen hours in the trade expo, 14 children's lives made better. Prayer warriors, you guys are doing well.

Am being generally bugged and frustrated at things. Too many swear words come to mind too easily. What an ingrate. What is she so unhappy about? Adding only again to the frustration already. What's one to do? What's eating The Chilibuddy?

UCHI lounge - the uber cool Arty Left

I'm going to let all my friend's in on one of Sydney's best-kept secrets with a laidback hole-in-the-wall groove. The Uchi Lounge in Surry Hills.

This little gem in Darlinghust is Sydney meets Ginza. Upstairs, the zen-simple cloth-draped dining room has the inexpensive menu of traditional Japanese flavours. Downstairs, there's a good-looking, groovey-vibed bar with great Japanese beers suchas the Yebisu.

Mark your dairies for 5th December, Friday. We're going there for The Chilibuddy-goes-to-Japan farewell dinner & drinks. KAMPAI! If you're coming, leave me a note somewhere on this blog or text message my mobile. Expect $25 for the night. Ja mata ne!

TOO DAMN NEAR CLOSE TO TEARS

FORGET PAINTBALL. THIS IS WARFARE!
Work was really hard today. I was so damn near close to tears a few times. It is and it isn't work related. Am doing the WorldVision roadshow this month, starting today at the Mind, Body & Spirit trade expo. Our stall is boxed in by everything that screams "wrong!". This is deep new age spiritual stuff; polarity healing, gemstone vibes, aura imaging, hindu pranic senses, wellbeing yoga and all that. Not even one child was sponsored today and there was only one enquiry. It's spiritual warfare - the whole two exhibition hall was filled with pyschic reading, tarot card readings, feel-good spiritual goggle-gock. Toward the end I ended up humming a few christian children's song just to keep going. People before me have coped before, I can do this too. Need to pull myself together. Pray. Pray. Pray.

I really don't need any more stress. Am under incredible pressure from various points and I feel like I'm a walking time-bomb, just trying to tread softly. Every second that goes by feels like internal pressure building. Some of this will explain itself on tuesday. Meanwhile, the weekend keeps growing.

MY PRIVATE OWN CHIMPANZEE
But there was something good about today. As much as work was horrid, today wasn't all bad. I had a good morning. Apes brought me a single chocolate krusty kreme donut for breakfast all the way from Penrith. If I had to train for over an hour with a donut in my hand, I would have so eaten it up. This ape is from Penrith. For those not in the know, Penrith is at least 77 minutes away from my place by train. So, my little chimpanzee would have had to be up by at least 7am this morning to see me for breakie. "I tell people I love them by giving them double sugar coated fatty deep fried donuts."

We ate big breakfasts at La Vera and stolled down to The Craven at Valhalla for more drinks to cool the warming sun. We sunned our toes and opened our hearts. We just wanted to pretend I wasn't going anywhere. I almost had to check in early on the stall on account of a little mishap, but I really didn't want to leave at all. Finally, the clock struck noon and I was really needed at work, so we walked our way back to reality. On the way there, Apes said something I had suspected for the last three months, "you know, I agree with our personality profile test, you and I would make great lovers and soulmates." I just kept quiet. We would, even though that would be outrageously impossible at the same time. I wanted the chimpanzee to stay in Glebe with me, but I couldn't demand that of the ape since I wasn't going to be around myself. Ho hum.

Audio: Angel by Sarah McLachlan.
Biblio: - / -
Cerebrio: Someone gave me handmade earrings today...

I HATE GOODBYES

Transcription of a conversation ensued in a car.


Wednesday's ride in the bomb: Me & Nicolie

Nic: Will I see you at biblestudy next week?
Me: Yea, why not?
Nic: How many more weeks do you have with us?
Me: Uh-oh. [pause] If we have biblestudy next week, I'll definitely see you. Mental note to self: check how many weeks more I'm sticking around
Nic: You, brave, brave, girl.
Me: Believe me, I'm terrified.
Nic: Are you counting down the days or just ignoring the fact altogether?
Me: I did a vague count, I sort of know how many days I have left, but I'm also pretending its not happening either. I haven't packed at all.
Nic: Oh, packing you can do the day before.
Me: To move out of my apartment?
Nic: Oh! No... that one you can't do. When's your farewell thing again?
Me: What farewell thing? Should I be doing a farewell thing? Or should someone else be doing it for me? Am I saying goodbye to myself or is it someone else saying goodbye to me?
Nic: Look, just send out an email saying which pub you'll be at, which day and what time and we'll all turn up.
Me: Okay, when I get my act together...

We invited our pastor to join our biblestudy group this evening, for dinner followed by the much looked forward to because, incredibly and painfully prolonged, finale Australian Idol. Very good fellowship, I tell you. We all squealed with delight when Guy Sebastian won cause, go the 'fro! And he's a christian too! Not just a nominal one either. I can now claim 2-degrees of friendship to a "celebrity"; Chong-the-monk, who does Barnicles with Ly-ann-pam-pam on sunday morning actually knows and messages Guy regularly.


Far from the madding crowd behind me: Sydney Opera House forecourts

I was at the Opera House forecourts with my neighbour for coffees and scones after indulging two hours at the MCA after all neccessary work had been done. Yes, again. I can't get enough of the Primervera 2003 (Italian for Spring) and Callum Morton's "Buildings & Mood" exhibitions. By 4pm, there was such a crowd building up around the Sydney Opera House in advance of Australian Idol's prime-time telly, 7:30pm, start. How much hype can the media possibly work up? It can be so tedious just knowing that it all revolves around an empty center. Me and Nic were sick and tired of labouring over such media issues.

Anyhoo, I'm sure now all the Australian christian community is going to have its hopes pinned on him. Amen that he won, but it's a bit unfortunate how so much pressure is going to be him that won't already be neccessary. Even I'm not even secretly pleased that he won. I hope God can use him as a testimony somehow. I hope we can just let Guy Sebastian be a person too though.

After planting our ass's for three hours on Kylie's couch-that-swallows-you-up, we were finally delighted that we could get back on our merry lives, post-Australian Idol. A couple of us girls, stuck around and got filled up with the details of yet another marriage-in-the-works. We agreed its all a bit too wierd when your bestest friends get married and we're not sure what roles we play anymore. Where once you shared every single minute detail, now who's best friend to your friend, you or her husband? A part of us is just so happy for them to find each other as God's intended partner, the other part is too ready to peirce dagger eyes at the man who would take our girls from us.

It's all about leaving one phase for another. I've had my 7-day hiatus from Japan-anxiety. But enough people have bought me farewell drinks and dinners and have started asking me about the countdown. So, I went home to check just how many more wednesday night sessions I would be having with these integral people in my life. Two. Oh shit.

Audio: Strange attraction spreads it wings. It alters but the smallest things. You never know how anything will change... by The Cure.
Biblio: Yellow pages for unaccompanied overseas baggage.
Cerebrio: Another huge weekend is coming up. I better stop arsing around, start packing and calling the movers too.

Personality Disorder

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I am apparently characterized by self-centeredness and social anxiety, seeking attention and praise. People with these disorders exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them. What a bitch! People with social anxiety disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence. Really? Must've been the traumatic childhood from school. Tell me if its right.

FLY BYS

I should get Fly By points for my after work, chill out sessions at Well-Connected. Tomorrow, shall attempt something different and kick back at The Valhalla instead with Apes. Hurah! Exciting!

Audio: Kyoto Jazz Massive - Looking forward to checking out the underground jazz culture in Japan.
Biblio: -
Cerebrio: I want to go to the MCA and AGNSW again!

MY LIFE IS FOR RENT FOR NOTHING I HAVE IS TRULY MINE

Every tuesday for the past eight months, I work for a medical bioethics researcher from the UNSW. Today was my last day. Admittedly, I'm not particularly attached to it since World Vision is my heart. But, I do like what I do. I find work at the BER and at WorldVision pretty rewarding. Yes, lucky me. When I worked in Singapore on an editorial team of an entertainment magazine work was no where this fulfilling although it had some perks. So, this was a good change

When I was to leave the editorial team, I paid my dues and was sure to communicate my appreciation for the rest of the team, especially the chief editor, "Slim Shady". Thank you cards and kudos around the office. Now, when I leave work here, I get the thank you card and the kudos instead. What is more, I worked the half day and I got a month's bonus! Whoot! What a riot. With all the moolah being splashed right, left and center with the neccessary expenses of moving, my bank account has been depleting... So, God was good.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind one bit being a food writer. I like that job too. Yum! Yum! But I was working toward a deadline down to the day I left. And for all that, we had a half-baked dinner treat at Arab Street. Can't say that left a very good impression that makes me want to go back there. Singaporeans are truly not a grateful or gracious bunch. Everyone feels everyone else owes them something; whether its the government, the employers, the employees, the shop-owner, etc. etc. The stereotypical Singaporean in my humble opinion seems incredibly industrious but lazy at the same time. Self-maximising diligence but little care and bother to build civil and personal relationships. I'm really glad I got to learn about gracious social living standards and I hope I don't lose that. Meanwhile, I have a stack of cards and letters that I had better get cracking on...

Audio: Life is for Rent for nothing I have is truly mine. Go Dido!
Biblio: Teach Yourself: Instant Japanese.
Cerebrio: Go the Wallabies!

- Circular Quay Railway Station -


- Faster than a speeding... -

THE GLEBE STREET FAIR

Today was one big partee! I’ve been up since 8:30am, which is dreadfully early for me. Did the Barniccles thing at morning church and got a headshot of each of the kids who were there. For posterity and all that jazz. Am going to do a black and white collage of the kids as some sort graphic artwork. Could potentially be a sizable project if I don’t slack off.

Then the Glebe Street Fair came after that. It was a total blast! Started with Fels and Leanne, wandering "backward" to the start about half way, tentatively soaking up the tepid atmosphere. But once sugar charged with Krusty Kremes for a very late brunch, we hit cruise mode and it was easy going from there. The mediocre crowd just swelled as we walked on. Saw plenty of chi-chi bags I would have loved to get, if only I had more money, weren’t going to have to be packing so many things to Japan, had even a vague idea of the fashion sense there and actually used bags long enough to warrant their expenditure (as opposed to my "once-off disposable" vice). But they were heaps pretty anyway. I love the colours and atmosphere of Glebe. Not as rough as Newtown and every bit as bohemian.


- My little sista's: Fels and L-2 -

I had a good time hanging out for a little while with ma' blog-grrls but was appropriately distracted as one would wont in the carnivalesque and got lost from them in the crowd. Got abducted by the rest of the straglers before I could locate the girls and ended up spending the rest of the arvo-evening with the new cru'. So, had a good time with good friends and hit off well with some new ones too. What can I say about all those relatively new faces in my life...


- Ichiban! -

Once the Madhatter got the better of us, we were insatiable for fun. My mandarin teacher in highschool would've been proud!




- “zhong you”, a loyal friend -

By this time we had already walked up and down the Glebe Street Fair a few times over and then some! And, the posse had been reconfigured by a few degrees of friendship. In the true spirit of local community, everyone's someone was there. The bright sun, which I totally expected, was way cool on account of the very breezy wind but by the time we finally walked back to the start, it greyed and started pouring cats and dogs, so we sought shelter in the always cool “Well Connected”. I like taking folks there, like the chill-out atmosphere, the red vinyl seats, the loungy 70s & 80s deco and the view of Glebe from the balcony. The day was excellent. 10/10. I finally had that well-deserved leisurely weekend spent with pretty good company.

Altogether, spent about 6 hours in the 2 kilometre radius of my stomping ground, only leaving Glebe to top the day off with church service. Tummy was rumbling like a WWF death-match after service so we regrouped at Newtown’s pizza “institute”, Alex Cordobe’s Pizzeria, for dinner and went to Ice & Slice for some truly decadent rum & raisin, expresso & white chocolate gelato and Kahluas. More chill to the already psycho weather.

God must’ve known I really needed some downtime this weekend to gather my thoughts and thankfully dinner at Juju’s yesterday was cancelled on account of the World Rugby (Go the Wallabies!) and I could luxuriate in me-time, cause today was just massive. (See Exhibit A - My bronzed shoulders. Ouch!) Total hours spent out-of-doors: 14. Pwahs! Off to the Museum of Contemporary Art tomorrow, the summer season exhibitions are out. Yea! Then its my last day working at The Ethics Research on tuesday. Ho hum.

Audio: My supa-chill compilations.
Biblio: Highschool classmates' blogs.
Cerebrio: All that you can't leave behind.

SUBJECT: MISSING YOU...

[aka Today's newsbreak in short]

Hey darling.

How you doing? I had a good night last night... dancing and fun. What did you get up to later? Can we do an afternoon coffee on wednesday? It's been too long since we've chatted. It seems to be the end of an era... but i'm too tired to think about it!

:) Love Apes

Heh. Hugz. I cannae wait! Something to look forward to after work!
Not that work is bad. I love what I do. Totally.

EMO

- Sydney Central Station -

A few years ago, as I moved from one phase to another, one country to another, not quite unlike this time, I remember very clearly, speaking to God abstractly about what the next few years ahead was going to be about. He told me (I swear, its one of the few times he has actually spoken to me. I remember things like that) that something great would come out of it. Okay, I don't know what he meant by "great" and I could've mistaken "great" for "good" over the satelitte interference. But, good, great, what does it matter if it's God's? I have to admit, since then, its all been good. Way better than I had even knew to expect. So, I know I'm approaching a very very exciting next new phase where I'll be able to use what I've learnt and acquired over my time here to apply it to something which does look a bit fuzzy to me at the moment over there.

Somehow, I know this is what he wants me to do for now. Unlike the last time I may have mistaken his promptings and fouled up big, this time I'm not pre-empting him. I go back to play and replay how I ended up going to Japan and it would be my foolish, foolish pride if I even supposed that I had done this on my own. God's right time and God's right place doing a right thing by God, is what got me this opportunity.

But, I'm not too pleased at all to be going away. I had a good night yesterday. Dru took me out for Japanese dinner (my favourite!) and then we strolled the unchartered backlanes of the city on the "wrong" side of the Harbour bridge, watched fireworks as if they were meant specially for me, lounged over coffee at one of the bars at the Quay in full view of the Habour bridge, the Opera House and when we turned back around we saw the city skyline and then...

Nothing is more obvious to me now than the passing of an era of my life. Everything yells and echos in my head that my time here is up. Few of the peers I started with are still hanging around Sydney and the faces in my life are all relatively fresh. More than anything, its an illusion of safety and comfort. People have, are and will be moving on. We all are. I would not be in God's timing in my life if I didn't take this next step. I remember telling Dru early in the year that something told me I wasn't to be hanging around here for much longer.

While I was waiting for him, I heard christmas carols come on over the radio. I saw him move around the doors but I planted myself firm in my seat cause I just wanted to hear till the end of the song. I felt so far from home and I was glad as anything that I was going to see Mom and Dad again after so long. There is so much to look forward to! Spring! Summer! Festival and carnivelesque excitement of the Glebe Street fair tomorrow! Christmas, holidays, friends of yore and all that! But I can't decide once and for all if I'm more happy to go or more sad that I am not staying. It's hard juggling between two so different emotions. I can't really make out what its all telling me. My time here is finished, I don't question that at all. God has some plans to prosper me, to give me hope and to show me my future. Yet, I still find it hard to leave.

God, help me use this time and these emotions to focus on you and grow in our relationship. Help me know that you will make things alright. Help me believe.

Audio: Stuck in a moment by U2.
Biblio: Dude, Where's my country? by Michael Moore.
Cerebrio: How true. Ho hum. Humpf. . . .

They Give Evidence

Dadang Christanto had an installation piece at the AGNSW. On the left is a 1996 piece, called "They Give Evidence". Sixteen larger-than-life male and female figures, representing displaced victims, mutely carry the bodies of innocent men, women and children who have been killed. A moving testament to the inhumanity of man in a monument of communal grief. Oppression and social injustice is sad. I can know this, but what are the chances of my knowing it as a reality? Walking through the sculptures brought me a bit closer to the empathizing with the pain.

A MYTH OF ORIGINS?

The problem with being a global worker is that there is always a confusion about where one is from and where one is coming from. The confusion arises when the question of "origin" is demanded. In said author's case, unable to differentiate my nationality, instead of where I am coming from, in a manner appropriate to its imperialist legacy left behind, the Japanese immigration procedures have decided that it is best to leave that category blank, and in their hands to decide. Thus the world nomad becomes a subaltern because she cannot fit into a suitable category and loses herself in the myth of origins.

It is a questions of identity and culture - also coined "Nomadology” in literary expressions of; once away from home, and having assimilated into the cultures outside, learning experience will change, such that you lose your "origin". We are made up of experiences which change us and mould us and we become different for those external and "foreign" influences. Soon, "foreign" isn't foreign anymore, it becomes part of you and you become part of it.

Yet, you will always know that you are still "not-native", regardless of how long you stay there and how much you assimilate. The life you have lived - at home - would have moulded your subjectivity. And even if you moved home, you would still be out of place, because the learning experience of being away will also contribute to your subjectivity, and you will never be able to return to the same safe, stable idea of the home you had left.

Given all this, the sense of misplacement in leaving our material and physical homes, the lives we live as christians also balance similarly in our spiritual reality - the christian life is a temporary assignment in a place that isn’t ours to call home.

Rick Warren on this - “The fact that earth is not our ultimate home explains why, as followers of Jesus, we experience difficulty, sorrow and rejection in this world. It explains why some of God’s promises seem unfilfilled, some prayers seem unanswered and some circumstances seem unfair... In order to keep us from being too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life - longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. We are not completely happy here because we’re not supposed to be!”

Rest assured, the world nomad never forgets her roots.

Audio: Jazzanova compost.
Biblio: Dude, where's my country? by Michael Moore.
Cerebrio: Took the afternoon off from work, heading to the AGNSW!

I WANT TO

wear my heart on the sleeve of my shirt.
I want to follow it, then give it away.

A shrimp I once knew, challenged me recently to do something really brave. A few days ago, I put up a blog entry which lasted all of thirty minutes before I chickened out and left it on my private diaries instead. I had this to say about it - "I put this up on my public blog today and then I decide to take it down. I really don’t know why." While this entry may have nothing to do with Nippon, the truth is, it has everything to do with how I got here and why I am going. So, I've decided to bare a bit of my soul here, cause I've got a little hope in my pocket and I want to share it with you. Just be careful you don't drop it but don't worry if you do.

HOW CAN SOMEONE SO GREAT A BLESSING BE SO BIG A PAIN?
I don't mean "pain" as in "you're a pain in my behind". I mean the pain that pierces right through and breaks your heart in utter dissapointment. Yet a blessing so great that your live changes around a pivot because of it.

I was thinking about it this morning. Who has been the greatest influences in the way my life has been shaped? And I had to admit it was my past loves. I am who I am today because of what those experiences have done to me.

Without Aaron, I would probably not have left my place behind the microscopes and sterile laboratries. I might not have known how to take the beauty of literary culture out of highschool and make real today. I might never have taken to writing and I might never have taken the opportunity to just dive deep between hardcovers and feel so alive that way. We have a special bond because of the trials we've had to share and ghosts that will continue haunt us. One day, I'll dare to share that and God will use that pain to bless others. But that is for another day.

And as much has I would not want to admit the other is Joshua. Yes, I'm sparing no names today. We're being honest here after all. He was a beam of light to bring me back to Christ. His is a path that has since continued to draw me toward Christ through the joy of knowing him and the way I've matured through the pains of betrayal and hurt. He was put in my life, at the right time and the right place, when I needed to have someone there. I would almost have gladly said "yes, I do." But he was taken away from me, when God thought it was appropriate.

If I had to count the hurt that I had to endure, would I do it all over again? Like the Shrimp said, Have their influences been blessings if I had to factor in the pain? Do we know where the pain ends and the real blessing begins?

I don't know if I'm going to make a mistake, but I am going to attempt to reconcile this terribly estranged relationship one day soon. I knew the day would come when the challenge to restore broken relationships would be a real possibility for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Maybe the appropriate time is drawing near.

I guess, I knew from the start that I never wanted to be estranged from him and that I did want to have a decent friendship if not acquaintance with my previous partners. They’ve shared so much of your life with you and you've shared so much of your heart with them that I think it would be foolish not to treasure that bit of it, even if nothing else. The is why Eugene and Aaron will always be special to me. But, I guess, I took certain vindication in knowing that I had been wronged and that I had been terribly hurt. I wanted to resolve - but I had every right not to.

I think I can look at it with a certain amount of hindsight and maturity now. Forgiveness is different from trust, and knowing that helps me to put that broken relationship in place. I can forgive Joshua, but trust is something he has broken. And there is no reason to build it up to the same measure it used to be. I would not be honest and authentic if I didn’t admit that at any earlier point, my forgiving Joshua would have been a ‘point’ up for me to hold it against him. As if I were being the much gracious party and he should feel so ashamed of himself, realise his mistake and want to make ammends.

But truth is, that would have been impossible. I now know why - because trust was something that was lost in his dis-demeanour. And now I know, that it was better for us to have parted ways, at least I have grown in that respect for it. And now, I want even lesser than before to restablish a relationship with him. No doubt that he is something that I’ll always ‘cannot have’. But knowing that it would be something I do not want, putting that aside as a possibility forever, makes it easier for me to think about forgiving him and letting this go.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all. - In Memoriam (XXVII) by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Well, how did I go from there to here? For that fiasco, I had a stand-off with God for the longest time. We were not on talking terms at all. I was mad at him but knowing he was God, I resentfully dragged myself to his feet. I was praying, he was just silent, so I stopped. I was waiting, he wasn't budging, so I went my own way. I was growing increasingly exasperated, he was just waiting for me to be ready to be moulded, so I gave up. And, while I was pacing up and down, wearing the carpet out, his hammer was pounding to give my formlessness a frame and melt my dreams. And this peice of steel was just glowing fire and fury as I was twisted like a vine. After the anvil comes the cooling and I was as cool as ice. So, the winter of my discontent ended, the hurt subdued somehow and the season turned to spring. And now you see my shape before you, this sharpened point. And the question, it still remains, what am I to be? What is my purpose now? With Japan at my feet, his task before me may seem unclear, but I know my dreams and hopes he holds so dear.

By the way, those seminars I've been working on? I delivered the seminar that I had been working on, early this morning. Something I feel quite passionately about, cultural construction through communication, this time it was about "Post-Colonial Cultural Construction in Language and Literature: Hybrid-authorship & Expression". I got through it much easier than I had expected. Thank God!

Audio: Train rumblings. I've been spending some time on the tracks, trigger-happy.
Biblio: Dude, where's my country? by Michael Moore.
Cerebrio: The countdown begins to my secondment to Japan.

THIS WAY UP ^

Over the past week I've been trying to work on image access among other things that I should have been doing (see: Work). I figure it'll be nice to share Japan with you peeps through my eyes. Meanwhile, I'll have time to whup my technologically incompetent ass in shape. Look, its been at least 2 years since I did any creative web developement and things change really fast! Kudos to Fels for her help!

I went to the [ This Way Up ] concert and album launch at the Newtown Theatre last night. It's good to support your local artists y'know? Especially if their a young christian band.



This was made possible because of my new camera.



That's the actual size! I got a good deal for it cause it came from the OEM manufacturer. Anyone see the Sony Cybershot-U recently?

QUALIFIED TO BE CONFERRED

THE CHILIBUDDY
- International Humanities Specialist -
B.A. (HONOURS) ENGLISH LITERATURE, ART HISTORY & FILM, SYD.
Dip. (Distinction) Biotech. N.P., S'pore.

Indulge me! I'm OFFICIALLY done! I've finished my 7 year marathon... at least for the meanwhile...

HELLO GEORGEOUS!

Someone called me "Georgeous" today. Cheesy as it sounds, it was actually someone I knew so, it actually made me feel pretty good about myself. Mind you, though the person didn't actually see me on the other side of the telephone line, the person considers me "georgeous".

It made me grin sheeplishly and blush even if it was somewhat inappropriate. Other names I have been called - "dear", "love", "girl" and "baby". And, you can get this even from the lady called "Pat", behind the checkout counter at your regular convenience store. But it's not everyday I hear someone call me by a term of endearment and mean it.

Life in Sydney never fails to surprise me like this. Just when I thought I knew Sydney pretty well and was ready to move on to bigger challenges, I learn things about her and her people that make it so hard for me to move to move to Japan because, there, apparently, expression of whatever sort be it joy, anger or saddness, is a reflection of your immaturity! So, finally after much shedding and moulting of my hard, thorny, shell, this soft-shell crab is being sent out into battle? God works in mysterious ways.

Audio: the printer is humming....
Biblio: not for a few hours... please.
Cerebrio: Visa application for "Specialist in International Humanities" in Japan. Woohoo!

I WISH I WERE YOUNG AND RESTLESS

Its now around 4:30am - and I am just about done for the day / morning. I screwed up my body clock yesterday when insomnia kicked in and its reared its ugly head again.

If I were young and restless, I would call sleep off and go wander down to Sydney Park to watch the sun-rise. I might think about it doing that and reminiscing my mad hey-days with the Clockwork Crew next week. Take a flask of hot tea and read some poetry by candlelight, fall asleep on the knolls in the park, loo behind a bush, get trigger happy with the morning light from the sun-rise and wander back up Newtown with sleep in my eyes and a shot of strong coffee and freshly cooked breakfast as the street wakesup. Then I'd pad around campus in the quiet morning and have the hallowed halls all to myself, fall asleep on the front lawns till the sun warmed up my face and drove me home to bed. It would be nice to be mad again.

The Same Side of the Moon

Time is just ticking by and there are some friends I dread leaving. Like Lirps. Truth is, I don't know and I can't see when I might see Lirps again. Time and space may never allow it. Lirps has been one of God's gifts to me. Lirps has perfect timing. Just when I feel lonely and most need to know that I feel loved and thought about, Lirps will call and say "love ya!" and I know God loves me too.

Lirps, we may maybe miles away, but as I kneel to pray, I'll see the same side of the moon that we'll be looking on when the world turns blue. Time and space can't come between what we share. We can't be that far if we're both looking on the same side of the moon. I'll picture you across the oceans, in your corner of the world working out what you need to do. Your night might be my day and though the seasons change, its still the same side of the moon. And too soon, the infinitesimally small blot of time we have on earth will be over, and we'll see each other in heaven.

TWO seminar papers for this Friday and I'm mucking around...downloaded new OS X updates, the iLife gear: iPhoto 2.0 and iTunes 4.1 with inbuilt music store! Whoop! Huzah!

"The iTunes Music Store is not available in your country yet. ... you won't be able to purchase music unless your billing address is in the United States..." Blah.

Audio: Corrinne May. This girl's got the goods!
Biblio: The Transcendental Self: The Psycho-philosophy of Hinduism and Buddhism
Cerebrio: I need to apply myself to the seminars. But I can't be arsed!

HOW FAR AT ODDS WITH CHRISTIANITY?

Interesting things I've learnt while perusing on transcendentalism:

1. The “live large” life-philosophies of transcendental pyscho-philosophy, the absorption and transformation of and ideology, extended into a personal belief system to become part of behavioural extension has been part of my own psycho-philosophy.
2. Although transcendentalism promotes the alluring experiential way of living, its tenets may be irreconsilable to the basic principles of Christianity, most obviously would be the disposal of the Divinity of a triune God for a personal divinity within oneself that is able to “enlighten” one’s knowledge and understanding of self and the world.
3. Transcendental thought shares a lot in common with Hindu religions.
4. Some Hindu scriptures sound like the principles of a christian life - let me clarify, that the “principles” of a christian life, ie. how we live our life, is not the same as the what we belief of Christ. From the Bhadvad Gita: “as a person puts on new garments giving up the old ones, similarly, the soul accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones” and “death according to Hindu philosophy is the beginning of new life.” Don't those tropes ring a bell?

We are told to question and must dare to test what we are taught. There is certain faith in testing, for if what we belief in is the truth then it will hold up against everything else.

Audio: sound of my own breathing
Biblio: The Transcendental Self: The Psycho-philosophy of Hinduism and Buddhism.
Cerebrio: Why can't I just get the seminar over and done with?

LANDOWNER'S WIFE TO BUILDING CONTRACTOR

(Conversation in Singlish)
by Angeline Yap

Why like that?
A shrug. Like that is like that lor.
Hor? Like that ha?

His face is loud with thought.
What? You think I so free ah?
For nothing want to find trouble is it?

How can! Like this one, I very kek sim you know --
can change or not?
Resigned -- change, change lor, or else how?

She, balancing on espadrilles,
Well versed in Chablis and in Chardonay
adjusts shades, looks pleased to have gotten her way.
He, grimy, balancing chisel and handphone,
More acquainted with Tiger beer and ABC stout,
Could probably find a use for the word, "punctilious",
settles instead for mumbling the simple "why so neow!" instead.

--------------------

Come on, you know you want to say something.

It’s raining, It’s pouring, I would rather be snoring...

I love it when it just absolutely pours down like this, cats and dogs - when I’m nicely safe and dry indoors. The temperature has got to be right though cause if its too cold you’d just feel rotten. The morning was warm and bright but it turned quite grey just before I jumped into bed for a cat-nap before endeavouring, obviously less than satisfactorily so, as my writing this would suggest, to get some work done. It's the Spring rain.

Just as well, I took Thoreau to the roof yesterday and spent the afternoon with him lounging on the roof and basking in the sun, taking as much sunshine in advance of the want of leisure, company and enviroment that I expect in Japan. We slipped into our summer gear, slapped on the sunscreen and put on the sunnies. Ever the airy head, he had this to say about Spring.

Thoreau: ...the phenomenon of winter is suggestive of inexpressible tenderness and fragile delicacy. We are so accustomed to hear of this King who is described as a tyrant; but it is with the gentleness of a lover, he adorns the tresses of summer.
The Chilibuddy: Okay, you transcendental idealist...
Thoreau: See, we can never have enough of Nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of his inexhaustible vigor, the sea-coast with its wrecks, the wilderness with its living and decaying tress, the thunder cloud, and the rain which lasts and produces... there we witness our own limits transgressed, and some life freely where we never even wander...

You just had to be there. Who would have suspected so large and cold and thick-skinned a thing to be so sensitive?!

Ain't this season good? It's the perfect season for all ages. It is so comfortable, its practically lulling. I am assured and almost confident of an immediate future, pleased with what I have channeled my energies into and fulfilled in my current job. But I'm giving up my leisurely lifestyle and passionate company for, what I fear might be a creatively stifling society that will not let my mind ramble and frolick in the woods.

Yet, on reading to the kids the Exodus story of the Isrealites at Sunday school this morning, God reminded me that its not just the Israelites who were insecure about wandering the desert. Psychologically, we have not changed. We would rather sell ourselves into the slavery and bondage of our civilization, whether it be the Egyptians or our earthly comforts, than be set free to claim a land running with milk and honey. And, just like the Israelites, we grumble and we complain about the heat of the desert, the sand in our eyes and the dirt in our toes. We are still plagued with an insecurity that drives us back into a type of entrapment, like the want of of leisure or creature comforts, when we know that life under the Egyptians isn't going to bring us what we imagine it will. How many times do we need to be reminded to choose life and not security because in choosing security you willl lose both liberty and security? God more than adequately provided for the Israelites, he will provide for me.

Audio: The rain on battering down the roof.
Biblio: - nada -
Cerebrio: The cultural politics of vernacular patois.