THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS

And, just to prove how unhealthily crazy my workplace is, I am told two hours before knock off that today is the Teachers' Administrative Manager's last day at work. Granted, I wasn't around the last week and a bit to be duly informed, so I can't really whup the "Japanese-don't-give-notice" sting. Still, c'mon. I was only away for 12 days!

But, notification aside, this would now mean that the entire school's administrative staff have left at least once over since I came. In all of four and half months.

Literally, there isn't anyone left at all to ask. And she was the one I was counting on to keep me in the loop about things, the one who's always "been there". No more.

Ridiculous? Worrisome? Reason for a red flag? Time to wave my white flag too?

Audio: Heavier Things by John Mayer.
Biblio: The Home and the World by Rabindranath Tagore.
Cerebrio: Concerned. Worried. A little anxious to say the least.

SOME DISTRACTIONS

The little bit of good news is that some academics from New South Wales and Victoria, and possibly Canberra, seem interested in the prospects of my project.

But its still early times to put my hopes up.

Can anyone tell me with certainty whether funding is a secondary issue if a potential academic is interested in supervision?

The other little bit of positive is that I have an interview with Ashiya International School sometimes next week. I want it, so I can leave my crazily unhealthy work enviroment. I don't want it cause I'm not sure I could commit to my uncomfortable rut anymore than till the year's end... ...

Please pray with me about it.

Off to play the character part of a wage horse.

PHYSICALLY ILL

I'm getting ready for work and its no exaggeration when I say that I'm feeling physically ill. Everytime I think about "facing" Japan, the pit of stomach spasms and my throat constricts. I would have regurgitated my breakfast in the toilet except I didn't have breakfast.

Audio: Waiting on the Sunshine by Sixpence non the richer.
Biblio: Websites.
Cerebrio: Gawd! Please help me! God!

I'M BACK. IT BITES

It's been a great 10 days back in Sydney. I'm too scared to say that it might ever be my last that I go back there as the person I am now. (I'm not ever sure that sentence has proper sense or structure but that would be an exact reflection of my mental health.) I'll go back there again, yes. But not the same chapter and maybe not even the same book in my life anymore.

But I want to go back. I'm a childish brat, spoilt silly and now I don't want to grow up. Growing up is hard to do. I did a lot of talking (in English) this week to Apes about both of us growing up and dealing with it. It ain't fun at all. Why on earth didn't I become an adult at sixteen when I knew all there was to know about the world?

Other horrible truths... major disapointment around church that shake my world too; involves mates, good friends, their partners, some trading of their ex's and now husbands and wives. Our conversation topics are so horribly real and grown up, so complex that we pare it down to simple english. No more intellectual idiolect.

The chances of me going back as the person I want to go back as: 15%. That is a completely arbitary calculation according to what I think is the potential of a scholarship coming through. I could fund my own education but that would be a real drag to my non-existent finances. And as it turns out, anything short of a PhD would do me no good for immigration purposes. So heres to the rest of my life...

I know, I should just wise up and get with the program. But its bloody hard! However, should that 10% possibility come through, I'm still looking down the barrel of a different gun from now onwards. A different set of rules altogether. A different set of people. A different set of social structures. Possibly even a different state even. So, what life is showing me is that I'll never get back to before (doh!). Things have changed. My friends are still my lovely friends and we all love each other so dearly but as much as we hate it, we're all being pulled away from our comfort zones.

So, it was good that I went back. It was a reality check. Of sorts. I finally told the Ape the big secret. I hope it goes down well. I'm still afraid that what the Ape and I have will not make it the length. Man, I didn't even get to meet Plummer, who was so intricately involved in my college development years! or Pidgeon my spiritual mentor! Who is to say... Okay, I already know it, I already know it will happen. Godamnit Chilibuddy, snap out of it and don't play nostalgic! But I can't help it. I can't close my eyes, pretend and deny the natural state of affairs of life. Well, I can and I want to but I shouldn't.

Well, the Ape and I are truly scared about the curveballs coming at us. I'm sure this goes as well for the rest of our friends. I'm glad I found a support network at church. Life is just a bit mad. Can't help it that it makes us all go a bit batty.

CurlySu on the other hand is taking ages to make a decision. It eats me up that she can have exactly the thing I want but cannot make the decision herself. Its quite possible I've never been this envious of my sister before... There's only a 5% chance of me whereas she can have it if she wants it. (Notice the percentage numbers are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling...)

The morning of my flight back here, I felt physically ill at the thought of it that I could not hold down my breakfast. And I felt ill some more when I landed. Since I came in at night, I've managed to escape looking on to Japan and have been hiding in my apartment so that I will not have to face up to Japan. On the flight back on a lousy JAL craft, I caught Along Came Polly. B-grade movie except for the saving grace of Aniston. Anyway somewhere in the movie someone said something about life never going the way you want it too, all the dissapoints you can expect to face and all that. And since you already know that, you might as well enjoy it. Okay, that didn't come out right at all.... the point is, enjoy the ride anyway.

I try. Why can't i just see it as another 6 months in Japan? 6 months isn't long at all! I know if for a fact. Here, I imagine that one day, when I'm deluded in another comfortable rut, I'll say ever so nonchalently, "Yeah, I spent a year in Japan..." My last five years just flew by in the bat of an eyelid. The exhileration, the joy, the pain, the crushed hopes, all of it gone so fast. What is 6 months? I tell you what it is, its not a chronological timeframe of a physical presense in foriegn country. It's a paralysing fear - and just thinking about it makes my throat choke - of the unknown. When I think about and if I pretend that I can look forward to becoming a junior academe once more next year, my head goes, "you better enjoy your next six months". But when I snap myself out of that dream, my brain goes into freezeframe. Of all the things I've had and could choose from (or not as it were). It's knowing where you are going to be at 25, then getting there and not knowing what the plan is for the next 25 to come. Or the next 20, or 10 or 5 or even next year.

My thoughts are still convoluted and I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss "so, how was Sydney?" with the people here. "How is Sydney?" is more than just Sydney, its about my life you see, its about the wildest desires of my heart, its about my very treasured hopes, the ones I hold and grip on to so tightly yet with such fatalistic resignation that I don't know where I've let go and where God takes control.

God help me, man.

Audio: Electrolite by R.E.M.
Biblio: Tales from a Broad by Fran Lebowitz.
Cerebrio: My minds a bowl of mixed nuts.

YOUR WILL BE DONE (Can you make it your will?)

Leave for Sydney tonight. Almost haven't been this excited about going to Sydney since... my very first time. Maybe not so much but previously, its been just one of those things that I have had to deal with jetsetting around. Oh how tiresome!

Now, I want out just as much as I wanted then. Ironic.

I have many things to do. Words gone around in HCO. One of the things I have to do is forward a response to a school who has requested I email them my formal resume. Obviously I have to do it in the next 12 hours before I leave, while the kettle is still hot and not wait till I come back. Cross your fingers and pray really hard after that. It could mean my happiness for the next six months if its God's will. Oh make it your will!

Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor

Man, some of ISEAS' senior academics are downright offensive. I swear, if ever I get to a point I'm sought after, I know who I won't give the time of day to.

The replies from institutes and universities outside of Singapore, are worlds apart.... If our academics who are part of the think-tank in "Remaking Singapore" cannot even open their eyes, what hope does Singapore really have for change? I'm not even asking for a positive or favourable reply, but there is no need to brush me off with a "Find details from the webpage. No advice. Go search on the web." WTF?!?! You think I don't know that? Why else would I bother to enquire for advice as to where people are working and on the various fields of research in ISEAS? This stinks of elitism.

Ace-ing everything sans Chinese, pioneering Bioinformatics at Ngee Ann, getting involved in the Harvard Project for Asian International Relations, Ambassadors for my institutes, only International student in my honours cohort doesn't buy enough clout even for an enquiry? Singapore, Singapore, when will I ever be good enough for you? What did I do that you hold against me?When will you ever learn?

Well, my consolation is that Jesus said the words, "Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor." And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.

Audio: Concerto for 2 Mandolins in G, Andante by Antonio Vivaldi.
Biblio: -/-
Cerebrio: Frustrated. Dissapointed.

IT'S ELECTION TIME

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked ou t of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

> > > > ----------------------------------------------

Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

* * * * *

I didn’t sleep well last night because I was excited. Not excited because I’m going leaving for Sydney on wednesday - that is more like a relief like an outlet valve for decompression. Excited because I wondered about “what ifs”. So many what-ifs. So many possibilities. So many things I want. So many things I’m afraid to admit, too afraid to hope for.

Anyway, got into a minor accident this afternoon at work. On the way to the postoffice to send of an important document, my keys got jammed up at the front of my bike. Wanting it not to get it mixed up in the wheels I try to reach it to yank it out of the grill but in doing so my bike starts to veer right and next thing I know I'm screeching tyres and brakes and greeting someone's porch grill with a kiss on my cheek.

It's only a minor abrasion and thank goodness I wasn't riding on the road when this happened. But there goes my perfect complexion for this weekend's photoshoots!

Dear God,

Thank you for a good weekend of fun and encouragement. Thank you for Suma Beach at Kobe. Thank you for being sovereign in my life. Thank you for doing the things you do, for bringing me here even if I still don’t know why and don’t enjoy it either. Thank you for possessing me to work on graduate school. Thank you for teaching me the things I‘ve learnt in the process. Thank you for sending the responses my way. Thank you for making human beings, making us, making me hopeful, for giving us hopes and emotions. Lord, help me to commit my heart’s desires into your hand. Help me surrender to your will. Take my hopes, my dreams and make them real for me. Lord, help me to also accept where my desires and hopes are not fulfilled. Help me then, not to be resigned and disenchanted but to learn to continually keep having faith in you. Lord, I pray for favour in applying for graduate research. I pray you will show me option to pursue these interests. Show me how I can finance these research. Grant me favour in the eyes of the decision makers. Lord, specifically, I pray that the application letters and references letters I have sent and will send out will reach the designated addresses safely and on time and not be lost in the mail.

Lord, I also pray for the coming week. Watch over my family as they travel from Singapore to Sydney. Lord, help mom enjoy her airplane ride. Give Dad enough sleep in the plane and Su-ann not be miserable apart from Daniel. Lord, you make our ten days together worthy of ten years. Give us a great time as a family during this holiday. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet my folks. Thank you for them. Lord, I also pray that the time I will spend with my friends in Sydney will be encouraging to them and to me. I pray that you hold the sun and the moon as we spend it and treasure the time together. Help me also gain perspective and insight into how the near future will unfold for me. Give me patience with my family, give me wisdom and words to share with them my thoughts and troubles. Lord, help me get safely to the airport, grant the pilots who will fly us into Sydney, good nights rest. Grant us all journey mercies. Lord, amen.

Audio: Scissor Sisters by Laura on Virginradio UK.
Biblio: -/-
Cerebrio: What will my life look like 10 years from now?

MEMBER OF COUNCIL

It's still early stages, but one of the members of the IPCS council replied in an email:

Your work on Singapore sounds very interesting - I certainly would be interested in reading your thesis and research proposal. I am also more than happy to circulate it amongst the members of our nascent Singapore Studies community here in Melbourne.

If you are considering applying to universities in Melbourne I'd be happy to provide advice as to where people are working and on the various options which might be open to you. Should you come to Melbourne we'd love to have you become involved in the affairs of the Institute. Our events and programmes more broadly would be of interest to you as you work up your material on postcoloniality and contemporary Singapore. There are also lots of opportunities to become involved in the day to day affairs of the Institute - we'd love to have you on board!

I assume you have already checked out our website, over the next month or so we will be putting up details of our second semester programme. Of course we'd be thrilled if you became a member of the Institute.

I do hope we'll have an opportunity to meet - and to work together.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes, Obendorf


Would you love me and be thrilled enough to offer me a scholarship? Here's to hoping. And, even if nothing comes out of it, its always pleasant to know someone finds my work interesting. :-)

Audio: Bugz from the rice paddies
Biblio: Emails.
Cerebrio: Jules sent me Ice Age and Love Actually DVDs to cheer me up all the way from Adelaide! Lovely, lovely, lovely!

TLY the MVM: My Virtual Model

When I return from Sydney at the end of the month and if my request for a transfer doesn't follow through - which it won't, I was already told a "NO" even before processing it but I insisted that it be "brought to the notice of relevant authorities" in any case - and if I have decided that I will leave the company in the last quarter of the year, if all that, then I might as well live my last quarter here trying to be happy.

What you may not be able to tell by looking at me now, is that I am exercise junkie in rehab. I haven't been to the gym in awhile because working and coming home late after 8pm really don't allow for it and that it siphons about Y8000 a month. What I haven't got used to, is not paying my usual dirt-cheap gym gold memberships scored at the local gyms in Sydney complete with full Les Mill class options. In English.

But if I'm am going to stick around for awhile, I might as well find something to do around here and try to get endorphine-happy... The cost of happiness at Y8000, AUD$105, SGD$125 a month is not cheap.

BAITED

I'm a little dissapointed. Little because, I'm still hoping things will turn around. Sent out 6-7 emails this morning to various people regarding the work I've done and what I want to do. Eight hours later, not one of them has been baited.

They probably will not reply. Gosh, it was such an extensive email, who in their right mind on another work day would want to be pouring over it?

It was too long. Shites.

Maybe, I'm too impatient.

But I want to know!

So, now who's hanging on with baited breath? Not them.

On the other hand, regarding last night's double date dinner with said Japanese lad. It was O.K.

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Thank God he hedges me in with (language) barriers before I'm baited in my time of weakness! ;-) Amen desho?

Audio: I'm Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado on Radiostorm.
Biblio: The Book of Luke.
Cerebrio: Oh c'mon! Lemme know! Lemme know! Someone say something!!!!

FIGHTING THE LONELINESS

When Tsubaki took me for a walk two weekends ago, we (or maybe just I) stumbled across a quaint little stone hut at the mouth of the trail entrance (we walked in the reverse direction for some reason).

Being the shy person that the Japanese are, he still has not called. But a source reckons he's shown interest (just not to me). Well, so be it. We're all meeting for some sort of double date do on wednesday since I get of work a little earlier than usual. Even though I did have a nice time with the lad and am intrigued, I am (not so) surprisingly detached from it.

The weekend past was a great one. Much too much to put in verbatim. I went to Ikoma to meet Lizelle and Misa and I learnt how to make umeboshi or umeshu which is the same basic alcoholic beverage used to make the more marketable "tonic" wine of the same pronounciation, yomeishu which is really Japanese and not Chinese as most people think. See how sly Japanese marketing is? Umeshu is simply ume + shoju + 3 months (at least) of patience. Like any good bottle of vino, it gets better with age. Add in a variety of herbal extracts and hey presto you have yourself some expensive "tonic" wine. So, as you can expect I took the opportunity to learn how to make my own "varieties" too ;-). Be nice to me if you want The Chilibuddy's very own personalized touch for your Christmas pressie. :-D

We saved the ethanol so we wouldn't waste away the evening at ballet. Modern Japanese ballet to Taiko drumming. Bizarre to say the least but interesting. They also did peices to The Gladiator soundtrack. Quite beside myself watching these Japanese butterflies flitter across the stage to the sounds of miliary might.

The engine is rolling. Finished my first application pack for graduate school and sent it off. I don't expect this one to come back with good news. I've possibly set myself up too hig but its more like, something to warm me up and whet my appetite.

9 more days. Excited and not. Keeping my hopes in check cause I don't want to make coming back here any harder than it is - but I intend of course to fully enjoy myself while I'm there. I don't know how that will work.

Audio: The hum of the A/C.
Biblio: Graduate schools prospectuses & applications.
Cerebrio: When did I lose my excitement for the wiles of the heart? When did I stop loving and loving life? Am I just a more "mature" and jaded shadow of my former self? Have my senses been dulled from being here? Or is my heart and God telling me something else?

SEVEN

Things that you always carry on yourself everyday
1. ke-tai aka my mobile phone [and camera]
2. iPod
3. keys: apartment + bike
4. Wallet
5. A rail & subway map of Osaka
6. Notebook journal for whenever the thought strikes
7. and a book of choice. Currently: Pocket NIV

Groups of valuable things/persons in your life
1. God & Salvation
2. My family
3. My lifesupport: April Roberts (My partner in Crime and Mission), Joshua Plummer (The one that made college bearable), Eugene (A girl needs her champion), Trace (The older sister I never had), Janine (The Twin I wish I had), Reuben (The Ideal I used to have, now off the market) and Tay (Who'll accept me for everything and anything).
4. My iBook
5. My libary collection of books.
6. Food. I love food. I live for food. I want to be food.
7. Art & Culture. Very important to my sanity.

Things about yourself
1. Bibliophile.
2. Shy but mistaken-for-gregarious and gung-ho,
3. Because goal-driven at the danger of personal relationships.
4. Closet romantic.
5. I pass gas and burp when I'm hungry and not after a meal.
6. Learning to speak Japanese.
7. Ex-communicated genetics researcher in paediatric hematology. *shudder*

Activities that you do daily
1. Sleep
2. Internet: WWW., email, blog.
3. Check weather forecasts & news.
4. Scheme ways to take over the world.
5. Then feel utterly dejected when I recognize the stakes against me,
6. So, I write out my discouragements and then,
7. Talk to God about them.

Things that you imagine you'd want to do in future
1. Be an influential cabinet member of parliament.
2. Be a published author of recognized cultural literature.
3. Do full time mission work.
4. Travel the world. More.
5. Learn to cook like my mom.
6. Get married and make beautiful children.
7. Play the drums / Learn Japanese Taiko drumming

Memorable movies/songs
1. Lady in Red. Reminds me my first relationship.
2. Round and Round and Round... by The Cure. Reminds me of my second relationship.
3. Fly Me To The Moon. Reminds me of my third relationship. There are no more worth noting. :-P
5. Beautiful Day by U2. Reminds me of freedom I acquired. We're not referring to salvation here.
4. These Days by Powderfinger. Reminds me of when I found the cost of of my freedom.
6. Raise High the Red Lattern. The day/week/month I found out what my education was really worth.
7. Feel by Robbie Williams. Reminds me of who I am.

Favourite places/dates
1. 28 Kismis Green. Especially my walk-up and the alfresco backyard.
2. Sapphire Coast, South NSW.
3. Glebe
4. My apartment in Sydney.
5. The harbour: Sydney Opera House, Museum of Contemporary Art, Art Gallery NSW.
6. Kamagawa River in Kyoto. When I realised I was really here.

and for extra spice,
One thing you never knew
I used to wear a fire-engine red pair of jeans. Especially to church. They were my favs. Oh the folly of my youth!

IDENTITY & IMAGINATION

I have been busy. Between episodic marathons of american sitcoms - *ahem* The Last few of FRIENDS. Ooh, I'm so sad its over. I've grown up with them. Literally! - and graduate school reseach and hacking out my research proposal I haven't done very much. Not even this weeks laundry and today is the only hot sunny day for another 4 days!

In a country with no joint history between the four ethnicities, Singapore’s true cultural identity lies in the outcomes of its polyglot community. In Singapore’s appropriation of the language given to them by their colonizers, the community transformed its adopted pidgin language into it to a uniquely South East Asian flavour of English. This is a natural post-colonial condition that should be given consideration in remaking Singapore. Singapore English is one of its most natural cultural formations and should not be dismissed in “Speak Good English” campaigns...

By adopting the models of post-colonial language and literary theories used to study the West-Indies’ post-colonial condition, I also want to ask how Singaporean authors imagine and present Singapore on paper and identify themselves as Singaporean writers. By looking back into the language used, both a mixture of the standard English and Singaporean English, in their literal creations of Singapore, we can find out the strategies and cultural identifiers used to present Singapore and further the debate on the Singapore Identity and Imagination.

Audio: "I'll be there for you... cause you're there for me too...."
Biblio: The Empire Writes Back by Bill Ashcroft, Gareth Griffiths and Helen Tiffin.
Cerebrio: oh gawd. They are so gonna hate my proposal.