TV IS BORING

This evening, with some time to spare, I decided to finally watch something on the telly. I thought I might put on Clerks II or 50 First Dates but the player wasn't working so I settled in to watch something called "Alternative Sports" on the english channel. Something about radio controlled car racing, horse jockeying and go-karting.

"Alternative" on telly was so boring that it made me start to doze off but I persisted in clocking 30 minutes at least... over the last 6 months! I thought I was tired so I wanted to take a nap but in bed, I was not going into dreamland.

One and a half hours later, I've studied some reading strategies to teach, prepped some lesson plans, planned a 15 minute devotion and read a chapter on Teenage Behavioral Management.

I don't think I was tired. I think TV is boring. I guess that's why I don't watch TV.

OH MY GOD

I can't believe it happened.... and I cannot quite get my head around what happens next! OMG!

Work & Life

I've now been fruitfully working in the school for four weeks. I guess I was doing the same before being assigned to this school but less 'fruitfully' although in a similarly educationally fulfilling way.

To pep me for the rest of this career, Andy and I spent a long weekend away from the maddening crowd (of school) at a beach where there were few people, the sand was white and the water was clear and blue enough. And I took no photos because we did nothing at all except what you should do at a beach resort. Eat. Swim. Lie. Eat. Swim. Beach. Sand. Lie. Rinse. Repeat.

And that seems like so long ago even though it was only seven days past. Now, I am back in the full swing of things. I felt I was swimming in the deep end the last few weeks - and I still am but yesterday felt like the end of a good day of work. I've been warned that teaching in Singapore is and will be more punishing and that I should expect to put in heaps of time in it.

I'm the sort who will put in heaps just to stay afloat. But I realize that work will never be done. Still, I'm trying to figure out how best to pace myself so that I pursue the right thing in this line. And what is the right thing? For me, the biggest fear is that I will let my lesser self turn into the perfectionist, work-a-holic that I can be in order to maintain control over my career. There is nothing wrong in being good at work - until it has to sacrifice the more important things.

Finally, after a long week, I have done nothing except tinkle with my computer and lie in bed thinking, "Is my life going to be any more than this?" and "how can I make my life more fruitful than just being fruitful at work".

Does a day or week go by when I don't wonder, "have I made today worth living?"

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT WORK

So, I have been missing and by no excuse because of work. I really dread becoming a lamenting lemming blaming and bitching on work. So, I won't write about how it feels to be in The System. Suffice to say that I got a 0 for Compliance on my DISC test.

I was reflecting some bit about what I've accomplished with my time here... Back in Japan (and in Australia), I was quite satisfied with all the things I did and accomplished, it made me feel it was worthwhile to be there and that I made more than full use of the time I was afforded. Beyond the average. I guess a lot of that satisfaction came from giving to the community and people. Instead of using my time by simply 'taking'. I got more from giving.

But its such an easy trap to fall into, making full use of the opportunities that come by through validating how much one can take and receive and internalize. I've realized that I'm falling into the trap too. I've been at school, learning new ideas, pedagogies and theories, I've made new friends and I re-established old ones. I validate the last couple of months I've moved back to Singapore by what I've done (for myself) because I've not done much else for others except building relationships.

That is not to say that relationship building is unimportant but that I don't know how much difference I've really made to others. I tell myself not to get too involved (I said this same thing in Japan...) not to get too drained because I have a lot on my plate this year and that I'll need all the energy I can muster to make it through. And so, I just take, take and take because I think "I don't have anything to give".

I think its about time I started returning something to the community (above and beyond what I can do at work - and what can I do at work. Really.) but one wonders how much I can do about that this season. I know I need other avenues beyond work but I keep hearing myself say I need to put more into work so I can be good at it and I haven't heard myself say what I can do for others for quite awhile...

It's always about me.