SELF ABSORBED

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship, I daresay I don't know how to relate to others as being one half of a couple. I've so long thought about myself as just solely responsible to no other and others relating to me as a solo entity. It's a funny feeling indeed to still want to be part of the solo set, when you're not quite sure about what it means to be dating. I'm the worst when it comes to over analyzing these things.

It's a transitional time indeed. I don't know whether life will get better or worse. It's just running away from one set of problems into another. My problem is that my problems are all I can think about when changes are happening to everyone around me. At the same time, as is my usual pattern, I am completely delusional about these things and pretend they arn't happening either. This is fine if its just me. Not so fine if it concerns others. There's a whole bunch of people leaving - a reminder of why I too wanted to leave - in the next four weeks and I have just blocked that out in my head. I really should face up to my realities.

Audio: Fighter Christina Arguilera.
Biblio: The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge.
Cerebrio: I'm sure it will come to me naturally - I just need time.

THE PLAN IS

The dates are tentative, but my plans are set.

July 4th - 13th : Thailand, BKK and Ko Samui!
July 14th - 23rd: Myanmar.
July 24th - Sept 6th: Singapore!

Audio: -/-
Biblio: The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge.
Cerebrio: OMG! A Two month summer vacation from work! :-D

COMING TO A DECISION

A decision has been made.

I will be staying on in Japan for another year.

OMG. Did I read right?!

Audio: Rock Your World by Justin Timberlake.
Biblio: The Scared Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge.
Cerebrio: Stick with it... stick with it... stick with it...

JUST TWO THINGS

Two things struck me today in prayer and counsel.

[1] I have let it slip me by completely that my job here, my work in AIS, is a purpose to be in Japan. In the busyness of the school year, I have so easily forgotten that my job = my mission = my purpose. So my saying, "I need a purpose to be in Japan" has completely fallible because I already have a purpose here which I could not fulfill anywhere else. I could not teach like this in any other international school anywhere else in the world without a full Teaching Certificate. I could not teach my students of the love of God and His word in any other school like this. I would not have this much freedom in teaching syllabuses, methodology and content.

I cannot stress enough that I do have a job that I love. I love that I don't have to deck up in smarts to work. I love that I can romp around the classroom. I love that I can be such a child. I love that I can see how much the kids grow. I love that I can teach the love of God. What is one more year of doing just that?

[2] And secondly, I have so easily forgotten my own good advice - that whatever longing we may hope to find in our partners, will never and I stress that again, never, be fulfilled 100% by any one other than God, in anywhere other than Heaven. Cliched? You bet. That longing is the very thing that was taken away when mankind fell from Eden. No man on earth will ever satisfy that longing.

No woman either. No girlfriend or bestfriend, or mate to keep you from loneliness in a foreign country. They're only there as a gift from God. The loneliness of a nomad - and we all are nomads someway or other - likewise falls into that same category of longing. I have been, no. I am so overwhelmed at the thought of being in Japan without Laura that it chokes me. So afraid that I will not find another good friend to eek out a life with in such a emotionally dry place that it paralyzes me.

But then, I must remember that no one will ever satisfy 100%, that longing, that loneliness for heart-to-heart communions. And I suppose should I choose to stay on, that living without a really tight friend can be my reminder no one will ever satisfy me completely anyway. Not another good friend, not Laura and not Chip either. And that could be good for me too.

These two things could be the very reason why I felt like I wanted to leave Japan and in that haste chose Thailand. The devil has ways to disillusion us. That I didn't have any reason to be in Japan. It wasn't enough that I have a good job with a good compensation, a great apartment near the beach and a good life - honestly, what more can anyone ask for now? Or that the prospect of not having a close friend in Japan is too daunting even to consider when in truth no friend close enough would ever fill that gap. Of course, it doesn't change that I'm going to be sad to lose one of my bestfriends.

Audio: -/-
Biblio: The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge.
Cerebrio: Oh, just about a million and one things. But may the peace of God transcend every one of those million and one things.

WOW

It seems life is about to go through many changes. It's a bit overwhelming to think about how different things might be in a few months time; if, when, who, what and why.

Having discussed this situation, I think I can now reveal his identity: Chip. There's a photo of him in here somewhere while we were painting HCNamba. Suddenly, all my plans might change again. Do I really want to allow this?

Any decision now to stay on in Japan for another six months is hedging the very large risk of the rest of my life with someone. And from where I stand, its seems like such a long shot.

Audio: -/-
Biblio: The Incident Of the Dog at Night-Time by Mark Haddon.
Cerebrio: I didn't get much sleep...

THE CLOSING CHAPTERS

The closing chapter is not for another 6 or more weeks but something or other is coming to an end. Having now paid for the services of a host, I should endeavour to use said services. After 5 years of considering it, I shall simply plant myself there and settle in. I need to settle down myself anyway and maybe this will be a start.

This week, my emotions have been on something of a rollercoaster. Laura and I have had a big week of emotional freewheeling. I guess we're just trying to catharthise everything that has been happening and will be happening around us - and some more. I think we're only just beginning to scratch the surface of finding how much we mean to each other. There is a small possibility that she feels she's about to lose a friend to a boy - but only so slightly I.M.H.O.

I spoked to God frankly about it. There are a few things I still want in life. It turns out, I want kids, for that I will want to have a partner, a man, more specifically, I think I want one particular man at the moment. But, I only think I want it. Then, sometimes, I think I really don't want him. And, that's only my side of the story. We haven't gone into the logistics of time and place even. So, it might not happen after all although I am prone to bouts of courage to think I might just speak my mind to him about it.

Even then, supposing it all went smoothly for me and him the next couple of weeks, the thought of not being able to spend time with L is almost painful. If its hard for her, that we hang out as a trio, then ... well, I don't really want to have to choose because its not fun at all without her.

The thing is, all this talk about the possibility of "losing me as a friend to a boy", is really the premature contractions of when our lives finally have to part. By golly, we're doing a good job of trying to stretch it all the way to Singapore for as long as we can till our lives have to part and she has to go start off her next chapter of life in Teacher's College. And hopefully by then, I will have figured out where my life is headed.

Audio: She Left On a Monday by Bic Runga.
Biblio: The Curious Incidents of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon.
Cerebrio: After having lived alone for five years and then having put together a life here with a friend, I don't want to live alone again.

DON'T GET ME WRONG

If there were any reason to make it worth staying on in Japan, any at all, what would it be? What would be the most convincing?

It frustrates me to think about how easy it is to talk to him and spend time with him. Like it seems to be (one of the) most natural thing to do. And what a shame because I am leaving so soon?

Then I ask the question; why did I want to leave?

I almost daren't admit it; that I was running away from something I wanted but would never get. There are other reasons of course, but I lie if I said this wasn't one of them. Does this make my wanting to go to Thailand any less valid?

Audio: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders.
Biblio: Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami.
Cerebrio: Once in awhile, Two people meet, Seemingly for no reason. They just pass on the street, Suddenly thunder, shower everywhere. Who can explain the thunder and rain, But there's something in the air

I CAN'T BE THIS SAD ABOUT LEAVING, CAN I?

For someone who wasn't the keenest on staying long in Japan, I'm finding it purplexing how sad I get when I think about the finality of leaving.

Jay announced my eventual in this month's PTA today. And Hirokun's mom welled up and teared on hearing that she would lose her neighbour. That's not a reaction I'm expecting from her. But then I realize that one thing I have done in AIS, is to share the love of my life with my kids. And I love my kids to death. And these arn't even m kids.

As I put Dan to bed this arvo, I wondered how many more opportunities I would get to look on the glint in his eyes, his wry smile or his hard-won kisses. And to think when I first started teaching the class, he wasn't exactly the first kid that grabbed my attention. Have I said that if I ever had a son, I would want my son to be exactly like Dan? That child has a beautiful heart. His mom's doing something right, for sure.

This isn't suppose to be an ode to my kids. I'm trying to say that I can't bear to think about leaving or starting to pack out stuff and calling the movers. I can't believe it's been a year and a half here already. In the reality of it, I don't really have a whole lot of time left and yet I manage to distract myself with boys. I keep thinking myself into vicious circles. The reason I managed to stay on so long, my work, my school, my kids, my church, - the reasons to keep staying - are also the reasons to go. More and more I think that I do want to make teaching a career. And staying in Singapore for three years might very well be worth it. I love what I do but when I look in the mirror, I wonder if I have the potential to be a good teacher. Can anyone imagine me making teaching my life? Anyone?

Audio: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus / Give/ With Or Without You / Your Love Oh Lord medley by Third Day.
Biblio: I love my kids to death. And these arn't even m kids.

WHAT DO I WANT?

Nagatahama: The Bluest Beach in Japan!

Actually, I still don't realize how much time I have. For some reason, the brevity of my time here hasn't quite sunk in. And I have a few suggestions why. Because, maybe I have doubts about leaving and about going. Some part of me wonders if putting the time out to serve in Thailand is going to lose me yet another future partner (again). I don't know this yet and maybe I will never know because I am going.

Back when I served the church in Sydney, the fateful year when Josh and I broke up, I couldn't be there in time to salvage any mistakes because I had dedicated my time to be away serving over the summer. Thankfully, it's not quite so drastic this time and hopefully nothing that painful. Still, I don't think its fair.

I'm certain of course that my time in Thailand will be fruitfully and abundantly blessed and that whatever I currently imagine I might gain in not being in Thailand - a hypothesis contrary to fact - will surpass even my grandest expectation, if I put my 200% into it. I have to put my 100% at least and nothing less though. But my head has to get over its reluctant malaise of self and want to be serving in Thailand.

Which was what I wanted anyway!

Audio: 行きたくなったら行くんだ by Fyugi Nagira.
Biblio: The Wind Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami.
Cerebrio: For someone who wasn't ever keen on staying on in Japan its strange that I don't want to countdown to leave!

7 MORE WEEKS

Volcanic sand hotspring in Kagoshima.

I'm back. The holiday was great. I saw the bluest beach in Japan and I guess Yakushima salvaged the worst of my impressions of Japan's natural pursuits.

As for boy things, things are still status quo. Nothing exciting to report. I'm almost at the brink of admitting that there simply isn't enough time. Que sera sera.

Audio: Fight The Tide by Sanctus Real.
Biblio: The Wind Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami.
Cerebrio: Only 7 weeks?!