COMPLETE AGAIN. NATURALLY.

After few rounds of the ECP circuit on a brand new pair of K2's, I have buggered up the old injury on my right knee cartilage. Its not disasterously bad but its on heat treatment to aleviate the pressure. Was heaps fun doing rounds with Trace, Grace and Praise. Alan turned up as my chariot-of-the-day in a flashy red Mitsubishi Evo IV.. or was it VI? Not sure if I was supposed to be honoured or embarassed.

Long day, but had some quiet time to think about "young jet-setting" emo things while driving around picking up my gear and last minute shopping. I really want to get all my thoughts down. Must carry PDA with me more often. Speaking of which, all my gear has finally arrived home after a fiasco at Airfrieght and Cargo center, cables and all. Clie included. Complete again, technologically!

So, here are some late photos...


The Christmas Partee - The Curlysu: my fashionsista!


Christmas party - after one too many bottles of champagne, egg nog and wino.


Jamba Shrimp's back from US. We catch up over brekkie and visit our highschool.


Blog girls meet up for brekkie at The original Killeney Road kopitiam store.


Energizer battery & Duracell Bunny recharge on a diet of fat, protein and sugar: kaya butter toast, soft-boiled eggs and ice-meelo-peng.


Trace & Grace having a hard-earned feast of char kuey teow and something that resembles chicken schnitzel.

Audio: Cha cha cha De Amor by Dean Martin
Biblio: Lonely Planet - Japan.
Cerebrio: More excited now than scared!

A l'Infinité et au delà de!

A few years ago, a good friend wrote this of me:

"When attempting to describe true beauty, one is often struck by the usual inadequacy of the usual adjectives; elegant, beautiful, attractive. On attempting to accurately describe The Chilibuddy, the poverty, of these superlatives as a result of their overuse becomes alarmingiy apparent. A l'Infinité et au delà de!"

You flatterer, you. But thank you so much, you've made my days so much better.

FIRST CONTACT

Its been over a week since first contact with Joshua. I have yet to receive a response.

I'm almost convinced that its not going to happen, not at least this time around. Given that he didn't return my call the second time around. HJ, ever the close and supportive friend, but non-christian voice of reason, said anymore attempts and I could be mistaken for being a stalker. So, I'm moving on and giving this a rest.

I'm leaving this for some other later time. Give Joshua more space and God more time to do something. Maybe next time around when I come back. Or maybe that's it for forever.

At least sending the SMS clearly indicating my position has given me closure.

Bring on the men!

BLOG WITH NO TITLE

Ho hum. I woke up today and the first thought that ran through my mind was, "exactly, how many days before I leave? I think it should be 10 by now." TEN?!?! Where did time go? How did the days just fly by? And then I woke up for real.

Mild panic begins to set in. Attempt to pack in aid of its relief, but forced to lie down because of butterflies in my stomach. Slightly nauseous. Wonder if its physiological.

Audio: Born to try by Delta Goodrem.
Biblio: -
Countdown #: 10 days.

MY MID-20s

I don't mean to be a wetblanket or anything but the whole year end - new year thing does drive one into introspection about life, the universe and everything else.

You know you've crossed a border-line in your life when your friends get engaged and you're receiving wedding invites in the mail. Then you cross another line when those wedding invites turn into baby showers. But its a whole new ball game when the big news is who most recently got seperated from their partners and who got divorced. Better yet if the gossips about who got how much alimony! Okay, I'm just kidding. It's quite disconcerting.

Audio: Ashoken Farewell by Jay Ungar.
Biblio: Aphrodite: the love of food and the food of love by Isabel Allende. FOOD PORN!
Cerebrio: Did the waits at Embargo simply assume that I was giving a $5 tip when I gave a $30 for a $25 bill? What happened to the idea of change?

RESOLUTION #3: EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE

Watched Love Actually (is all around). It’s a very hopeful movie. Gave me hope about love and being loved, even when it comes to across cultures and across languages. Well, there were some parts that were sad and unfortunate. But, for me, it wasn’t mostly about the success of the outcomes, but that we pursue the opportunities and knock on the doors we chance upon.

Opportunities arn’t placed on a platter and then presented to you. Yes, as the song goes, "...all around me, its everywhere I go...". It's really what you make of the circumstances you find yourself in, whether you make the most of them, what you do or sometimes, don’t do, with them and with what tenacity you go after them. I almost want to take the last phrase back because it really isn’t all about what you do, a lot of the time I believe it's how you let or if you let God do what he wills with it and with you.

When it all boils down, I wonder if I’ve made the most of the opportunies God has presented to me over the last four years I’ve spend in Australia. Was I a good steward of my few hundred thousand dollar education and all the opportunities that it offered? Oppotunities to love others and to be loved, to give and to be given, to share Christ, to be a good christian person and example to others, to influence others for the better, to help make someone’s day a little better, to bring a smile on someone’s face, to help another where I can, to make this world just that little bit easier to deal with. I think I’ve made the most out of a lot of opportunities presented to me. I think I fare better on the scorecard on a lot of counts, than the average Singaporean overseas/international student studying there. But, the one count I know I have definitely not fared well in is in love. In fact, being emotionally available is something I’ve learnt fairly late... but that is all in the past.

What matters now is I learn the lessons from what God has presented to me. And, I’m going to let God make me a more emotionally available person, someone ready to love others and readier to accept love, to let my shield and guard down, to trust God that he’ll take care of what needs taking care of, even my heart and if and when it starts hurts, and I'm sure it will - we live in a fallen world - , to continue to have faith in Him that he’ll take care of it and make it turn out for the best. I need to learn to trust God with my heart. God, help me learn to trust you with my heart.

MAILER DEMONS!

"MAILER-DAEMON message from yahoo.com, unable to deliver message to the following address. Remote host said: 550 Invalid recipient. Giving up on 192.169.41.202."

NO! What's wrong with the mailer-daemon?! How can it give up when I haven't? Oh! This is out of my hands already. I think I can honestly say, I've tried my best and covered most of my options.

God, do your special thing here. I submit this to you. It's truly beyond what I can do to finish this business. It's always been your hand in it from the start, so move mountains and mailer-daemons so we can have reconciliation and teach us to love each other as you loved us.

LONG OVERDUE

Dear Joshua,

I wonder if you got my sms I sent to you over the weekend? I was hoping to get a response to gauge what you thought about it.

Just in case you didn't receive it or perhaps feel uncomfortable speaking about it, and although this has been long in coming, I would like to let you know that I am sorry if I behaved badly toward you and for witholding forgiveness. I hope you'll accept my apologies.

You should know too, that I've forgiven you too and I don't want to hold any grudges. I had a good think about this a few months ago and the turn of events regarding our falling out turned out to be a blessing in disguise. As you already know, I head off to Japan for work in a few weeks so if you have the time and feel up to it, I'd like to catch up and find out how you're doing before I depart for Japan. Hope to hear from you soon. Blessings to you and P---- (his girlfriend).

Regards, The Chilibuddy

COLD relief

I'm no quaker or puritan. Thank God for the miracle of biochemistry, pseudoephdrine hydrocholride and parecetemol!

On the matter of unfinished business. I haven't seen Joshua yet. But I have made contact. That was a little fiasco, itself still unresolved. I called him on his mobile saturday morning, all prepared to eat humble pie and reconcile. But being the busy doctor, it did the doctor's beep instead. I decided not to leave my number but forgot that it would register on his phone anyway. He called back asking who called for him and took me surprise because I was just rushing out of the door to go pick mum up from work. The rushed phone conversation was anything but reality.

"Oh, I was back and thought we could catch up." Now, we haven't talked or even exchanged glances for over two years... the last thing I wanted was to come across as old mates just catching up. But obviously, I'd lost that sombre tone I was hoping to acheive initially.

Eventually I decided to SMS him to indicate more clearly my intention of calling him to see if he was comfortable meet up so I could say sorry for how badly I behaved and let him know that he'd been forgiven and it was blessing and all that...

Hi. Sorry, was in a rush just now, didn’t explain my purpose of calling clearly. Wanted to find out if you were comfortable having a chat. I think I would like to finish our unresolved business. Would appreciate it if I could let you know in person that I’m sorry where I've behaved badly and that I’ve forgiven you. How?

That was on saturday - he still hasn't replied to that SMS. I resolve not to obsess on its implications (hence this blog), I'm sure it would have taken him by surprise too. But I'll call in the next few days anyway to make my intention absolutely clear. I have to admit, at the point of sending off and awaiting the answer, I have found out just how much I have wanted to close this chapter and how Satan still tries to cloud it in pride.

It can be up to him if Joshua so chooses either way out but at leasts I'll have known what I would have done. Honestly, finally, I really would have liked to be on easy terms with him and let the whole fiasco die its natural death.

God, please prepare our hearts for a real reconciliation.

VITAMIN C AND LOTS OF WATER

The last thing anyone wants happening on a short vacation back home is to start falling sick. *sniff* And I thought I was doing a fairly good job of being healthy and restful. I guess the smokes at the Marina steamboat bbq was not very helpful. But to be fair, there is usually no one time when I have come home for a visit where I don't fall sick due to the climate change. *aahh-choooo!*

Urgh.

NEVER REALLY FOUND A PLACE THAT I CALL HOME.

I never stick around quite long enough to make it.
I apologize that once again I'm not in love,
But it's not as if I mind,
that your heart ain't exactly breaking.

It's just a thought, only a thought.

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy,
Well, I deserve nothing more than I get.
Cause, nothing I have is truly mine.

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea,
To travel the world alone and live more simply.
I have no idea what's happened to that dream,
And there's really nothing left here to stop me.

It's just a thought, only a thought.

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get.
Cause, nothing I have is truly mine.

While, my heart is a shield and I won't let it down -
While, I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try -
Well, how can I say I'm alive?