Wow, we have been married three months and Andy is off on a sports convention over the week. I had a think about this... In someways, I was looking forward to some solo time to refocus.
Before a lot of things happened in general, I'm the sort of person who had no qualms whatsoever about spending most the weekend with herself. After a whole week of being with kids who demanded every ounce of my attention, I quite enjoyed the silence of being by myself. I also enjoyed that I had a somewhat fixed schedule and a bevy of dependable friends I saw in between. But mostly, I remember my sunday mornings sitting on my balcony in my PJs, piped worship music behind me while I breakfasted with bible on my lap and then a real solo sesh with God and whatever it was I was to learn.
That was true worship for me. I can't recall much how I'd spend the arvo - perhaps just taking in sabbath for what it truly is supposed to be - and then maybe Friessen would rock up and we'd watch a flick or make dinner or jump on his foldable bike and head to Indian for dinner with lots of vanilla lassi. That's how I remember my sundays. That was a long time ago.
H once asked me how one would manage to come so far from there. I honestly don't know and I can't say it would have been my initiative to do so. But then Andy came along and very soon we were one and so you can't be one if one half of you is somewhere you're not. And so, I just learnt to adapt and realize that if I could be comfortable enough to be who I was (most of the time) - the way I was alone - when I was with him, then he was it.
I realize after living for three months with a person (well, after being an
other half and having an
other half), not having that person around feels kinda weird. In many ways, I miss what things used to be but I love how things are now. Sometimes I really struggle with wanting both worlds. At least every other day, I think about how life used to be before I moved here. I suppose it would also be true to say that I used to think how life was in Sydney before I moved to Japan.
Life here, now, has some routine. Some of which I truly look forward to; like playing tennis at least once or twice a week. But, my life now completely revolves around two major things. My work and my husband. And even then, time to for each other is not easy to get. I also love variety so we try to schedule in friends to bless them and be blessed. Recently, I prayed that A and I would find a good married couple to befriend. We love our single friends but we also need to find some married couples to feedback our struggles on - like, who does the cleaning and how often is it done? I think God may have just provided that couple-friend - so many years ago in Sydney, I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and mix-up with a variety of local students. I had a regular biblestudy with the local aussies, a study I led with overseas christian students and a buddy group which met once a week for prayer over lunch with the local aussie chinese. Eventually, one of these lovely girls decided to move to Singapore - about the same time I moved to Japan - and by the time I moved back and got engaged, so did she with a local boy! When A and I settled into church, a old friend of mine invited us to join him and lo and behold! There they were. Their wedding was not too far off from ours and now that the dust is settling, we've found time to reconnect again. We share a love of sashimi and tennis and God has given us those opportunities to fellowship together.
Anyway, this is meaning to say that life is very different now and I am still adapting. Will I ever think back fondly of this period in time? I want to hope that there will be somethings, then at least I know it won't have been so bad. But my longing for something else, a certain uneasiness I have with things around me wants things to move forward and quickly. Yet, just this weekend, in reading
I Would Die For You - a story about BJ Higgins, a 16 year old who died after contracting the bubonic plague from a mission trip - God has reminded me that I also need to be very present here, very content here, very ready to give up
my dreams for His and ever always to seek His heart first so that I can be fully filled and prepared for what is to come. I am also learning how to balance time for work, time for God and time with A.
In many ways, I have not been as honest as I used to be on this blog. Initially, I wanted to find all ways to be positive about where I was and how I was doing. But what I am most frustrated about is what I am failing in (duh!). I find I have less luxury of time to bask alone with Him, to be alone with Him as I used to be whether on the beach in Sydney or on my balcony in Kobe. But to say that there is no time to spend with God because of how busy Singapore is sounds like a cop out to me.
Yet, I have little choice about how much time I need to spend at work. I do not need so much pay, but I cannot find a job that pays me what I need. Instead, most jobs pay much more than I want and leave me little time that I need. I can choose to work and have no time or have lots of time and no work. There is little chance to meet at the 'half-way'. Yet, I believe this is part of God's will for my life in this season. I am under service bond for another 2 years and the work I do is impactful in His Kingdom. If I chose to leave now, I would lack expertise is something that He has probably decided will be useful for alter, not to mention all the poorer for mission work. He has made this possible and it is not time for me to leave yet. Perhaps he is training me to make living his Kingdom out in my life possible in ALL circumstance.
I am a slow learner...
God, help me to re-focus on you. Give me the courage to move beyond the sin of failing to trust you and making independent choices without seeking your will for my life first. Remind me constantly that regardless of my lack of trust, that you are in control of all the outcomes in my life. Help me to give up my life and my dreams, to learn who I am to be for your glory.
